Olie

Chapter Four: The Weight of the Heart

OLIE

I sprinted through the trees, branches snagging at my tunic like the accusing fingers of fate. My heart was pounding in my chest-not from the exhilaration of our earlier conversations, but from the fiery shame that churned within me. How could I have been so cowardly? How could I let fear rob me of an adventure, of a taste of freedom that might have changed everything? The questions swirled like the wind in the branches above me, leaving me feeling more lost with each desperate breath.

The truth pressed heavy on my mind: I had been in love with Alaric since we were nine years old. I could still picture the first day we met-he had stumbled into the stables, all oversized armor and boyish determination, fascinated more by the horses than by the mystical knightly tales he would eventually embody. I had watched him, wide-eyed, thinking that perhaps knights really could be brave and fun-hopeful and free.

Over the years, as Alaric trained and grew stronger, my feelings only intensified. When we finally really met eight years ago, it was like a million fireworks had exploded in my mind. I had felt foolish then, standing unarmed in the shadow of his burgeoning magnificence-his laughter, his passion for adventure, each thrown mock-up swordfight drawing me in deeper, binding my heart with cords I never dared to unravel.

"I could have been someone else today," I muttered to myself between sobs, a nearly silent rebellion whispering in my heart. I longed for the bravery to match my feelings for him. I was tired of being scared-tired of surrendering my dreams to fear. Especially when it came to someone who made me feel alive.

Still grappling with my thoughts, I returned to the stables hoping he'd left and was satisfied when I poked my head in to see only hay and horses. I threw myself into my duties, hoping that labor would drown out the shame that wrapped itself tightly around me. The familiar scent of hay and leather, the comforting whinny of Brannon, enveloped me in a cocoon. I lifted buckets of water, brushed the horses until their coats gleamed, and murmured soft reassurances while pretending the warmth of the barn could ease my racing heart.

But my mind was still troubled, tangled like the ropes that hung from the rafters. The sight of Alaric-his laughter, those moments we shared-kept replaying in my mind, their sweetness shattered by the reminder of how easily I had dismissed our connection in the name of fear.

Just as I finished refreshing the hay in a stall, I heard a raucous laugh and the crisp clinking of armor approaching outside. My heart sank as I recognized the voices. A group of knights swept past, their bravado echoing through the stables-a band I had seen often, and whose taunts had become a sickening fixture of my days.

"Look at the stable boy!" one of them called, his voice dripping with contempt. "Think he'll clean up a knight's armor one day? Or is he too busy hiding in his little corner with the horses?"

Their laughter struck like a cruel whip against my skin. I could feel anger pouring into my veins, burning through the shame I had just begun to reconcile with. In that moment, my cowardice transformed, turning into a rebellious fire. I wouldn't let them walk all over me today.

"What'd you want eh?" I shot back, my voice steadier than I felt. "Can't yeh find someone else to bother?"

They paused, clearly taken aback by my defiance. For a heartbeat, I felt victorious, a flame flickering brightly in the dark cavern of doubt. But their surprise quickly morphed into mockery, and the leader scoffed, stepping toward me with an arrogant swagger. "Oh, look, the little boy's got a backbone all of a sudden!"

I clenched my fists, anger turning the heat in my chest to wild flames. "At least I have the courage to stand me ground! Yeh all are nothing but bullies!" The words flowed out faster than I could control, my earlier fears evaporating like morning dew.

For a moment, the knights froze, and I thought-I dared to hope-that perhaps my words would make a difference. But then, as if flicking a switch, they lunged forward, laughter morphing into harsh jeers.

"You think you're tough, don't you?" the leader teased, and before I could raise my hands to defend myself, they closed in.

With my heart pounding in my ears, I fought back, swinging wildly in defiance. I may have been smaller and outmatched, but I fought like I was possessed-throwing punches, pushing against the weight of their armor-clad bodies. Every hit I took only fueled my resolve; I was tired of being their punching bag, tired of living in the shadows, tired of feeling invisible.

But my rebellion was futile. They had the advantage of strength and training, while I was just a boy wielding nothing but a flicker of courage. They overpowered me easily, pushing me to the ground with a ferocity that knocked the breath from my lungs. My heart raced, stinging with humiliation, as I struggled against their grip.

"Well, look at that! The stable boy just wanted to play knight!" One of them laughed mockingly as they held me down, the shame burning deeper than any pain they inflicted.

"Get off me!" I shouted, but my voice came out weak and strained. I fought back the tears that threatened to spill, each mocking laugh resounding in my ears like heavy iron bells.

The leader leaned closer, his breath rancid and filled with contempt. "You're lucky we don't get you in trouble for your insolence, little boy. Remember your place." With that, they released me, their laughter ringing in the air like a taunt.

Wincing in pain, I forced myself to get up, brushing dirt and hay off my clothes. There was no denying that they had won this battle, dragging me back into the darkness I wished to escape. As they sauntered away, I could feel their mocking glances lingering as if they were branding me with their disdain.

Taking a shaky breath, I staggered back inside the stables, humiliation pouring over me like an unwanted cloak. I quickly found a corner and leaned against a stall, my heart heavy, wrestling with the tumult of emotions crashing inside me.

I had been so focused on Alaric's light, on nurturing feelings that sometimes felt too big for me to carry, that I had forgotten the world outside the stables-full of darkness and shadows eager to swallow up the dreams of boys like me.

I shut my eyes tightly, a storm of emotions swirling in my heart-fear, anger, frustration. I had stood up for myself, only to be pushed down again, taught one more time what my place truly was.

Yet amid that tempest, I couldn't shake the thought of Alaric and the future adventures he had promised. Maybe there would be a day when I'd find the courage to join him-when I would lift my chin, face the world, and no longer let fear dictate my every choice. But that day was not today. Today, I was left fighting against the pain, holding tight to the trembling flicker of hope deep within my heart, even as the darkness threatened to snuff it out.