Room 201 - jjk.

6 (diary chapter)

The sole purpose of these type of chapters is to show the inner thoughts of one character. (There's gonna be no other events in the chapter but they are important for the plot and won't be too long)
____________________________________
It's the weekend but head is so full of thoughts, it's actually been buzzing all day long over the same thing and i'm trying to ignore it cause 1) they are annoying and 2) I just want to ignore.

Obviously, it's this whole things with Jungkook. Every single time I say his name in my mind, my immediate thoughts afterward are "shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up," cause i'm so sick of it. I honestly need to suck it up and get over our old friendship but I can't and it angers me.

I've been trying to convince myself that I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it and about him, but I know exactly why.

He was the first person outside of my family that I ever got truly close to. Because of this, little 11 year old me got too attached and developed a very tiny crush. One that I can't seem to get rid of.

Even after everything, I still have a soft spot for him, and whenever we lock eyes during project planning, or he gets a little too close to me, my heart flutters.

I've tried everything to get rid of it but I can't control my feelings and it's honestly taken such a toll on me.

Him, and this project, and everything in my surroundings these days has just been stressing me out and it's been making my MS uncontrollable.

My doctor told me that even though i've relapsed, things should be pretty moderate as long as I control my stress and mental/physical health: Mission failed.

These days it feels like i'm being picked and torn apart from the inside out, and ever since I almost passed out in class, i've been getting weaker and weaker.

I'm trying to shove every single feeling i'm experience with Jungkook and my health down so that I could just lock in and focus on school. It's Junior year, and everything I do now will basically determine my future, so I really just need to control myself.

Along with this, i'm just gonna try and get myself more out there when it comes to my classmates. Maybe these "feelings," are really just attachment issues and if i successfully befriend others, they'll go away.

Ever since my conversation with Jaehyun about Kdramas, i've really had a new point of view and don't want to be so reserved, so hopefully this year will just be a year of change.