Deadpool: Merc With A Mouth

Prologue

What? Were you expecting a cast list filled with enough spoilers to make Tom Holland and Mark Ruffalo cream their spandex and torn shorts? Fuck that! Not in my fuckin' book, I'm even in the name of this book, and I'll cut Cookiekid789's balls off if he tries any of that shit. My book, my rules! Speaking of which, time to get to it.

Deadpool was sitting on the side of the skyscraper, swinging his legs as he drew a small cartoon with crayons of him shooting someone, with blood included, there was a small handheld radio playing Come And Get Your Love - by Redbone.

"Oh, no, can't have that, that's Chris Pratts song... let's se- Oh! Oh hello reader, I know right, who's tits did I have to say the author could fondle to get my very own book? Well, I can't tell you but her name rhymes with Gemma Cotson. Let me tell ya, that jokes a restraining order just waiting to happen, but it'd be worth it for that gal, now that girl truly can work magic. whoo hoo! Anyway, I've places to be, things to do and oh! Bad guys to kill!"

Deadpool stood up and stretched.

"Maximum Effort."

Deadpool stepped off of the ledge of the building, a rope attached to his back as he abseiled down the side of the building before swinging in through the window and looking around.

"Oh, no, this is not the Golf Club Swingers Party is it... shit..."

A hail of bullets erupted through the air as Deadpool was hit by every single one, Deadpool lay there for a few seconds, the assholes around him laughed as they saw him, until Deadpool sat up with his dual wield pistols and shot 16 men dead before jumping behind a desk.

"Well, time to work for an immortality... que the Lynyrd Skynyrd."

Deadpool drew his dual katanas and leapt over the desk before cutting off the hand of one man and stabbing another in the groin with his other katana.

"Ooh, sorry, guess circumcision didn't go too well huh?" Deadpool quipped as he pulled out his phone. "Reader, you're gonna wanna look away, this shit is something you can't see even with a mature rating."

*Scream followed by gunshot and camera snap sound*

"There we go... hey, it's okay, papa Deadpool will let you read this part."

Deadpool stabbed a man in the gut and stuffed the barrel of his pistol into their mouth before lining up their head with the head of another bad guy and pulling the trigger, blowing the brains of both bad guys out. While doing this he threw one katana into the eye of an approaching bad guy before running at them and dropkicking the sword through their head.

"Hey, Parent reader! Yeah you, stop showing this book to little Timmy! I'm not being blamed for him growing up a fucking psycho! Go on Timmy, go shoo, go to bed and let Papa Deadpool read a bed time story to your daddy, then he can show your mommy who's daddy."

Deadpool picked up his katana and started dual wielding them, cutting one mans leg off and then decapitating another man, he turned and looked at the man's head and picked it up, taking a kick with it and sending it flying at the legless man at such speed that it knocked him out.

"Sign me up for Wrexham." Deadpool joked as he heard a man running, he turned and saw his target. "Ooh, someone's playing bulldog! Here piggy, piggy, piggy! This isn't personal, but I do have an erection from all of that. *BANG*  really?! Wow, that was an anti climax, lazy writing. Cookiekid789, fix this now or I'm cutting your fucking balls off and using them as Christmas decorations!"

The target stood back up and looked at Deadpool.

"Thank you Cookie! Sorry, just had to thank the author, they are the real heroes of showbiz ya know, course this isn't showbiz but... ah fuck it."

Deadpool started fighting the man who tried to take him on with a sword, with Deadpool swiftly "shish kebab-ing" the man with his swords.

"Let's Fucking go, Cookie, epic Cover card now!"