I don't feel strong enough to continue. I'm tired and I keep failing the simplest things. I'm starting to feel worthless again as if the world would just be happier without me. It is getting harder each day to fight this feeling. They think I'm okay that I have no worries and don't care about anything. But in my head, it's like I'm constantly drowning...disappearing deeper and deeper into a dark void. It feels like there is nothing I can do about it. Like I will just keep drowning with no one noticing even though everyone is looking at me as I sink down deeper under the ever so cold and dark waters. I can't scream, there is no sound coming out of my mouth and even if the sound would escape it would fall on deaf ears.
I don't want to feel like this I keep fighting those annoying little voices in my head all the time I fight them even when I know the are right. I fight them because somehow, I still must believe that somewhere out in this big world there is someone whose whole world will stop if they don't have me. That if I disappeared, they would feel as lost as I do now. I must hold on to that...otherwise I will just be drowning without a fight.
I look down at the time and its ten past five. Well, it is time to get to work.
My shift only starts at six, but I am always there about half an hour before. Uncle drives me to work since I do not have a licence yet and works about sixteen kilometres away from the house and outside town.
We get in the bakkie and start driving. I used to enjoy working at the bar. I enjoyed the people's company. I enjoyed that the people found me pretty. I enjoyed earning my own money. I also enjoyed getting away from him. The thing I enjoyed most about working at the bar is that I was aloud to be me, I was able to be away from them and I was...free even if it was just for the night or the weekend. I enjoyed the free drinks from regular customers and the free food from the Sheff.
Lately I find it even harder to stay out of my head. The people's problems or company is not enough to keep me out of my own head anymore. Its tiring to feel like this all the time all I want is for this feeling to go away.
We stop in front of the walk-in to the bar. I greet Uncle with a side hug and thank him for dropping me of, ignoring his hand touching my thigh. It is something I must get used to. But its only gotten worse over the last few years since I came to live with them. I just remind myself that I will not be around them for much longer that I only have nine more months left then I would be done with high school. I already have a plan. I wont return to my biological parents but I would keep working at the bar and Id pay for a room to stay in at the guest house and maybe work my way up, then save some money so I can travel and find somewhere I can put some roots down, be free and just breath.
I walk into the bar greeting Charly who was already at the bar. His stepdad owns the bar and guest house, so he also works here. It seems that I am working with him tonight. He always seems so angry though. I walk trough the kitchen greeting Alec the Sheff on my way behind the bar. I put my bag at the bottom of the shelf along with the key to my room for the night. Charly and I make small conversation as I wipe down the bar and he check the stock. We count the cash in the till making a note. I look down at my watch and its half past six. The first few customers start arriving. Its Tony and another guy. Tony is a regular, and always drinks the same Flying fish well playing pool. Charly helps them as I cross the bar to Pinky another regular, she is a strong lady with long fake laches and I big smile, she happily greets me and asks how I am making small conversation as I prepare her usual drink, Brutal Fruit half poured into a glass. She also orders a board of tequila and Jager shots, which she also offers to me, and I happily comply. We "cheers" and I down a tequila shot, enjoying the bitter taste running down my thought. I am going to need a couple more shots tonight.
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Hii lovely people.
I just want to say that this story is base on a true story so please don't use or alter it in anyway. If you have any questions or anything please let me know.
Thank you all for reading.
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Everything I always wanted and so much more
General Fiction...Good things take time we wish for it and hope for it, and it still doesn't come but sometimes the good things we wish for is right in front of us and its everything we ever needed and so much more. Good things come when you least expect it. What...
