to all my loves

M

trigger warning 

sexual harrrasment

My first lover I will start of strong. I will call him M.M was the first serious relationship I was in and the first relationship i ever got intimate with I will paint the scene, junior year of highscool. we had all the same friends and everyone told me he liked me. I wasnt to sure, something about him  threw me off. everyone wanted me to give him a chance and i finally gave in. we hung out and before we knew it we were dating. id regret it shortly after. he was very pushy. ill never forget one of the first times of us hanging out after making things offical we were kissing and making out on his couch i never liked rushing things, I always needed to take things slow and by my timing. he reached up my shirt and I panicked and tried to get away. he grabbed me tighter, and the conversation went something like this.

"come on you just got to do it more and you get used to it"  I shake my head and tried to get away once more

"i told you im not ready" 

"how do you know if you don't try" he said now getting angry. I've never done well when others where angry with me. i go into fight or flight and i shut down. and that is exactly what happened. i go quite and i felt his hand on my upper thigh reach up more and i squirm uncomfortable. 

that went on for 7 months. the first boy i ever let touch me disrespected my boundaries. everyday. for 7 months. I finally hit a breaking point. and I left but I was never the same after. I never trusted anyone again. and now overthink every situation and make sure that will never happen again. I hope M learned a lesson during our relationship. I hope that M never lays his hand on another human like he did to me again. I hope he thinks of what he did to me often and I hope his guilt ate him alive for a while. I hope to never see you again. I don't know what i woulddo if I had to face you again. and for the love of God I hope you never even think about  coming close to thinking about talking to me again.