Penace [J.T]

Chapter 5 - Wilt

The next morning rolls around leaving Jason to wake up first. Sam is still sound asleep facing him, some of her hair covering her face. Jason takes a tentative finger and moves some of the strands from her face. He takes this time to exist. Sleep always came easier when she was around. Less nightmares, not as much tossing and turning, no insomnia. It was always easier with her around and last night was no different.

Sam fell asleep first just as she usually did when he read to her. She was cuddled into his side and it felt like it always did for that half hour. Just the two of them in bed together with a book and enough trauma for the both of them. Jason thinks they're really good at being able to exist in a moment as if nothing happened. There's something in them that allows them to ignore it all even for a few minutes and just pretend to be who they were before instead of just skin and bones.

The world, people, expect them to be something specific, to act a certain way. Sam told him once, in a sort of one-off conversation, she felt like people expected something different. At the tower, she always felt like the others expected her to remain quiet or be angry all the time, to snap at some point. Maybe she did. But, she was just a kid who liked to watch movies and missed her home. Her blood was never filled with anger but grief for what she should have been able to have. When Jason died and she got angry, they expected the silence. They expected the grief to hit her like a train. They expected her to quit, get revenge on the Joker before Bruce did. They expected more than rage-filled blood and red-stained hands. And they expected her to move on because what else was there to do? He was dead. And she was alone. People put up expectations and in some ways she feels like she needs to meet some of them. Be more careful, get angry, snap, pretend like it's all fine because it's always been fine. But, then she lays down with Jason and she can watch movies and talk about her mom and she can exist in a way that she wants without the weight of expectations collapsing her lungs.

Everyone thinks Jason is angry, always has even before he died. He was never angry. He was upset and hurt and didn't know where to put it. He was never angry but everyone expected him to be so he played into it. They expected him to be some sort of fuck boy so he played into it. They expected him to be reckless and so he was. Maybe he was always a little reckless, no one forced him to rob the Batmobile or go with the red hoods when he was a teenager. But they expect it. And now...Jason can feel it. They expect him to lose his mind and until then, they expect him to be fine. He lived, right? Joker is dead, Bruce avenged his death, and he was brought back. He should be fine, right?

They expect him to be fine without ever considering the scars lingering on his chest or marking up his mind like scuffed up wood. But with Sam, there are no expectations. He is allowed to read and tell her about theater stuff. He is allowed to have nightmares and be scared. He is allowed to just be. When Jason is around Sam, he's allowed to exist in a way that he wants without the weight of expectations strangling the life out of him.

Maybe that's why they can exist in moments like these as if nothing ever happened. It is the only time neither of them are facing some false hope of expectations. It is the only time they can be damaged in all their glory. It is the only time they're allowed to bare their scars with pride and show the beauty they've left behind. They can just...be.

He eyes her softly, brows pinched together and she looks so peaceful. He wants nothing more than to pull her into him and sleep like this all day. But it is not his place. He's surprised she stayed in the first place let alone stayed in bed with him. He is so glad she did but there is so much they haven't talked about. So much happened and there's just so much between them. He wonders if they'll ever be able to recover or if this is all they'll be. Just a one-off sleepover sometimes.

He doesn't like that idea very much.

Jason forces himself to get out of bed and make his way to the training area where he keeps his fridge. He expects to be able to grab a few eggs and make an omelet, see what else he has and maybe he could make Sam (and Tim) pancakes. But, as he enters the room, Tim is seated at the table with a tablet open and his brows pinched together.