Toy or not?

4

Removing the remnants of the men's orgasms from the holes was one of the irritating aspects of this job. I spent several minutes and when I was satisfied enough I rubbed the body wash all over my body to clean the sweat and squirt off me. I had to admit to myself that paranoia set into me a little too much when he spoke of pain in the beginning. I thought that I would be battered and bruised and would need days to recover. Gladly, that was totally not the case.

My nipples were definitely sore and it felt unusually satisfying when they rubbed with the fabric of my hoodie. I quickly dressed myself and signed out for the rest of the day. I was fortunate enough to find an establishment that paid handsomely. I never expected myself to be here. The stress of university and part time jobs was getting to me and without anyone to lean on for any emotional connection I started to fill the void with strangers.

I had joined an online forum to gain some validation. The need to feel wanted and to have something had made me feel a little less lonely. I had had friends and family but still I had felt like there was no one in this world for me. It seemed everyone had a life except me. My friends had boyfriends who they could connect to. My family was there for me but it did not seem enough. I was seeking something without even knowing what it was.

I had been going through so many contradictory feelings. I wanted to be independent and I had felt that I also needed someone who would have taken care of me. My studies had been affected. I could not have concentrated on them. I had barely passed my courses. I had been working to support myself and I had just needed someone to support me through these confusing emotions.

The website was for sexting basically. People had the options to post or chat. I had started talking to people. At first, it had been only texts. Gradually, I had decided to send pictures. The way people used to praise me made me feel wanted. Then I had been on video calls with a few people. We used to masturbate together or I would have asked them to tell me what to do.

It had been mostly slapping on different body parts, spitting, clamping nipples, squirting. The way they would fawn over me made me feel so good and satisfied. Then eventually, it had not been enough. I had realized I needed to meet actual people. I had tried dating apps and paused visiting the site for a while but I had just got bored. I had not found anyone with whom I would have liked to build something.

Time passed by. I had got busier with studies and jobs and had less time for online sex. Thankfully, I graduated. I was so relieved to find that I finally graduated. I cried when I saw I graduated with 3.14. I knew it was not the best CGPA and I could have done better if I had worked harder but I could not, unfortunately. I had felt so dissatisfied all the time. Around me I only saw people doing better and I could not make myself work hard for what I wanted.

I had started looking for corporate jobs and I also had started to be on the site frequently. The need for sexual gratification had arisen again in me. I had decided maybe I should do something to get it out of my system. I had started looking for agencies that would suit my needs. I did not want to work at a place where I would feel unsafe even though these jobs usually came with risk of violation.

It had not been an easy beginning. It was a little hard to adjust being so vulnerable with strangers on a daily basis. I was still not happy with my life. I wanted to do something more and I want to make myself a little financially before I put myself through university again.

These thoughts roamed in my head as I prepared some food for me. The university days seemed so long ago. I missed those days sometimes especially when I wondered what the future had in store for me.