I Wonder Why

Waiting

Waiting, after school

Hot summer, afternoon

Different classes, different locker rooms 

I'm at the gate

You're running late

I guess you're having fun

Chatting with someone 

Someone who's not me

Who I'll, never be

Still, I won't complain 

I know it'd be in vain

It's not your fault, that I'm this way 

It's my own fault, that I'm in pain 

Waiting, after class

Standing, steadfast

Eyes on the ground 

People all around 

I don't know why 

Can't look them in the eye 

I swear it's not because I don't try 

Waiting, after the bell

My personal hell 

The teacher nowhere to be found

My eyes again stuck to the ground

Your words crawl over my brain

You don't understand my silly feelings

Why am I so foolish, why don't I understand 

It's really so easy, if I don't make it hard 

And you're write, I'm silly, I'm foolish

I'm lost in a mess 

Of my own creation

How insane is this?

And if you say it's so simple

I'm inclined to believe

Why would you to lie to me

So I choose to act, finally  

My eyes dart up

Brown orbs meet blue 

Panic floods my veins 

I feel so confused 

My heart pumping quickly 

Tries to flush it out 

But can't do so, so easily 

Oh what have I done 

 My stomach drops 

God what have I done?

What do I do now?

My eyes chain themselves 

Back to the ground

Back to pretending 

No else is around 

Waiting, for you to notice me

I'm standing beside you, awkwardly 

You're talking to a stranger

Or maybe someone I know

I don't look at their face

So there's no way to know 

And your conversation continues

I wonder, should I go 

I'm clearly not welcome here

No one's even said hello 

And now I'm angry, not at you

But at myself, I'm such a fool 

I'm selfish and thoughtless and stupid too 

And I wish I wasn't aware, but I know it's true 

I'm waiting

To suddenly change

To wake up one day 

And not be the same

I'm waiting 

To be like you 

To lose myself 

And find someone new

Someone better, someone smarter

Someone who doesn't everything hard

Someone who doesn't take everything to heart 

Someone else, someone help 

I was waiting 

Waiting

Waiting 

I never stopped waiting but I did wading 

Wading 

Wading 

Through my fears and my tears and I found 

Them, you, her, him 

They didn't laugh at my hesitance

They didn't deny my pain or resistance 

And still I'm waiting 

I don't know what for 

Anymore 

But I can't wait to find it

This time I'm looking forward