SVU Oneshots

Bensler

SPOILER ALERT ⚠️ S7E19

/Olivia's POV/

After saving the little girl, we both visited her at the hospital, making sure she's okay. She'll be with her grandma and grandpa after her close family have been murdered. Poor girl, I'm glad she doesn't remember most of it. I REALLY wish that was the case with me and Elliot.

This week... her family wasn't the only thing we lost. I also lost my trust in my partner.

I always trusted him, even with my life and look where that took us... We are sitting next to each other in awkward silence, which we never had before. A psychopath sliced my throat, I was just lucky enough to survive it, and what does he do? Blame me. He blamed me for a choice HE made! And after that he was mad I wouldn't pull the trigger, causing his death. To be honest, at that moment, I really wanted to point the gun to my head and shot myself. How could I risk killing him?

-Do you... hate me? – I mumbled, not looking at him, just playing with my fingers, staring down at them.

-What kind of a question is that? – he looked at me. I saw his head turn but I still didn't look up. I'm afraid what he would say if he saw my tears. – Liv?

No... I couldn't talk. If I opened my mouth, I'd have started crying so I kept playing with my fingers as an attempt to release my stress, but it failed. Tears started to run down my cheeks, dripping down to my hands. I watched every one of them hit a different spot, until I just couldn't see anymore because of the blur.

After not saying a word, he reached to my face and held my chin, slowly turning my head, making me face him. I blushed cause I was ashamed that he got to see me like this, even tho he comforted me so much I can't even count it, but this time it's different, because my tears are from him.

-Yes or no.. – I whispered, waiting for his reaction.

-I love you Liv, how could you even consider that I feel otherwise? – he said almost immediately after my question. My heart stopped a beat as he said those three words. I know having a crush on your work partner who's also your best friend is a bad thing. I know I'll end up heartbroken if he got to know my secret so that's why I never told anyone..

I have a big crush on Elliot.

I know he means it as friends but it's still nice to hear, he doesn't say it very often.

-Would you be happier if I was the one laying in the morgue instead of the kid? – I asked seriously. His expressions were mixed; confused, angry and sad. I couldn't handle his touch anymore so I pushed his hand away from my face, it started to burn. Like my body knew it was wrong.

-What the fuck are you talking about?! – he raised his voice. – Do you know me like that? Do you think I would be happy knowing you're not here anymore?

-I didn't! – I raised mine as well, matching his energy. – I-I used to think we're inseparable but now I start to feel like I'm... I'm just a colleague to you – I wiped my tears off. – I used to think we're more... – I whispered this part. – But today you messed that up, you made feel like I was just another piece of sand in the desert – I stood up. – I THOUGHT I'M SPECIAL! – I screamed hysterically, hitting my chest. Don't overreact Olivia, he'll get suspicious!

-You ARE special, Liv. You are the only thing I got left in my life – he grabbed my hand to stop me from running off, then he stood up, right in front of me. – I lost everything, except you. I can not risk losing you too – he told me, looking directly into my eyes.

-You should've thought of that before blaming me after some perp sliced my throat – I yanked my hand out of his grip and then ran off. I ran off but where? Just like him, I have nobody waiting for me at home. It's just an empty flat I call "home" but it really never felt like one, unless he's here. His presence fills the hole my family put into me.

My family...

I hated them. I never knew my father, he was a rapist actually. And my mother? Altho she didn't get rid of me and raised me, even while I was a constant reminder of her rape, she did love alcohol. And hitting. It was always on top of her to-do-list.

1. Vodka
2. Vodka
3. Beating Olivia

I felt like an outcast while growing up. I didn't have siblings, I didn't have friends, but what I did have was bruises all over me. When I turned 18 I got out of there as fast as I could and then started my carrier as a detective. I studied during the day, and worked at night so I could afford to stay in school. I had nobody at my graduation... I felt like my life was a joke until I got into the SVU and Cap got me Elliot as a partner. He brought happiness into my life, he made those gray days get their colors back, made me forget all those terrible things from my past, and from what I saw during work. He was just... always there. Even with a wife and 4 kids, he still had time for his best friend.

Or I thought so...

-OLIVIA! – he yelled my name so I got pulled back into reality. The reality I hate.

I looked down and saw my feet standing on the edge of some random tall building, with the road below me. When did I get up here? And... why?

-Please Liv, don't do it! I'm really sorry! You're right, I fucked up bad! Real bad! – his voice started to shake so I turned around and saw his tears  as he's standing in the doorway. He's crying? For me? – P-Please – he reached his hand out as he started to take small steps towards me.  – I was mad at myself, not at you. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, or make you pull the trigger later. I shouldn't have, I know now! But I did, and nothing can make that right. But a-at least... let me try – he caught up to me, holding his hand out. I hesitated at first, but eventually I grabbed it and he pulled me down, catching me in his arm.

He looked down at me and I looked up at him, both of us lost in the other's eyes. I reached up to his face and caressed his cheek. He slowly let go of my legs, making me stand, but he was still holding me at my waist, keeping me close to him. His body is so warm, it makes me feel safe. He's so close, I can feel his heartbeat on my chest. I could feel his breath on my face as he was leaning in for a kiss. If I could feel his heartbeat, he can certainly feel mine going crazy right now. I can't belive this is really happening. Is it because of the situation tho? Maybe he doesn't love me like that, he just didn't want me to kill myself? Is this his way of showing me a reason to live? What is he trying to prove?! I'm a detective for fuck's sake and I can't even read my own partner's intentions!

-Liv, honey, stop thinking... For once, let's just enjoy the moment – he whispered on my mouth and with that, I let out a small smile and let him close the distance between our lips.

I love this man so much.