Sweet Saltwater

Chapter 5

Iris tried to visit her parents at least once a week, the walk up to their house was gruesome in the summer heat which is why she usually went early in the morning. After buying some figs from Mr. Tomlinson she began her hike, the cicadas orchestrating a relaxing tune for her walk.
Her brain still felt foggy. The ball of anxiety and pain in her stomach had not subdued, in fact, it seemed to grow with every passing thought of her encounter yesterday.

Nolan was back
He had a daughter.

It shouldn't have been so difficult to fathom, Iris and him had been broken up for years, but the girl, Ella - from what Iris recalled, could not have been younger than two.
It hurt to think about, yet she could not stop herself. All those years spent with him, all those plans and ideas they had for the future. It was hard enough to deal with as is, when he shattered it all, but to think that within a year he had found someone else? Someone he was ready to take that step with?
This was a different type of pain altogether, a throbbing and constant ache that held such a tight grip on Iris, she wasn't sure there was anything that would make it let go. She tried to shake it away, she thought that crying, which she did a lot of last night, would dull it all but it was to no avail. Even Erica couldn't find the right thing to say to comfort her, she was at a loss for words when she heard the news through Iris' broken sobs.

Iris' feet scuffled over the rocks on the dirt path leading up into the hill. She had done this walk countless times, yet today it felt somber. The trees hung low as if sensing her sadness, the birds which normally chirped seemed to still as she walked past. Iris let out a sigh as she tied her hair up into a bun, the morning heat was beginning to creep into the air. She quickened her pace, hoping her mother, who she had called before she left town, would be waiting for her with a warm smile and a much needed hug.

As she neared the door she could hear the radio was on. Her mother always had the radio on. When she was younger, Iris thought it was because Ava loved the music but as she grew older she realized her mother was just trying to drown out the silence of the house and the absence of Leo's laughter. Iris opened the door slowly, the smell of freshly baked bread greeted her.

"Mum, I'm home!" she shouted as she slipped off her sandals in the little entrance way.
Her mother came around the corner, a worn out apron around her neck, her hands covered in flour. Her greying hair was in disarray on the top of her head, held together by a pencil.

"Hi honey, you're just in time for the cookies" she smiled. Her brown eyes looked tired, the lines beneath them revealed countless nights spent by Leo's bedside. "I won't hug you now so I don't get you all powdered" she said as she turned to walk back in the kitchen, Iris following her steps. The once cozy and warm kitchen now looked aged, some of the cupboards were barely hanging onto the rusty nails that held them in place. The kitchen table was a mess; pill bottles, papers, books and kitchen utensils littered its surface. Iris tried to hide the worry in her eyes as she looked at her mother.

"How is he today?" she asked gently. She hated that question, as if the answer would one day magically change. As if one day, her father would wake up and remember who he was. Her mother visibly winced and took her time in replying..
That day was not today.

"Yeah, he...he has been sleeping a lot. The nurses said it's normal. Mostly he lies there though, eats when he has to, goes to the toilet when he is told." Ava tried to smile at her daughter - she did it so often with others, pull out her fake smile and wear it proudly, but looking into her daughter's eyes she had no more energy for the lies. "He is in a bad way honey, he has been for a long time now." she finally said, her eyes glazing over.

"But they said the new medication will stop him getting worse! You payed all that money mum, they reassured us that he would at least stay the same." Iris couldn't hold her frustration in, throwing her hands up in the air with an exasperated sigh. "What are we supposed to do? Watch him fade into nothing?" Iris didn't want to upset her mother but she couldn't stop herself.

"Honey, we knew it would be like this, there is nothing anyone can do." Ava was used to Iris' frustration so her voice remained calm, like it always did, soothing her. She reached out her arms and wrapped Iris in a tight hug, the flour from her hands puffing up and forming what looked like little clouds around them. Iris didn't care that her top was now all white, her mother's hug meant more to her in that moment than she could have expected. Her eyes began burning again as her mother rested her head on her hair and began swaying gently, soothingly.
"Would you like to go in and see him?" Ava said in what was almost a whisper, as if she was scared to disturb the peace that their hug had created.

"Yeah" Iris pulled away from her mothers embrace and rubbed her eyes, forcing the tears to retreat, to leave her alone. She turned towards the weathered hallway looking at the pale framed pictures on the walls. Happy memories from the Grand mostly, mixed in with photos of Ava and Leo together, looking at the camera with such joy and youth. She studied her father's smile, it was something ancient to her, the bright look in his having faded long ago.
Reaching for the bedroom door Iris took a shaky breath. The room was dark, stagnant, there was no movement or sound apart from her father's shallow breathing. She took a silent step in, the once tall and proud man now looked so small and frail, his pale skin damp with sweat. He was so still, his chest rising and falling ever so slightly.

"Hey dad" Iris said in a whisper. He did not stir.
"I came to see how you are doing, mum says you have been sleeping loads" Iris had a hard time looking at her father like this, he was a shell of a man, the casing crumbling before her very eyes.
She brushed the thin strands of hair that were sticking to his forehead away and leaned down, her lips grazing the damp skin above his brow.
"Please come back to us" the whisper escaped her lips before she realized that she said it aloud.
She took one more long look at him, lying motionless beneath the white sheets, her hands forming into fists, nails once again digging into the already raw skin. There was a chance, she thought to herself, but it was a fools hope.