just hold on

Were we born to die?

My hand shakes as i click send, Suddenly a load of thoughts come crashing into my head, like wind blowing in and out through my ears leaving a cold feeling and uncomfortable trace after hand. A wave of emotions come through to me, A mix of: You only live once, Why did i do that, And finally; was it for the better?
I break out into a cold sweat, tracing back and forth the message before i see the two blue ticks, quickly clicking off the chats as a sinking feeling overcomes my stomach.
I think i'm going to throw up, or maybe i'm just over excited, or scared, or disappointed , or angry?
I see the 'typing' motion fade into action. Oh my gosh, it's the moment of truth. What is she gonna say?
"Yeah sure, sounds sick! I've always wanted to do that anyway."
oh. Well that was simple.
I suddenly realise how much i was over thinking it. i mean, come on i asked to start a film and a band, not a glitter orgy
"oh okay cool, who does what?" i ask her.
"idk vivi, you're the singer and i'm the drummer how about that?" she replies.
I hate her calling me vivi, my names vivian
"cool, i'll work on it now"
"bet" she says, i don't open it, i'm not 'nonchalant' or anything, i'm just a loser and an asshole, it's quite insane how many people's lives i've left a negative impact on, and i know i should find it upsetting and feel sorrowful, but i can't, i find joy in it. And i don't want to get better. I don't think.
I open my curtains, i mean, i want to do good in the world, but when someone's got a history of being a bad person, i love the idea of ruining their life. It brings me so much joy that i can't explain, it's like the abused cheating on the abuser. It's wrong but, deserved in every way possible.
I pull my rings off, putting them in a little box that sings and has a small dancer spinning, i found it in the abandoned house next door, sometimes i go there when my home life gets too much. I haven't been in a while though as i saw someone sleeping in there.
I then pull off my bracelets, except for one. My 'Bill Kaulitz' one, i never take that off.
I bring my hands up to the back of my neck and u clip my necklaces, setting them into the box as-well and lightly closing it after placing my earrings in there too.
Now that i'm thinking of that house, i look up at it, but somethings weird about it. It doesn't have that 'lonely look' to it, i think someone's inside. I go on my tip toes slightly, although i'm 5,9 the space is awkward between my floor and window cill. Suddenly i make eye contact with someone.
What the fuck? Who is that? I quickly look away and close my blinds, throwing myself into bed and going under the covers.
"it's already 4 am, i need to sleep." i whisper to myself. I switch my phone off and set my pillows up, normally i put two pillows in-front of me and hug them, i know that makes me look lonely, but i am lonely. so it's okay. People love me, like i have friends but nobody LOVES me, and i only have about two FRIENDS. I guess life moves on, I set my lamp on the dimmest option and close my eyes. Letting a big breath out, the kind of breath that just lets everything go after a hard day, but either way. My heart still feels heavy. I let my mind slowly wonder as i feel myself go into a void state, that's weird. I'm not trying to shift? This has been happening a lot recently, it's like i try and sleep and i get set into the void state, ive also been having weird dreams. Of a boy whose face i've never seen before in person. I have no clue who he is either.
Before i let myself overthink i change what im thinking about, and slowly fade off to sleep with a heavy heart.
As i drift off to sleep finally, a loud bang from the house next door shakes me awake. What the hell? Who's even in there? I can't leave the house at 4 o clock in the morning, but gosh am i curious. I slowly peel the blanket off my body, standing up avoiding the parts in my floor that creak. And i slowly make my way to my window, That sinking feeling running through my stomach again, leaving a taste of fear and sickness.
A light turns on, i thought the house was fully run down? I mean, it's not a bright light of the source. A shadow starts to come into view, starting at the corner of my eye until it moves swiftly into the exact middle.
"YOURE A FUCKING MANIPULATOR!!" i hear, gosh why are people yelling at 4am. I recognise the voice, mom? I rush to my bedroom door and unlock it, running down the stairs.
He's hurting her, yet again. God my dad's an asshole. Maybe that's where i get it from. I'm not nonchalant in any way i'm just an asshole and a loser. I mean come on, i have two friends in real life and two online. I'm just un likeable unless it's some stupid older who drops me in the dirt after a fucking week.
Whatever, i'm going to sleep. I creep my way upstairs again and sigh, Just to yet again go to sleep with a heavy heart, knowing i'm going to wake up with one aswell.