Is This Life?

S E N I O R

Do you know how scary school is? It's not. Of course, everyone's opinions are different... right? Can everyone's opinions be different? Gosh, I don't even know how to start the first chapter of this damn story. And why am I saying it's a story? This is not a story. It's a work of nonfiction. Everything I am writing is legitimate words or thoughts of mine. I'm writing this in the back passenger seat of my grandfathers car. I've watched movies of many things and I didn't realize that soon to be 18 year olds could still sit in the back seats until I became that nearing age. It's August 14th and I'll be 18 in September. Yep, that's right. A VIRGO! Virgos aren't very popular right? TikToks about horoscopes tell me that Virgo's are natural cleaners or that we are very tidy and trustworthy. It's funny because I match each and every single one of those facts. But it's weird because my sister is also a Virgo and she would rather die than clean the dishes or keep her room organized and tidy. And she's the silent antisocial type. What can I trust from her? That's when I learned that horoscopes and zodiac signs are lies.
You know, I feel like a child. A CHILD. I'm 17?! I'm watching movies, tv series, tiktoks, and instagrams of 17 year olds who are so serious. They even look older than me. They are out partying, underage drinking, and having sex where here I am hanging out with my grandparents and staying inside all day and night. I play board games and watch the Pirates of the Caribbean or The Grey Man. I feel like I'm not mature but to my parents I am... sometimes. The fact that social media has this much affect on my point of view of life is crazy. School doesn't start until September 3rd this year so we only have a couple weeks left until I become a senior. I feel like Senior year is supposed to be special. I mean, it is. It's the last year of high school. The last year to have fun before I have to become an adult. Ever heard that saying, "Welcome to reality?" Yeah? Me too. I don't like it. I don't understand it. How can I comprehend something I don't understand? You can't. This is nothing like the game. Junior year ended in early June and all this time, I've only had small jobs. My friends or my other classmates are all working full time jobs all summer. Even my little sister. And here I am, working three hours a day for four days per month for 2 months. Moneyless. Broke. While we usually went swimming all of our other summers, this summer hit us hard. My parents can't even afford the home we live in anymore. They want us to downsize from a double wide mobile home to a 50 foot travel trailer. A family of four people with four dogs and a cat. How do you think that'll work out? Well it has too. We can't afford anything else. Back to school shopping anyone? Nope, couldn't afford it. Luckily my grandparents love us. So here we are, in my grandfathers car. My grandma is driving even though her right arm is in a sling. My great grandmother is in the passenger seat. She is the one who is actually paying for us right now. My grandma drives and my great grandmother pays. That's how it usually is, it seems like. As I write this section right now, she had just gotten done with the eye doctor. Now we are going to the infamous Walmart where we'll get underwear, bras, and deodorant because that's all we really need for the new school year. While I'm fine with all the clothes I already have, I feel the need to make a change because senior year just feels that important. Why do I want to change? Before school starts, I'll be cutting my belly button length hair to a shoulder height but that's not the kind of change I mean. The kind of change as in my personality and style. When I left my junior year behind, I had several friends whom I could be myself around. But as summer progressed, I learned that I'd be losing almost all of them. Four of them are headed to different schools. One is going home schooled. One dropped out even. And before yesterday, I only knew one of my friends were still gonna be in school with me. Yesterday I got lucky of course. Now I'm going to school with two friends, hopefully. My mother told me I just need to make new friends. I haven't had to make new friends for a long time since I've had these friends ever since elementary. Looks like I'll need to relearn how to make friends. Great. What a great start to an "awesome" senior year. While my senior year will most likely be stressful, not as stressful as what my mother is goi g through so I won't be maki g her face anymore stress. I'll keep going as best as I can before I cry for my mother once again, like a child.
   In late July, my school wanted me to call them to organize my schedule. AND DAMNNNN. That was a mood downer for sure. It was the middle of summer and they were already putting my senior schedule together. And it sucks, all of the above. My first class, being Physics is the only class I share with my friend. Out of all five classes. I have five classes before lunch I must take. And then I have three free periods where I'll be able to work instead of doing some stupid and boring electives that I do t even need to take anyways. No one will hire me though. No job, no work release. And that means stupid or boring electives.