Hyunjin my redamancy

Suffer more

I laught in the mirror as I looked at my self " pathetic, utterly useless" I mumbled out loud

How did I get here ?? How did it come to this?? Am not sure if I was born with a very bad faith or what but I lived the life most rappers talk about .......

Am currently 20 years old, dark brown eyes, a good sized  shaped nose , a height of 5'6 , short 4c hair  , and cast eyes . As for my body I had the figured of a model but of course my stupid boobs had to spoil it. I hated my boobs ....... Hell I even hated myself and more importantly I hated mirrors.

How I ended up flying to Korea for THE JYP audition I have no idea!! How I passed the first audition not a clue...... I'd like to think that maybe just maybe I could be a dreamer. It's currently November 2024 and all I had in my name was a few documents.

And Even though I wished I would passed....... my hopes weren't high since it was about a few weeks back I started dancing .....however I trained very hard , even until I could bearly move or lift my body at times.

I loved dancing and honestly with all the stuff I have endure .......that's a plus . I could say Even though am pretty young I have a son and well his father is something else. And yes before you bash me I didn't get up in my teenage years and decided I wanted a kid . However with a mother that didn't give two shits about me to a father that is very old and can't work I had to fend for myself.

I guess I fallowed in my mothers foot steps since my son's father is 22 years older than me. Upon till last week he was the one who provided for me but since his love was ready to reconcile he cheated on me for like the millionth time and when I spoke he bash me and I left with just a few documents and some clothe with no idea where to go " iconic"

With no where to go I slept on an hospital bench for the past week and collected bottles to sell and buy food. Last night was the night I got the call from jyp and now am at the airport getting ready to board a flight. Luckily for me they had covered everything so all I had to do was be on time . " something I was never good at may I add"

"Last call for flight 301 South Korea" I heard over the intercom as I rushed towards the teller and handed  her my ticket . With a little smile she handed it back to me. " hurry!!" She motion me " looks like ama make it after all"

My father had told me a story that when the plane is lifting you'll feel it in your belly bottom and of course that was when my life was much easier. As the air hostess closed the door to the entrance I heard another information . " please fasten your seatbelt we will take off in two" and that's when I became even more uneasy and started to fiddle with my fingertips.........

" are you alright dear" a very polite man asked but all I did was gripped the seat . " f-fine" I muttered and before long I felt my belly moved and bam!!! I was unconscious " ifuckingronic"  althought I was in a state of shock I could still hear everything but I couldn't move. " afraid of heights....... I wish you would have said so sooner" I heard the man say and soon my head was being pulled back to the warm  seat.

Without any warning I also felt him place something warm in my hand. " close your eyes and count to 20" he tells me and I did as I was told sending me into a slumber.

For me this seem more of a memory than a dream

My heart was pumping like a drum and. I was shaking but ofcourse I knew why ...... he was " kemoy whittingham" the first boy to grabbed my attention ,the one who made me hate myself, the one who hated me and ladies and gentlemen give it up for " my first love"

Kemoy was one of the popular boys in my school while I was classified as ulgy " nothing new"  though......he had very nice hair around 3 or 4 feet taller than me , very bright eyes, plump lips and a square jawline. Not to mention he was quite the nice guy...... who am I kidding ??? Even if he was nice ...... to me he was cruel .

For me he was the one that got away , I loved that boy with everything I had in me and am always watching him from a distance.... He even comes in my dream.  sometimes i wonder if I'll ever love another the way I love him ....... Because there is a difference between loving a person and wanting to survive.

This day I was in my class room as usual wearing my burgundy and white uniform althought my shirt was not very white since it was close to summer and I was sweating like a hag. With all my focus on my notes I didn't even notice when there was a crowd until I saw him coming with it . Instantly I became nervous and my selfcontrol went flying through the window

I wanted to convince myself it was good but with all the girls laughing I knew it was trouble . When he was well infront of me he flung a paper on me " stop call up my name cause mi nuh like yuh and mi nuh want body ulgier than me" he says and then the cheers and laughter begun as he walked away

Do you know how humiliating that was?? It hurt so bad I wanted to become trans parent. Without even a tear slipping down my face I fell back on my butt . " sash!! Don't pay him nuh mind... you are perfect just the way you are" my bestfriend say and may I add she was cut from the best human clothe there is

That was the moment I knew the tears were gonna fall so I rested my head on the desk as she patted my back. " don't cry , be strong , don't cry" I repeated in my head but the tears blur the vision of my shoes and soon I was getting up . " I need a minute ..... going to use the bathroom"  I say and head out the door.

As you might of guess there were still girls who saw what happened and begun laughing when they saw me so with teary eyes I held my head down and ran like a cat stealing cheese and in my safe place I went " a bothroom stall" and that's when the tears fell uncontrollably..... in that moment I made a vow to be prettier however that promise would ruin me