Oblivion

29| Lucky Seven

JOSEPHINE

I couldn't sleep. I had turned over and over on the mattress, but nothing changed. Unfortunately, Valentino was serious about the books and took them away from me in the evening until the morning, so I didn't have many options for keeping myself entertained. 'I could eat something,' I thought, quietly making my way to the kitchen. I probably didn't even need to be quiet, given how soundly the others were sleeping, but I still didn't want to risk waking anyone. It had been quite a day, and I realized how much I needed peace and quiet to process everything. Being safe had seemed so far away for such a long time, but now I was. My worst fear could finally disappear.

All that remained were the other monsters that lurked in the shadows, scratching at the walls so that I would never forget them. I decided to think about that another time and opened the fridge. It was still surprising how full it was no matter what time of day. Maria looked after us well, no doubt about that. There was even a special place for the high-calorie things that I could eat or drink, but they disappeared way more often than I actually consumed them.

"Hello, Domenico," I said while looking into the fridge, and heard a rough laugh behind me. Happy to see some leftovers from the cake Maria had baked, I reached for it.

"Little midnight snack?" A hand with a snake tattoo appeared next to me and took the cake from me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," I gritted through my teeth as I reached for a yogurt. When I turned around, Domenico had already gone to the table and motioned for me to sit down too. "Why are you still awake?" I asked him.

"Let's just say I was out and about, just got home, and leave it at that. Then I heard someone trying to get to the cake and decided that I could eat something too," he explained succinctly, as if I didn't know what he did when he was out. "Ah crap, I forgot the fork. Tiny, would you be so kind—although I can get up myself." However, Domenico didn't get up to retrieve a fork but simply picked up the piece of cake. His knuckles were slightly red, and when he noticed I saw the blood spatter on his hand, he pulled his sleeve over it. It was probably better not to ask. "What about you?"

"Let's just say I had an exciting day, couldn't sleep, was hungry, and leave it at that," I replied, only to put a hand over my mouth. Did I really say that?

Domenico grinned. What would he think of me? "Then let's just leave it at that. Tell me about your day."

It wasn't a question. Domenico didn't ask, and when he did, it was in a way that made it impossible not to answer. I thought about what I could say while I opened the yogurt. Unlike the others, there was no point in lying to him or Vito. They both seemed to know every time I lied. "The session was good. We talked about resilience, and next time I should think about what progress I see in myself, which is difficult for me."

"Did that trigger the panic attack?"

"How—" But then I remembered. The watch on my wrist, just like the one Riccardo was wearing now. So I was still being monitored. While it didn't surprise me, it was very annoying. "When can I take the watch off?"

Domenico looked at me with an expressionless face. It was impossible to guess what he was thinking. "That doesn't answer my question."

But I resolved to stand firm on this point. I managed to do so until I wanted to start speaking. Instead, no words left my mouth. Frustrated, I snorted and gave in. "No—yes—maybe. There were many factors," I answered his question reluctantly. He looked at me expectantly. Great. "I was exhausted, then I had to order and pay for the first time, followed by the mishap that made Riccardo angry."

"Was Riccardo angry with you?" I quickly shook my head. He nodded. "I understand."

No, he wasn't, and he never would be. None of them could imagine what it was like to expect another attack at any time and how the fear of fear controlled so many things in everyday life. 'Stop.' He would never understand why I felt a little relieved with each attack because it was finally happening, and I couldn't perceive the limbo in between as positive. 'Stop.' It would never be difficult for him to order something or spend money in public because he didn't know how it felt to have nothing. He would also never have to worry about what his brothers thought of him, because they couldn't leave him behind. But they could leave me behind, custody or not, and it was only a matter of time. Everyone left me sooner or later. Crazy Carl, my godmother, my parents—'Stop! I wasn't left behind by them; my parents died.' I tried to correct my thoughts. Dr. Bradford would certainly be very pleased. I had to change the subject. "Riccardo didn't sneak out. He tried to help me when I had a flashback, and I didn't recognize him. So I tried to fight him off when he tried to bring me back. The black eye is my fault, and he shouldn't have to wear the watch as punishment for something I did."