December 4, 2024
Today is my birthday. I was born in the year 2002 - The year of the horse. This means I am high-spirited, active, and energetic. And given my birthday, I'm a Sagittarius. Half human, half horse. Adventurous, independent, optimistic, emotional, clumsy, careless, boastful.
There's good and bad to being me. I'm a genuine person. I love with everything I have even when I know I'll never get anything in return. I see the best in people even when they've only shown me their worst. I seek the truth and hope for honesty.
But lying is a natural human trait. As Dr. House says, "everybody lies."
And it's true. They do. Everybody lies.
I learned that lesson when I was only 9 years old. School had yet to start, we had just gotten back from church camp a few days before. My dad was at work and my mom was in the kitchen washing dishes. I, being the carefree and independent child I was, had absolutely no idea what my brothers were doing.
I pranced down the stairs in my NSYNC nightgown and propped myself up on the barstool across from my mom. "What's for dinner?" I asked without a single worry on my mind. My mom looked upset. This wasn't unusual but this time was different.
"I don't know, but when your dad gets home, we're having a family meeting." This was never a good sign. Family meetings were for bad, bad things.
I was always a curious child so I asked, "why?" To this day, I cannot remember her response. It was probably something along the lines of, "you'll find out when he gets home." or "Don't worry about it. Go play."
I was confused and worried. I had no idea what this family meeting was about but I had a feeling deep in my gut that something was wrong.
An hour or so later, I heard the front door open and I ran down the stairs to greet my dad. I ran, jumped into his arms, and hugged him as tightly as my little body could manage. This was our daily routine. Dad comes home and everyone runs to the door for hugs and kisses. He returned the hug and kissed my forehead before putting me back down on the ground. He smiled at me but it never reached his eyes. Something was wrong and nobody was telling me what it was.
My dad walked in, set down his stuff, and took off his work boots. He walked toward the kitchen to say hello to my mom. They said some simple hellos but there was so much tension. Why was there so much tension?
"Alright. Family meeting!" My dad called out to everyone in the house. I sat my little self on the armchair in the living room. My two older brothers trickled downstairs in their teenage boy fashion and sat on the couch to my right. My mom stood behind the chair I had shimmied myself into while my dad stood in the middle of the living room. I could feel the tension building. It felt as though I had a watermelon stuck in my throat and my lunch was bubbling up to the surface.
'He's leaving.' I thought as I looked him in the eyes. 'I don't know why, but he's leaving.' I knew before he even opened his mouth. How? I have no idea.
In the next few moments that followed, I have no idea what was said. My ears were ringing and all I heard was, "I have to leave. This is not your fault and we'll still get to visit, but I have to leave."
Everything happened so fast. As soon as the words left his mouth, the youngest of my two older brothers stood up and stormed out with my oldest brother following closely behind. My ears were still ringing and I couldn't move my legs. I reached up to touch my face and found tears I hadn't even noticed had fallen.
And then, I broke.
It felt like a tsunami pouring out of me. I didn't understand anything. Why was he leaving us? Why was he leaving ME? It wasn't fair.
Next thing I knew, I was cradled in my father's arms on the floor. His work shirt was soaked in tears and snot. I couldn't help but shake violently and let him hold me. (Little did I know, I'd come to regret that later.)
This is the moment I will never forget...
My dad, sobbing intensely, looked to my mom and cried out, "Help me!"
All she could do was shake her head no and I broke even more than I ever thought possible.
That singular moment is burned into my brain so deep that I picture it every day. It lives with me throughout every moment. I will carry it with me for the rest of my days.
1. My dad was leaving.
2. I was confused and my heart was aching.
3. My mom wasn't there to comfort me in the one moment I needed her the most.
This was the beginning of the end. The end of that loving, trusting, care-free spirit.
