always and forever (in your eyes part 2)

An outtake between chapters 24 and 25 (after Roseanne's big interview)

By the time Roseanne made it to Lisa's apartment, she felt like her entire world was about to fall apart at the seams.

Had she really just done that? Had she really, truly, just told a reporter in her final interview before her election, that she was a lesbian?

Her hands shook so hard she had to press them into tight fists and push them against her thighs as she clenched her jaw and shook her head, trying to focus over the rushing of the blood in her ears; she couldn't let herself think about that right now. She couldn't.

Lisa. Lisa. She just had to focus, had to keep her focus on getting to Lisa.

She stared at the front door, the thoughts about all she'd experienced inside of that apartment circling through her mind. The fact that all her body – and mind and...

heart – had been craving was inside, right now, was enough to make her want to run away and hide with how overwhelming it was.

But Roseanne Park didn't run. Not from this, not anymore.

Squaring her shoulders, she lifted her hand and let out a trembling breath, because this was it. There was already no going back, and if she had to go forward from here, she wanted to do it with Lisa.

Her fist was still shaking as she knocked on the door, the quiet moments following it leaving her in absolutely agonizing anticipation. Every second that ticked by felt like it dragged on. Like every second that went by was even more space between her and Lisa.

She heard footsteps from the other side walking closer, walking toward the door in the way she was so familiar with by now. How she could picture light footsteps walking down the hall from the kitchen, getting closer. Closer.

Gods, but she wanted to see Lisa again, so much. Wanted to see those startlingly beautiful doe eyes, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear, the way her mouth would fall open in surprise at seeing her. She at least hoped it would be surprise.

Anger, sadness, blame, that same heartbroken look from a month ago in the café, she thought maybe she would see any combination of those things. And she wanted them; just wanted any part of Lisa, now.

She could explain herself as best as she could, hopefully, even though with the way her heart was pounding so uncharacteristically hard in her chest, and the way her head felt so – so full and frantic, she wasn't sure exactly how well she would do on that from.

It didn't change the fact that her fingers itched to stroke over Lisa's cheeks, so reverently, the way she'd been missing, and with every second as the shadow of footsteps came closer to the door, her heartrate picked up in her chest.

It didn't change how much she craved Lisa's own arms wrapping around her tightly, anchoring her in a way she'd never felt with anyone else before in her life. In a way that she'd never even expected or wanted to feel with anyone, but instead of feeling weighed down, it made her feel at peace, and it was a peace she missed so damn much. A peace she needed right at this moment, when she'd just put everything in her once–clear future into static.

The footsteps stopped, the shadow under the door right there, directly across from her. Only inches away, and it made her stomach clench.

She hadn't lowered her fist from where it rested against the door, as if holding it there would keep her closer to Lisa somehow, while she waited for it to open.

And when she saw the shadow on the other side of the door start to fade, footsteps walking away from the door, the breath she'd caught and held rushed out.

This was Lisa walking away from her, walking away when Roseanne came back for her. Walking away after Roseanne had come out to the New York Times, when she felt like she was holding so tenuously onto the control she'd spent a lifetime cultivating.