To my dear boy

Chapter 1

"So, what is love? It's when a boy and a girl get along so well, when they like the same things, they finish each other's sentences, when they're soulmates. Soon enough, they get married and have this big, happy family with five children and a dog. That's love... right?

It's not the butterflies in your stomach, the craving of his touch and wanting to taste his lips. It can't be. You can't feel that way about a boy. It can't be normal, right? It's just a silly feeling. You're confused. Yeah, that's it, confused. Because it can't be love. It just isn't. Boys are supposed to fall in love with girls, not with other boys. It's not normal, it's gross.

But why is it that when everyone says: 'I can't wait to see you get a girlfriend' or 'Oh, you'll be quite the ladies' man, I can tell, your future girlfriend will be very pretty for sure.', I can only imagine kissing him?"

That is what went on in Andy's head every single night, as he struggled to shake off the tormenting thoughts and fall asleep. He was only twelve at the time. This was all so strange to him. He always tried to blame this on puberty. It must have been the reason. Everyone probably goes through this. It's just a matter of time until these thoughts go away and he finds the right girl for him. That's all.

Except it's not. Because months have passed, and everything is still the same. Sixth grade is coming to an end, and nothing has changed. He's thirteen now, and the feelings and thoughts are coming back, even stronger now. This is not how things were supposed to go. It was supposed to get better; he was supposed to be normal again. He had to stop staring at his best friend's eyes like that. So what if they looked pretty? A lot of people have nice eyes. Not like his, though. You could get lost forever in those dark brown eyes. Everyone always said it was the most boring color, compared to green or blue. But green or blue eyes could never shine in the sunlight like his did. They could never look so dark and filled with emotion, to the point where you can't tell the pupils from the iris. They could never look so gorgeous. And his hair too. It was also brown, but it was so light, it was almost blonde, especially in the summer, when the sun made it even lighter. It was never washed out though, it always looked golden. But he shouldn't be thinking about all that. It's not right.

By now, it had become obvious that time alone wasn't going to help. So Andy started searching the internet for anything even remotely helpful. He opened up an incognito browser, searching up things like: "how to stop being in love with your best friend?", "what does it mean if a guy likes another guy?", "am I gay quiz". After going on every website known to man, he did manage to come to one conclusion: he was gay. This answer, however, only seemed to cause more questions to bubble up to the surface, as well as quite a few problems, the biggest one being that there was no cure. It was something he'd be forced to live with. There seemed to be some "conversion" camps, programs and things of that sort, but they were all run by preachers and religious people and looked quite sketchy, so they were obviously not viable options, especially when the whole internet clearly stated it was an inherent part of him. He could never tell anyone this. It was a secret he'd have to take to his grave. He'd marry a woman, live a miserable life, and no one would have to know. Just thinking about it was making him scared to death, making him question the point of even living, when he'd be doomed to never experience happiness. He quickly shook away the thoughts, planning to deal with all those questions later. As late as possible, actually, and preferably never. Right now, though, he had a bigger issue: the massive crush he had on his best friend, Matt. He had to find some way to move on. He fell asleep while trying to figure it out, with no result whatsoever.

Since it was now summer holiday, Andy and Matt hung out almost every day. This wasn't making it any easier for Andy to get over his stupid crush. Maybe all he needed was some time apart from Matt. He had to find some sort of reason to stay away from him. At first, he faked a cold, as an excuse not to go out. That excuse didn't last forever, though. Not being able to come up with any believable reason for avoiding him, he started ghosting him. Matt was obviously pissed at his best friend, when he stopped replying to his texts. So he stopped texting too. The two didn't talk at all for the rest of the summer. Whenever they accidentally bumped into each other on the street, they would just ignore each other and go about their day. But Andy would always glance in Matt's direction, his heart shattering from how much he missed him. On days like that, he'd go home and cry in his room over how he was different. Why was he cursed? It wasn't fair. Everyone else got to be normal, so why not him? When the thoughts got too overwhelming, he'd go out to the one minimarket where they sold alcohol to minors, and he'd buy a bottle of vodka. He'd sneak it into his room and down it. Ironically, it didn't really make the thoughts go away. But it felt oddly comfortable to be in this state, when everything felt hazy and numb.

Eventually, days passed, and it was the first day of school once again. Andy was dreading this day more than anyone else. Not only would he have to deal with school, but also with Matt. And the worst part was that the break didn't really help either. Sure, his feelings weren't that intense anymore, but he knew damn well that it would only take 5 minutes of hearing his voice to melt once again.

Everybody gathered in the classroom, wanting to claim their new spots. The room was filled with the sound of chatter and the excitement of the first day back. All the kids were fighting over the desks in the back of the classroom, trying to figure out how to sit next to all their friends. Andy looked around the room and chose a secluded spot, as far away from Matt as possible; somewhere behind his twin sister. But to no surprise, the homeroom teacher had to ruin everyone's plan. Soon after she walked in and welcomed everyone, she asked them to sit in the exact same spots as the previous year, for the sake of avoiding arguments over who gets which desk. A murmur of disappointment flooded the room, but it was quickly covered by the sound of chairs being moved and students walking around. Andy instantly went pale, knowing he had no choice but to go back to his old seat, next to Matt. He reluctantly got up along with everybody else and went over to his old seat. Matt was already there. As he sat down, he glanced at the blonde boy for a moment, guilt and shame washing over him.

"Hey..." he muttered, trying to break the awkward silence.

Matt just stared back at him with contempt, obviously still angry about everything.

"So now you wanna talk, huh?" he replied in the end, raising his eyebrows.

Andy stayed silent for a moment. What could he even say? It wasn't like he had an excuse for ghosting him all summer. He eventually started talking, his voice quiet and filled with remorse, hoping that he'd come up with a valid reason eventually.

"Look, man, I'm sorry. I know what I did was really crappy of me, okay? I... I don't even know why I ghosted you. I was mad at you at first, but now... I can't even remember why, to be honest. I've wanted to talk to you for a while now, I just didn't have the guts to. I'm sorry. Can we be friends again? Please?"

Matt's gaze softened, a small smile creeping on his face. He patted Andy on his shoulder.

"Yeah, it's fine. You're like my brother, I can't stay mad at you."

"Yeah, brother..." he muttered, feeling a pang of disappointment in his chest. He quickly scolded himself for it. Why was he expecting anything different? He knew damn well he was an abomination and his thoughts were beyond sick. He knew Matt would never love him and could never know about his feelings. If he ever found out, he'd be kicked to the curb and treated the way he deserved: like a monster, a freak. Because that's what he was. A freak.