Casual

I wanted for her to be the things I wanted. How I wanted it so badly. But in a sea of wants there's more, there was more I didn't see. Being blinded by feelings is something I've come to realize over the time I knew her. She had these big beautiful brown eyes that she said didn't look right on her face. I told her she was crazy and I kissed her. That laugh, the laugh that had been the most treasured thing in my life came to a point where it was no more than a ghost. I told her I loved her as we sat under the stars. She told me I loved the idea of her, then she kissed me. After that every time we kissed it felt like I was searching for something, looking for this thing in the midst of it all that hinted she wanted me the way I so desperately did her.

I knew nothing was to come of it. Truthfully, it was my fault. But I can't help but feel malice, it's only right. I tell myself I hate her. Hate her for how she strung me along. Tell myself I hate her smile and those eyes, the way she laughed when I told her jokes. Yet I never hated her, and I still don't. I can't bring myself to. Hating her would be hating the carbon copy of myself. I let myself get carried away by those illusions I made because maybe in some lifetime there was a chance with her. 

Maybe she sounds like the villain and maybe I think of her like that, but we were what she labelled us as 'Casual.' I knew what that meant, we weren't anything. We messed around sometimes, but there was so much more than just that.

That one day we were sat on the sand at the beach and I held her hands in mine, her touch soft and gentle. It comforted me. I looked at her, the wind blowing her hair about her face as I tried to memorize each of her features. It pained me for some reason, that reason I realize now was that I knew in that moment things wouldn't last forever. 

'I like when you paint your nails this colour.' I say as I intertwine my fingers with hers.

'And I like that you notice these things. I do them for you.' She says as she kisses my forehead.

I refuse to believe that was something of the 'Casual.' nature. How could I let myself be so stupid and allow for it to happen, I won't ever know. But I should have said something, anything. Stood up for myself and said it wasn't right. I couldn't though, because I was afraid of losing her, losing what we had. 

She had to go away for school. Her family insisted. It felt like my world had been torn in two. But I couldn't change it. I even begged her to stay with me. She then told me it was for the best. I asked her why and she told me something that ultimately broke me.

'I love you, every part of you, every thing about you. But I try to keep you away, however no matter how hard I try, it doesn't work. I need to keep you further away from me. You're always in my brain and I'll take the blame but this is wrong.'

'Why is it wrong?' I ask.

'We aren't anything, we can't be anything. We can't love each other the way I want to because we are both girls.'

Some time passed and I very much was not over her. How could I be? I didn't care that we were both girls, I was comfortable. But she wasn't. I wished in that moment that I could have been a boy. But I'm not. I won't ever be.

We were nothing but casual.