"Hey I'm gonna go get some food, do you want anything?", Patrick and I were watching a movie. I was laying on his chest and his arms were wrapped loosely around me, one hand rubbing my shoulder and the other firmly on my waist.
"Umm", I sat up slightly, trying to come up with an excuse. I felt like I'd eaten wayyy too much today, and felt guilty for being hungry again. I felt like eating in front of Patrick would be humiliating, like he'd see me for how disgusting I see myself.
However, before I had time to make something up, Patrick sat up, pulling me against him. "Gorgeous, what's wrong?"
I could feel his fingers making their way to my waist, rubbing comforting circles against it as he held me. "I just..um..I'm not really that hungry". I looked away.
"What? But it's late and you haven't eaten since like, lunch, sweet girl you sure you're not hungry?"
I looked back at him and decided to just tell him how I felt. I didn't want to deal with it alone tonight. I just wanted to be comforted.
"Well, I don't know I guess I am hungry", my voice shook slightly as I spoke and Patrick's grasp of my waist tightened. "I just.. no i- no I can't I'm fine I don't need to eat anything else"
"Yes you do I promise if you want to eat then you do need to eat, not only that but you deserve to. Baby I'm here for you, you can talk to me", I looked up at him nervously so he leant down, kissing lightly along my neck, "I'm here for you no matter what, you're my sweet girl I promise you whatever's going on I'll make it ok".
I felt so protected and, for the first time in a while, I felt safe and like I could relax. Like I didn't need to do everything perfectly to earn his love. Like maybe he'd love me regardless.
"I don't want to gain weight, I don't want you to think I'm disgusting. I hate-", I looked down at my hands and started fidgeting nervously, "I hate how I look and-and how I act and I want to do anything to try to fix that. I just want to feel comfortable in myself but I'm so tired of always stressing over being perfect".
"You're gorgeous baby I promise, I look at you and I get all nervous thinking about how lucky I am that you're my girlfriend", I laughed a little, "really it's true. You're stunning, your smile makes me feel all warm and happy, your hair is always beautiful like I have to constantly hold back from running my hands through it, your skin is so soft and you smell amazing so when you cuddle me I just want to kiss you all over, your eyes are deep and gorgeous and the way you look at me drives me crazy, you're so insanely attractive just by being you. It's you that I see in your smile, your personality I see in your movements and your soul that I see in your eyes. No matter how you look, you're beautiful because you're you, and that's what I fell in love with".
I looked at him for a long time, at a loss for words as his eyes scanned my face in lust and his hands wandered up into my hair and along my neck. "Really?" I said softly, feeling my heart glow.
"Yes really, you're my girl and I'm so lucky, I'm in love with you, not just your body or your looks but how I can see you through all of it. I'm in love with you, all of you", he smiled sheepishly and looked away.
"I love you", I said, he looked back and his Adam's apple bobbed as he gulped nervously, "I love you", he said softly.
"I love you so much", I leaned forward, and started kissing along his neck softly. "I love you", he whispered, "I love you", he pulled me up and started kissing me softly but passionately, like he needed me more than anything else.
He eased me down onto the couch and fiddled with the hem of my shirt, "can I?" He looked up, "absolutely", I mumbled. He pulled my shirt off and immediately made his way down my stomach leaving a trail of kisses in his wake. "You're beautiful here", he kissed along my collarbone, "and here", he muttered against my chest before scattering kisses down the dip between my breasts, "you're so so beautiful here", he whispered, kissing down my stomach, "you're waist is just, uhm it's perfect", he kissed all down it and used his tongue to make little circles against the base of my stomach. "You're my gorgeous gorgeous girl and I'll remind you of that as much as you need me to", he moved back up and pulled me against him, holding my close with his hands clinging to my waist.
After a few minutes he sat up, "how about we go get that food". I smiled and stood up, leaving my shirt on the couch and walking to the kitchen in just a bra and sweatpants. Patrick stood up and followed, wrapped his arms around my stomach pulling me back and making me giggle.
We walked into the kitchen and he lifted me up, sitting me on the counter. "So, what are you in the mood for?".
We settled on toast. While the bread was toasting Patrick stood between my legs and lavished me in even more gentle kisses. When the toast popped I slid down from the counter and put them on a plate. As I buttered them Patrick kept his hands on my hips, kissing and nibbling at the side of my neck and along my shoulders. He swayed my hips lightly, "you're so beautiful my love", I smiled, "thank you my love", he laughed lightly, his breath tickling my neck.
This was it, I was ok, I was good enough, no matter what, I was enough
