you loved romance. you loved reading it. you loved watching a good rom com. you loved the idea of love.
you just wish someone would have told you how embarrassing it all was. love is embarrassing. plain and simple. it's humiliating. and no movie, no book, no past relationship ever prepared you for how much you were willing to embarrass yourself for bucky barnes.
no one prepared you for hearing that tired sigh and watching your friends roll their eyes. every single time without fail.
"we broke up."
"we're back together."
"we're just keeping it casual."
"i love him."
"i hate him."
bucky barnes had literally driven you to the brink of madness. then reeled you back in. then pushed you head first over the cliff. and as much as you wanted to hate him for it, you know you've done the exact same thing to him too.
something about the two of you, whether together or broken up, turned to usually level headed, composed agents into immature, borderline insane people.
dignity, both yours and his, was no longer a consideration in your relationship.
it was simple, neither of you had any left.
not when you kept falling into each other's beds and arms over and over again.
and in spite of all of this, in spite of all the embarrassment, the moment bucky texts you and asks you to meet him for a coffee, you agree - but only after making him wait several hours for a simple 'okay'.
here you sit before him, sipping on your tea, wondering where the hell your pride went. you were sure you had it right before bucky texted you.
bucky lets out a deep sigh, his hands anxiously rubbing together. "I just - i thought that maybe we should talk. alone. and i didn't want you to think that i was just trying to -"
"hook up?"
he nods, his lips pressed together, "exactly."
"it's not like everyone doesn't already know what's going on between us."
he immediately looks apologetic. you hate that. you hate that deep down, bucky barnes is actually a really good person, just not a great ex-boyfriend.
the real kicker was that he was actually a really great boyfriend, at least, from what you remember. "i should've told you that sam and steve found out."
your shoulders slump in defeat as you acquiesce, "and i should've told you that natasha and wanda found out."
his mouth twists. "so everyone knows, huh?"
"pretty much... does that surprise you?"
"i mean, i guess not. it's not like we were subtle about any of it."
you playfully snort, "no, i guess we weren't."
"why did we break up?"
"you don't remember that huge fight we had?"
"no, i remember that. i remember being really pissed off. i remember saying things that i didn't mean. i just can't remember why i didn't go after you. i can't remember why you didn't come back. and i can't remember why we gave up so easily."
the crazy thing was you could hardly remember what the fight was about. his ego. your temper. conflicting work schedules. the reality was you both blew up that night. "i don't remember either."
"why the hell are we still broken up?"
pride, mostly.
it was always the ugly head that reared itself in your relationship.
you were too proud to admit that you were wrong.
he was too proud to admit that he was wrong.
you were both too proud to be the first one to lay your armor down.
"it's just..." you start, shaking your head and immediately backtracking, "forget it."
"it's clearly something," bucky urges.
"it's embarrassing."
"i promise i won't give you shit about whatever you say."
"no, bucky, it's embarrassing..."
his jaw sets to the side, his teeth clicking together. "us? we're embarrassing? you're embarrassed to be with me?"
"no! yes! no - it's - this whole back and forth. if i get back together with you now - which i'm not saying i will - what does that say about me?"
he scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. "i didn't realize you cared that much about what other people thought of you."
"don't patronize me," you sneer. "you've embarrassed the shit out of me over and over again. forgive me for having some self respect."
"i think i'm falling in love with him," you confess.
"i'm so happy for you!" wanda squeals.
"barnes!" natasha greets him. "we were just talking about you two, so much for being a lone wolf, huh?"
bucky wraps an arm around you, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. he scoffs, "nothing's changed. we're just keeping it casual."
"i've embarassed you?" bucky guffaws. "you're not exactly innocent in this either."
"me?" you gasp. "what the hell did i do to you?"
"i think she's the one," bucky wistfully admits.
sam rolls his eyes. "you've been dating like a month."
"i'm not seeing your point."
"hey, sam," you greet him, making a point to glare at bucky as you pass the two of them on the way to the bar.
"oh shit," sam chuckles. "someone's in trouble."
"what? no i'm not - " bucky's words are cut off by the sight of you flipping him off as you walk away. "i stand corrected."
"you've done plenty," bucky grunts.
"and now, now, all i hear now is everyone's opinion of what they think i should do!" you exclaim. "do you know how humiliating it is to have everyone's opinions of whether or not i should be with you?"
"you'll never get over him if you're still under him, if you get what i mean," nat quips.
you roll your eyes. "you have the subtlety of a brick wall."
"you were the one that was all over sam at the bar the other night!" he accuses.
"and you were flirting with some random stranger in front of all of our friends!" you shoot back.
"people are staring," bucky points out.
you hang your head. great, you've embarrassed yourself once again in this back and forth with bucky. "i'm just tired of hearing what everyone thinks about this back and forth."
"but what do you think?" he emphasizes. "because, honestly, i'll embarrass myself over and over again if it means i could have you back. just name a time and a place and i'll be there." you're taken aback by bucky's offer. he was a proud man. there was no denying that. and maybe it's the fact that there's nothing but sincerity gleaming in his eyes or the fact that he's willing to give up something he values so much for you. maybe romance isn't dead after all. "or maybe, maybe we just stop. we stop this back and forth. we stop acting like kids, stop trying to get back at each other. we just... love each other without worrying about what everyone else thinks."
"oh fuck," you hiss under your breath as the realization hits you.
"what?"
you don't say anything. you just realized that you're about to embarrass yourself one last time for bucky barnes.
who cares? after all, love is embarrassing.
