The truth Untold

Prologue

Prologue

🎼 DPR Ian - Mood 🎼

My body feels heavy again today.
As if I were underwater again and couldn't breathe.
As if I was going to drown at any moment and wouldn't be able to return to the surface.

My lungs keep trying to gasp, but something is holding me back. No... something isn't right.
My head is stopping me.
As if I wanted to kill myself.

But why would I want to see myself die?

I'm not suicidal.

Really not. At least I think so...

Everything is blurring in my mind.
Some thoughts scare me deeply.
I'm sometimes very afraid of myself.

Today is one of those days again.

I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling.
My eyes follow every single twinkling star that you can see above me.
About a year ago I stuck some stars on the ceiling that glow at night. Three different shapes are looking down at me and try to sooth me.

Back in the days, when I was young, my mom used to do the same with my room.
Every single spot at the ceiling was covert in stars and I loved to count them while I was getting sleepier.

I thought that it would also help my 27th year old ass but now I feel like a child that is scared of the dark and not like a grown men.

I hate it. I totally hate it that on some days I feel like I am nothing.

Deep in my heart I know that I shouldn't feel that way but I still am.
It happened way too much in my life and it feels like I deserved all of it.

Like i am the loser in my Story.
Maybe I really am one.

🎼 Got7 - Crash and Burn 🎼

The full moon is shining with full force into my bedroom and is blinding me.

Unfortunately, my blinds broke yesterday and I haven't had a chance to buy a new one yet.
I've tried to fix it myself but sadly I'm such as skilled as Namjoon. Just without setting everything on fire like he would manage.

My bedroom is brightly lit and of course my bed has to be facing the window.

Maybe I should move my bed. I moved in here half a year ago and I'm still not happy with the furniture configuration. I'm just too lazy for all of it.

I press one of my pillows to my face and squeeze my eyes shut. The chest pain that comes with it is just the least of my worries.

And the symptoms are nothing new anyway.

Especially not around this time of year.
I know the symptoms all too well from my long-standing panic attacks.

Before the memories can turn my head upside down I try to relax and keep trying to look at the stars again.

All I need is some sleep, and I've had far too little of that lately because of my Job.
Don't get me wrong. I really love my Job but sometimes I don't really know if I am really build for all the pressure.

Since 2018 I'm working at TEEN Records and made my wishes come finally true.
I could produce music in every possible way and could start putting my feeling into something melodic and what people could understand through instruments and lots of other things.

We recently started working on a new Girl Group that would debut in just 2 months and the preparations for the new album are in full swing. The first songs have to be recorded soon and I'm currently working on the very last song for them.
Everything has to be perfect in my opinion and could never turn songs in when I'm not 100% sure of it.

The thing is that, when I start writing songs, i get too captivated and litterly can't stop with it. That's the reason I'm staying most of the time in and only drive home to use the shower and eat something. Well, i order something because I'm sometimes just too lazy for cooking and it's no fun when you have to cook only for yourself.

The kitchen will be only used when my friends decide to come over because they thing I'll turn into a old grandpa who will talk to himself. I take a mental note to never tell them that I actually started talking to myself at home. Nothing is wrong with that, but they wouldn't stop teasing me about it.

I can't even remember the last time I slept in my bed.  For the last few weeks I've been sleeping on the couch in my studio.
That's why my neck feels like it's about to break. I should buy a cooling spray on my way back home tomorrow. That should help a bit.

If Namjoon hadn't shown up in my studio last night and wouldn't found me with my face in my pizza (tasted really good by the way), I'd still be lying there with sauce in my hair.

I've always been a person who took tasks of all kinds way too seriously and let myself get neglected as a result.

Like my hair. My hair is now way too long and urgently needs a heavy cut. Maybe even garden shears are appropriate.

Hoseok actually summed up my appearance pretty well.

"Yoongi... I really don't want to offend you, but you look like a homeless person. You really should get your hair cut. You could pass as Hagrid from Harry Potter for Halloween!"

I've never been called ugly so charmingly. Hoseok always had the best lines. I'm very lucky it was him.

Jin would have been more brutal.
I would definitely have started crying inside.
He's the last person I would like to mess with. He looks like an angel but is the devil in person sometimes.

Sighing, I turn onto the right side of the bed and let the pillow continue to rest on my face.

After a while, my eyes became heavier and heavier.

I was about to finally fall asleep, but the universe had other plans.

🎼 Why don't we - Be myself 🎼

The strong cough makes me wide awake again and I reach for the glass of water next to my bed. Fuck... It's happening again.

I become more and more panicked, because the chest pain is getting worse and I can't breathe anymore.

My lungs are no longer getting enough oxygen.

My hands are shaking too much.
Because of that, the glass in my hand falls to the floor and the glass shatters into a thousand pieces as I grab my chest. I don't know what to do. I haven't been in such a horrible situation like that in so long. The last time was when...

I hold my chest with my left hand and cough into my right.
Suddenly a lump in my throat dissolves and oxygen is pumped into my lungs again.
Completely exhausted, i sit on the edge of the bed and try to regulate my pulse again.

I've never had such a strong cough before.

Am I getting sick?  It's possible. The weather is going crazy at the moment and I have the air conditioning on in the studio all the time.
I should stop sleeping there. For the sake of my health and my neck pain.

I'm just about to get up and pick up the broken pieces of the glass, when my eyes fall on my pajama pants.
The right leg is dirty as I can see in the dark.
Which is impossible, because I just washed them.

Confused, i feel my way over to my lamp on the bedside table and turn the light on.
In the mirror I only can see me and my messy black hair. But when I looked at my hand, my face went blank.
There was blood all over my hand and i haven't even touched a single piece of glass yet.
My mind started spinning and the least thing I wanted came upon me.

A Panic attack.

~~~~~
1.332 words ✍️🏻 ~ by Sonny 💜