ALLEYWAY ALLIANCE (boy x boy) [ONGOING]

CHAPTER SIX : Parenting 101

Babies aren't that hard to take care of. I mean, all she does is cry, eat, shit, and sleep.

Kenji's taking a nap and I feel even more under pressure. I need his supervision. I need him to make sure she doesn't end up in my wall or something.

I feel like I might do something wrong. I might not even know what I did wrong but she might just not wake up at some point today. I want him to sleep, but really, I don't trust myself with a real baby. I couldn't even take care of a hamster at seven years old. I don't even know how he ended up decapitating himself lodged in my underwear drawer after I lost him and didn't feed him for three days.

Well, I'm not seven years old anymore, but how the fuck am I meant to take care of a whole ass human baby?

Maybe I should stop doubting myself.

Maybe I should just change Darcy's diper.

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I can't help but feel disgusting as I change her. She's a baby, but I still feel dirty. She's not even near developing and I still feel weird. She's not my child.

But Kenji's sleeping. So I refuse to succumb.

I guess even if it feels wrong, I have to. Plus—I care for her like she's my child. Why can't I treat her like she's my child? It's not weird, right?

↼⇀

"Carson?" A soft voice made me flinch. Darcy's having a nap and I'm preparing her food for when she wakes up.

"Kenji." I smiled. "Have a good nap?"

"What time is it?" He rubbed his eyes.

"3:20." I answer. "You're sleepy, huh?"

"All because of you." He meant it lightheartedly, but that pit in my stomach came back.

"I'm still sorry."

"I've double-forgiven you. You took care of Darcy all while I was sleeping." He smiled at me. "I hope."

"She's taking a nap." I walked closer to him. His eyes are so pretty.

"Thank god." He said with a laugh. "Thank you, really. I never expected you to actually contribue like this."

"Hey..." I sat down next to him on the couch as he got up. "Why don't you tell me more about your childhood? I've been thinking about it all day."

"Later." He got up and ran to my bedroom to see Darcy.

I just sat there. Clutching my daughter's warm bottle. Shaking it back and forth in fast motions.

I'm a dad now. Holy shit.

Kenji comes back in and sits next to me again. "Look, I want to let you know that you're allowed to make mostly harmless mistakes."

"Huh?"

"Not that you've done anything wrong. I just wanna make sure you know you're allowed to make mistakes in your parenting. You're devoting your whole life to this kid. You're allowed to sometimes mess up. As long as you don't kill her, no one's perfect. Be scared to mess up, just don't be scared when you do." He paused. "You can back out whenever you want. I can do this alone."

"No, you can't. If I kick you out, you'll be homeless. Raising a kid who isn't even yours. I'm not doing that to you."

His smile was bigger than I had ever seen it. "You care about me..."

I held both of his hands in mine and looked him in his eyes. "Of course I care about you. What is there not to care about? You're so perfect." Do I sound gay? Not... not that he minds. 

"I've never felt so appriciated in my whole life..."

I pulled him into a hug. "I mean it, Kenji."

↼⇀

Maybe I do love him. Maybe I am a little gay. I just can't handle how many butterflies I get around him.

Oh God.

I don't know if I like this. The one thing my father always told me was to never fall in love with a boy. He didn't want a gay son. Luckily, I got into drugs instead. But where has that led me?

I'm sure not I'm going to tell him. He doesn't need to know I'm so in love with him. He's definently straight. He'll never like me like I like him. I should keep it to myself.

As long as I keep it to myself, we'll both be happy. He's fine with being close with me, anyway. I'll ruin it if I confess. I'll ruin it all.

I'll be quiet.

I look over at Darcy, who's still sleeping on my bed. I came in here to change my shirt, I'll change my shirt.

A soft knock comes from my closed door. It's Kenji.

"What's up?" I open the door slowly.

"I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble." He puts his hands in front of him. Oh fuck no.

"Trouble?!" I say, too loud for my liking. "You turned my whole life around. In a good way."

"Yeah... I know. It just felt wrong not apologising. You shouldn't be taking care of a baby at this age. You should be out—living your life."

"Before you came along, weed was my life. You did me a favour. Plus, I love Darcy."

"I had never met a man who's so determained to take care of a child who he's sure isn't his. We don't even know her mother." He takes a deep breath. It sounds shaky, like he's about to burst into tears. "I didn't think I'd ever meet a man with the morals of a woman with baby fever."

"You haven't met yourself?"

"No, I'm different. I grew up in harsh conditions with no choice but to care for little kids."

"You're still a man." I look him in the eyes. "You still fit into the category." My hands migrate to his shoulders and now we're looking at each other's lips like we're going to kiss. No, no. I can't let that happen. I'll ruin everything.

I look away. My hands fall from his shoulders. I won't let this happen.

Darcy's cry interrupts it anyway. "I think we woke her up." He says with a concerned tone of voice as he runs over to put her in his arms.

I watch as he gives her kisses and her cries turn into giggles. She's so precious. I swear to protect her forever. 

This isn't the fatherhood I was expecting, but oh, how I love it. 

I leave the room to get her bottle without being even asked. I'm so useful.

And it's not even cold because I left it in a bowl of hot water. I'm a great... best friend? Roommate? What even is my relationship with Kenji at the moment. I mean, I think I barely know him and we're already raising a child together.

AUTHOR'S NOTES

WRITERS BLOCK IS GETTING TO ME 😭😭