Nobody's Home

Prologue

           Death is a weird thing. You could be talking to someone the night before, then the next you are staring at an empty bed, then the next week you are deciding on what dress you should wear  to the funeral.

           In the back of my mind I always knew death was inevitable, but I chose to ignore it, for the sake of my wellbeing. Although I think that was what cause my downfall, I ignored it to the point that I didn't think it would happen. So when it did, it felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It really sunk in as I walked into the church for the service, behind my family. The church was silent, all heads turned towards us as we walked in, I saw all of the faces of family, and people that she knew, and used to talk about. I ignored all of their stares and held my head up high and held back the tears that began to form in my eyes. I was doing well until I felt a hand grab mine, I looked over and saw my mom holding my hand. I took one look at her and the tears that I was doing so well at holding back, came flowing down my face. 

           Death has the power to bring people together, people you would never expect, but death also has the power to tear people apart, people you thought would be there forever. 

           I think the worst part of the funeral is sitting in the front row, you don't know real pain until you are sitting in the front row, watching your family go up to the altar in the church and say their memories that they had, watching them cry, and hearing sniffles all around the church. I've been to funerals, but I've always sat in the back row, or close to the back row, I would always think that the people who went up to speak had great courage. I never imagined myself to be one of the people in the front row, or being one of the people who were fidgeting with a paper in their hand, anxiety filled about having to get up and speak. Like I said, it takes great courage, and that kind of courage I did not have. 

           My cousins said their speech and walked off, my aunt looked at me, it was my turn to speak. I took a huge breath in and stood up, ready to walk up to the altar alone. As I said, death can also tear people apart, which is why I am walking up to the altar alone, holding back my tears. Once I was near the altar a stray tear fell down my face, I went to turn around and sit back down in my seat, I couldn't do it, the anxiety became too much. Before I had the chance to turn around I felt a hand go into mine. I looked up and saw my friend, smiling at me with tears in her eyes. I smiled back at her, and we walked up to the altar together. I placed my paper down, and looked out onto the array of people that were here. I saw people that I would see at every family function, I saw people I hadn't seen in a couple years, I saw the people she showed me in pictures, I saw the people she never forgot. 

           I took a breath in and looked down at the, pretty much, blank piece of paper in front of me. I didn't know what to say, I hoped it would come to me once I came up here. 

           "Well, here we are." I finally speak, laughing lightly. I saw some sympathetic smiles. I have never been a person who liked speaking in front of large crowds. When we had to in school, I would conveniently go to the bathroom when it was my turn, proudly taking my failing grade for the assignment. 

           "I knew this day would come, but I always hoped it wouldn't, or that when it did it wouldn't hurt as bad as it does." I pause, looking at the one sentence I had written on my wrinkled paper. I looked over to my friend and she smiled at me, encouraging me to continue. 

           "Today I say goodbye to the woman who is the reason I am standing here today. Some of you may know her as a mom, an aunt, or a friend; but I know her as grandma. Today I say goodbye to the woman who was the reason I woke up every morning in my darkest times, even though she never knew that. I say goodbye to my grandma, Catherine." I stop for a moment, to collect myself. The tears were free falling down my face. 

           Death was something that I wished never existed. Grief was something I wish I never had to cope with.