Mommy's Promise

Growing up wasn't easy. I've lived a very hard life, sometimes unbearable. But, I was taught to not feel, be strong, don't cry, hold my head up no one knows what you feel inside and no one cares. Growing up my mother was my best friend she got me through alot i would do anything for her she was there for the heartbreak the anger the happiness the birth of my children i still remember the look she gave my when my son was born the hardest point in my life because i thought i lost him before i could even meet him. She worked hard to make sure me and my sister had what she didn't, Well most of the time sometimes she lost her way but she always found her way back to her family. Family was everything to her. I knew if I was ever in trouble I could call her no matter what it was. Then came the day she  shattered my heart more than anyone could.

 I thought I had met the love of my life. He was everything I would've laid my life down for that man and it's sad to say but I still would because at the same time that I hate him, I love him. We had two beautiful children together Sage and Elijah. I didn't think I could love someone so much before. 6 beautiful years together not perfect. It was amazing and horrible at the time. We both had our faults. Neither one of us is perfect but who is. He cheated, lied and manipulated but at the same time I've never felt so loved in my life. He made me feel so beautiful that I deserved to be loved and treated like a queen but he also made me feel worthless like I wasn't good enough that I wasn't important. I was always making mistakes that it's my fault what he did wrong to me was my fault.

 I don't know his side or how he felt but I know I did it to him too. I could see it in his eyes he felt what i felt we loved each other but hated each other at the same time we were the exact same soul trying to make something work but there was to much damage wanting to stay together for our children but at the same time not wanting our kids to know this kind or relationship. We went through alot homeless living in tents living off people trying to grow up and at the same time raise these beautiful babies, children having children. It wasn't how it was supposed to go but I wouldn't change having them and I know he feels the same. We lost each other. I ignored it and pretended that we were perfect because I thought that's what I needed to do. All we had to do was get through the hard times and when we had everything we wanted in life it would be perfect. We'd be happy and in love and watched our kids grown up and create their own lives and break them of the cycle that our family was stuck in i thought we'd grow old together die together i thought this man was my soulmate i thought i got it right the first time 

but… that wasn't the case he broke my heart yes but my mother shattered it she took my heart and soul and he willfully let her they fell in love all while we were together I can't explain the pain i felt i screamed and yelled and cried and begged him not to go to stay we were a family, family is supposed to stay together fight for eachother love one another. 

The day he walked out that door he took my heart with him and I haven't been the same since. He left like it was nothing like I was nothing he’d watch me cry with no emotion on his face. I knew the man I loved was gone. He was no longer the smartass loving person I knew. The man I promised to never leave to love always no matter what was gone it was like a switch like he turned it off. Everything I knew and loved and cherished was gone.

 I knew that when he pushed me to the ground and held his foot on my head while he told me that he hated me and that I was a fat bitch. It was like a bomb went off and my life was gone. The dream that i had for us was gone i felt everything and at the same time felt nothing at all i was empty and hollow. 

Now that pain was nothing compared to the pain I felt that it was my mother that took that from me. She told me to just get over it that he doesn't love me anymore and that she didn't care that she was part of the reason I was hurting. It was my fault he left. I should've done better, I should have done differently. My life after that was like I gave up. I rarely saw my kids. I was always high or drunk. It was my way of healing, not thinking about it. It made me numb. I didn't want to think straight. I didn't want people to think that I was hurting. I wanted everyone to hate me because I didn't want sympathy from anyone.

 I cut out my father, my sister and my whole family. My sister was left alone because my father was going through the same thing he lost his wife of 25 years I know his pain was as bad as mine if not worse way worse I learned something about myself during this time after almost being raped I realized I was going down the same path as the rest of my family the one thing I promised myself I would never do I stepped back and looked at everything and I said

 “No, this isn't me, this is not who i'm supposed to be.” 

I needed to change so I cut people off. I moved back to my family's home. I got a job and I was starting to heal after a year of pain and sorrow. I knew I was better than them and that I would not let what they did to me define me. I would make them regret everything they've ever done to me but not by making their life hell (even though I tried) because that just put me at their level I would not do that to myself. One thing about me is I love hard and I will give you everything but once you hurt me you're nothing to me you never existed. It will happen when you least expect it. I'll play nice for now for my kids sake. 

I know how this plays out and its nothing good for them karma don't play nice they'll get what's coming to them I got my karma and now its only up from here for me, for my kids and for the one person who was there for me through it all…My sister she helps me through alot she keeps me in line when it comes to this situation im a hot head i'll admit, who knows where i'd be if she didn't stop me as many times as she did. 

Right now I'm applying for colleges and freelancing. I see my kids everyday and they motivate me even more. I will do everything in my power to be the mother they deserve and make sure they never know this pain, my kids will always have a home, food on the table and a shoulder to cry on. Mostly a Mother that they deserve. They'll never know this betrayal.

I'll stop anyone who gets in my way.

Mommy promises.