Caught up

Insomnia

Things have been weird lately. I don't feel like myself. It's like I've lost control over my mind. I have been having crazy thoughts. It's all messed up there. I cant explain my feelings. The moods swings I get. I'm happy and laughing a moment. I'm screaming and crying my eyes out the next. I cant control it. None of it. I don't even know why I'm doing this. Thinking out loud. Writing whatever the hell is coming to my mind. I want to talk to someone. Anyone. But Im scared they might think i'm crazy. Mentally unstable.I myself doubt my mental stability. I still have nightmares. I still wake up in the middle of the night. And I want to cry. But I cant. It's like something is stuck in my throat. And I know that all I need at that moment is to cry my heart out. But I cant. I lay in bed. Trying to sleep. With my eyes wide open. Im scared. Not of the monsters under my bed. But the ones in my mind. I try to distract my self from the train of thoughts. Im Staring at the fan. The air from it isn't controlling my sweaty forehead. I see myself hung. The thought of it disturbs me. But i cant look away. I don't want to look away.I stare. Until my dead father comes in and takes me down. Seeing him made me happy. Very happy. I want to be there. Where he was in my dreams. Under the huge shady tree. Not looking back. Leaving everything behind. Such calmness is what i need.
.....
Its 3am. Im tired. Im exhausted. After all the walking. Crying. Breathing. I needed to take in fresh air. So I am in the balcony. Looking up I could see the faded dim light of the moon. Nothing else. No stars. No planets. Just the moon and the clouds covering it. Trying to get out and be itself. I somehow relate myself to the moon in cloudy nights. When I looked down, there I lay. On ground. With every bone in my body broken. I looked relieved. As the last breath left my body. So much better than living in a world like this. A world full of selfish perverts, rapists, murderers. Humans. And Im just a ghost floating this earth with nothing to cling on to. I feel like I don't belong here. Like I am just breathing with no life. I feel dead...