I couldn't sleep Last night till morning... So I decided to drink black coffee... Shortly after drinking I fell sleepy so I decided to sleep...
Woke up in 12:30... Because of the noise outside, it seems my aunt and uncle is here... I decided to sat up and looked around.. I heard that my Aunt and uncle was going somewhere..so I decided to volunteer on watching their baby.. her name is Amira she's my baby cousin, she's cute and chubby.. when my aunt and uncle left.. I looked around and saw that the living room is not clean.. so I decided to clean the living room, it was hard as I'm holding my baby cousin, thankfully my grandmother arrived and get the baby... After I'm done I put some blanket in the floor so I could lay there.. *sigh*... Honestly... I don't know myself anymore... I'm tired..yet I don't know why.. my body.. can't take it anymore.. I guess my soul is the only fighting.. by the way I'm not some critical patient or something.. it's just, I could feel it.. my body giving up... I sometimes asked my heart, why it wouldn't give up pumping.. is it because of the ambition, hope, and what ifs? That is buried deep inside?... I don't know if I'm sick or something..I don't know anymore.. depressed? Anxiety? ADHD?..*sigh* I'm very much bonding with them everytime, I guess they love me very much
Depression is something that I understand very well, feeling nothing is important, wanting to die that is the feeling that I have in me.. I don't know when did that appears.. maybe because of the pressure or the people..I control it very much just by avoiding the reality.. reading books, manga and manhwa made it easier, being immerged by what I'm reading made me stop thinking about the problem and depressing thoughts that I have.. being able to forgot about the reality even for a second made me control depression.. I know running away from my problem and running away from reality is not good.. but what can I do, I don't even know what's the problem. I sometimes wish I live in my imagination, being wise, being smart.. being Normal..ahh what a dream to have.. what can I do, imagination is always better that reality to me...
Anxiety, that bitch is very annoying and I hate it. Why? Because overthinking is my expertise..hahahaha.. annoying right? That everything is important to me when that bitch pop up out of nowhere, like all of my emotion is running wild... Because of this bitch I always fuck up every important things.. which is annoying and embarrassing.. ugh!.. anyway this always made me wish that I lose all my emotion.. why? Because when there is a happy scenario and this bitch suddenly pop up and fuck everything.. overthinking that what if there is a huge change after this happy scene.. like a calm before the storm... And just like that, my mood changes, it went from being happy and laughing to worry and sadness.. *sigh* that's why I hate it..
Lastly ADHD, *sigh*
You know I'm okay with depression and anxiety.. as I have master to control it.. mastered to not let anybody know that I have it.. but ADHD?..that bitch is very annoying troublesome.. it would suddenly came out anytime.. And not even telling when... I hate it.. suddenly feeling an excitement out of nowhere.. giving me too much energy out of nowhere... Making me feeling crazy and making me do crazy.. I have to punch a wall to let out the energy or by pulling hair, biting my wrist, pinching my self and cut my wrist.. yeah, this bitch is literally making me self harm, well is not like I'll complain, I bet no I'm sure depressing basically is agreeing with this bitch.. while anxiety worries, which led to a tug of war.. commiting suicide or not.. I wonder who will win, made me curious..
Well that is the three emotion or something that is very much active in me. *sigh* I just hope and pray that the three wouldn't combined.. that would be a total disaster...
