CRIMSON SHADOWS

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝟕:𝐃𝐄𝐉𝐀-𝐕Ú

TW: SUICIDE AND OVERDOSE MENTION

''Traumas, they surround me.''

𝐀𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐀:

When I turned 13, my parents hosted a birthday party for me, big deal. It was a really nice ballroom themed party. You wouldn't tell that it was a kids party. It had a gold and black theme. A very 'grown up party' like set up. Now that I think about it, it was a show off party.

The same night that I had my first kiss. From non other than William. He had found me in my room and said he was looking for the bathroom, which I think was a lie because all the bathrooms are downstairs. My floor is the opposite way from all the guests' parts of the house.

My parents kept trying to show off just how much of a happy family we are. I was being introduced to people I didn't even wanna know. Maria and her friends were talking about me taking over the modelling world, 'just like my mom'. Maria being Maria told her friends that I couldn't be like her while I'm still fat. I got angry and as much as it's hard to admit, I was hurt. It hurts, especially if you have been working hard to get the person's approval. I stormed out, dad followed behind, then mom after him. 

There was a heated argument. I confronted them about a number of things that were going on around the house. Dad was clearly not please. He almost got physical, but by the grace of God he just stormed out. He avoided me more after that. I mean he has never been around, but it was clear that he was avoiding me at that point. 

After that everything was overwhelming. Trying to keep my grades high, trying to act like everything is fine and the fucking shithole my house was. Dealing with my mother's hurtful insults and trying to act unaffected at the same time. I even started trying to ignore William, slowly pulling away from him. It was all shitty. 

I needed peace so much. So I tried the closest way to peace; suicide. I'm still alive, so clearly, I failed. I tried the cutting your wrists and lying in a bathtub full of water, I learnt that it causes you to lose a lot of blood, anyways that is not important. That was my first suicide attempt. Apparently Rosa was the one who found my semi-lifeless body.

I stayed in my room the whole time, under the care of our personal doctor Dr. Brown. He then diagnosed me with depression. He recommended therapy. Now if my parents really cared, they would've agree. But instead of therapy, I got a lecture and Maria pulled the; ''Amara grow the fuck up and realize that the world doesn't fucking revolve around you.'' I was told that having a depressed daughter would ruin the name the family has built, and therapy meant someone knew about it. They couldn't take that risk.

Someone, I don't know who, found out about the whole thing. It was spreading like a fucking measle. Dad decided to stop the hide and seek game, except he was hiding and no one was seeking. They told me that they decided to send me to Eastwick Private School, It's a boarding school. Which is 22 hours away from home. I guess it was their way of stopping the 'rumor', as they called it (to the media). By getting me away.

Four years later, 17 years old, someone posted a picture of Mr. Moretti entering Ellie's dorm room. I found out he had been married the whole time, through that post. Then Ellie killed herself. I betrayed her. My parents brought me back to Orchard hill, again they tried getting me away from the problem. 

My parents hosted a dinner slash party. Which is supposed to be a welcome back party. But by the look of things, It's a business meeting. It doesn't feel welcoming at all. They kept showing me off. I still don't get how you show off something you dislike. Anyways...

I got drunk. I was out of my mind. I kissed Nolan Kirovsky. That was crazy...

Mom made the same old joke about my weight, her stupid friends still found it funny. ''Clearly my daughter is still not ready to walk in my shoes, she still needs to work on her weight.'' is what she said. I stormed out, dad followed and then mom... Deja Vu.

''Amara what the fuck is wrong with you.'' My dad asks in frustration. but keeps his voice steady and low. ''We can't be fucking going through this again. Have some decency and act like a fucking grown up okay. You're a Hernandez-Torrez, you have to keep the fucking name clean and remember you are not just living for yourself. Stop making scenes.''

''I'm sorry... I'm sorry for not being able to take bullshit. I thought I had the fucking right to stand up and walk away if someone is talking bullshit about me, and you call this a scene you should've seen what was going on in my fucking brain. Now that would've been a fucking scene, a shitshow .'' At this point my voice is raised, low enough that the people inside don't hear, load enough that my so-called-parents feel my frustration. I blame the alcohol, but at the same time I thank it because at least I'm standing up for myself right?

''You are not going to talk to your father like that, change that attitude Amara. I told you countless times before and your father just told you again, represent our surname well, and stop being childish. you hear me.''

''What the fuck, I didn't even ask to be part of the family, okay. Matter fact I bet my life would be great if I wasn't.'' I say, my voice is starting to break but I keep it as stern and steady as possible and holding in tears. My throat feels like it is holding a lot. 

 ''We get it Amara, you lost a friend. You delt with grief, now get the fuck over it. Look around a bit more, you will see that the world doesn't fucking revolve around you. We are busy, we don't have time for your childishness.'' Daddy dearest finds it inside him to give such a nice, heartfelt speech. Literally heartfelt  ''We didn't raise you like this.'' He tries to lower his voice a bit, but the frustration so clear.

I'm also frustrated though. I'm tired, angry, overwhelmed but mostly hurt, by the way my parents have always neglected me. ''Well newsflash Andres, You didn't fucking raise me at all. You are as dead. And you guys never, EVER had time for me, so I suggest you shove that speech up your ass until you find someone who will give a shit about it and hand it to them-''

My cheek hurts, the stinging pain is too much to handle. I feel warm liquid. Tears, I'm crying. He slapped me. He fucking slapped me. Tears find their way down my cheeks, there's a salty taste in my mouth. ''Don't fucking talk to me like that.'' And he walks away. 

''Go change out of that slutty outfit and change your attitude. Stop being a whore. You might've been able to seduced your horny teacher, Amara, but not all men are interested in you, okay? Especially when your body is still like that.'' And she also walks away

I run up to my room, then shower, skincare, and straight to bed. I don't even bother going down there anymore. I take my pills, the regular 2 pills isn't doing anything, so I increase it to 4 pills.  And just like that, I black out.

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''Amara what's the answer.'' Miss foster's annoying voice wakes me up, I swear to God, this woman is obsessed with me. I look up and roll my eyes and then put my head down again, then up again.

''I don't know, Miss Foster. I wouldn't know the answer if I didn't even hear the question.'' She glares at me, clearly pissed. That's not fair I'm the one that's supposed to be pissed. She literally disturbed my sleep.

''See why it is always important to listen in class, let this be the last time.'' She has to be kidding me right now. But for now, I'm gonna be a good kid and listen to the teacher . Note the sarcasm.

Her class goes on and on, she keeps yapping. Then the great bell rings. Blonde curls boy at the front stands to leave, but Foster pulls the; ''The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do. Now sit down and let me finish explaining.'' Load groans come from everywhere around the room. He sits back down. He seems impatient the whole time, I wonder what plans he has, for him to be that impatient.

After a whole ten minutes, she is done explaining and she dismisses us. Ten whole minutes of my break time. The bell doesn't dismiss us... NOTED.