Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Nothing that keeps you from drowning. Nothing that hides those voices from your heart. Nothing that makes you feel alive again.
Everyday I'm walking past those happy people questioning how life could be. Questioning how life would be if I didn't have started all that. I wasn't always like this, I wasn't always so empty.
Once I was a little child without doubts. Life was good, my neighbor and I hung out everyday I jumping on his trampoline or riding our bikes. Playing games outside or building houses with pillows. Water was refreshing and swimming was fun. Clothes didn't matter. Insects were cool. And food wasn't just calories. I don't know when it happened. Days became to rush. And my childhood began to fade.
Playing wasn't cool anymore. Trampolines were ignored. Neighbors were just neighbors again. Water was frightening. Swimming became something we avoided. Clothes were made your personality. Insects became annoying. And food were just calories now. Now, now we are all the same. Sitting in our rooms, wasting our youth with thinking and jealousy. Summer runs by and never spend a day with your friends because you lost them all. Unsocialized yourself and locked everything from humanity. Scared of contact but feeling so lonely. Not motivated enough to get up. Forced yourself to starve and then binged everything. Can't take a meal without vomiting everything out again. Cried every night and felt empty on the daytime. Never really loved anyone but you're wishing you could. Missing your old friends. But can't reach out for them. Constantly feeling dizzy. Forget about everything and sleep all day and night with the wish to never wake up again. Tried to kill yourself multiple times, always failed. Searched for help but never got some. You're lost.
But how did we become so lost? So forgotten? So lonely? So sad? So empty?
You go for walks to help yourself. Everyday you wake up and feel so empty. Everyday you try to get out this black hole and try to fill it with something, something you don't even have. So you'll fail and fall back into it. And now you're tired, so tried you don't even try anymore. You gave up, gave up on everything and everyone you loved because you can't carry all this inside of you. So you find your way, some people will cut their self's, burn their self's but you just write. Write everything off your mind. And when you're empty again, you can start all over again. Because this will never end. And every time you fall again, you're falling deeper and deeper till there's nothing left.
So you drown. Drown in your own sadness and begin to find comfort in this sadness. You'll accept the fact you can never be healed and you'll forever swim in this dark void. Get okay with yourself but there will always be missing something, something that someday got lost. But you left everything behind so there's no chance to find that once piece. You wondered how you survived and you'll find peace. Some days you'll be happy but it's only temporary because the darkness catches up on you and lays its veil over you.
But even though you've changed, you did all that. Nobody noticed. So you try to find someone how will take care of you. And makes you feel alive and loved, so loved. You get attached but this person manipulates you and breaks everything you have built up again. But you'll still do everything for this person because you're addicted to this attention and love. You'll break every day a little more until this person leaves you without any hesitation, without any guilt. Now you don't see any point to live anymore, so you try to kill yourself again. And you'll fail. Fail and feel so empty. Like shell.
Then you'll find a friend who takes care of you. You'll get so close you never want to lose them. Lonely you thinks it's your soulmate and you'll trust this friend with anything and you'll do everything for this one friend. Now you've changed. Your behavior is changed, your attitude, your voice, your smile, your mindset, your clothes. Everything. This friend will bring you into their world, it's so new and special. You feel so welcome and loved again. But then your friend betrays you. You'll forgive. And think this was the only time but your friend betrays you again, again and again. You'll always forgive until you're in real damage because of this friend. It's their fault but they make it look like it's yours, make you feel like it's yours. Now you question yourself again. Try to run away. Break again. Lose contact to that friend like your trust in people.
You'll be drowning again. Isolating yourself. Till you can't breathe anymore. So you look for people who will be there. And then there are those two friends which welcome you in their group, you'll get famous and happy. You stop drowning and start living again. But then one of them begins to fight. You'll forgive again. And get happy again. But this never ends. Those fights get tougher and tougher every time. You'll forgive. This one friends tries to get you down again. So you try to isolate yourself again. And now you're excusing yourself for something you never did. Again. The other friend holds onto you and doesn't want you to go. The other one stops talking to you and starts avoiding you. You're exhausted and tired. Start isolating yourself again.
One day you'll look into the mirror thinking you're fat and you'll starting to hate yourself. You'll try everything to lose a little weight until you're caught in an eating disorder. Food is only calories nowadays and needs to get out of your body as soon as possible. Starving makes you wanna binge. So you'll eat everything you can find and after that you'll feel so bad you wanna starve yourself again. It never ends. But you can't show anyone you're struggling so you start to isolate yourself again.
Then your best friend gets a partner and starts to treat you like shit. Compares you with their partner. Makes you feel so tiny and miserable. Nights get darker and louder. You get lost again. Starting to cry again. Never feel enough. You can't control yourself anymore. So you start to isolate yourself again.
Your parents will ask you why you never speak with them. But if you do they only argue about you're never doing enough. So you'll never feel enough. You're trying so hard to give your best but they don't see. You're good in school but they don't understand your effort. Slowly you start to fade a little more again. Slowly you don't feel understood again. But if you want to talk about your problems with them and start to cry they will just say stop being such crybaby. Because they never saw your struggle. Never saw your sadness. So you start to isolate yourself again.
Meanwhile you tried to fix your friends problems, tried your best to take care of everyone but never felt appreciated.
And some dark night you can't take all that anymore so you take all those pills and you'll cut right deep, so deep. Through your skin, through your muscles right through your veins. Your blood will be leaking out of your body like the tears from your eyes. You'll watch the stars while your blood flows down your arm and builds a puddle right nexto you. And now you finally feel the peace you were always searching for.
