Who Am I?

Who is he?

I look at myself some more. Liking the beauty that is hidden within me. The beauty that must stay hidden from the outside world. My eyes sparkle with joy at the thought of finaly being free from it all. I was foolish, thought I could save the world, make it a better place not knowing I will destroy everything left remaining. I step outside the sun catches my eyes and my skin reacts to warmth around me. He is still there. Now sitting on the couch on his phone again. I creep behind him reading the texts from his phone. Hey, we really need to talk. Says him. I almost feel guilty for spying on him then I remember everything, the fight and those hurtful words, the hospital... and just like that my guilt disappears. Then the other number responds Does she know? His fingertips are sliding through the keyboard typing his answer. He changes his mind a couple of times, but I don't budge till the moment I see words play on screen. I don't know. We all need to talk for fuck's sake. He has been threatening me again I swear I'll kill him next time. My patience ain't all that big. I bling rapidly. My body stiffens and my breath freezes. I stand completely still waiting for the number to respond. Alright calm down mister big and scary. Remember your last attempt. Ye I thought so. Don't worry tho he won't do anything to you. I try to process the words coming through his phone. Someone is threatening him again. Why? What do they want from him cause as much as I know he ain't rich or smart. I can see how his anger is slowly boiling up, ready to erupt. I won't stop it, the conversation that is clearly not meant to be seen by anyone other than Marcus. His breathing starts getting shorter his hands shaking. Oh and how would you know that?! You aren't the one who is stuck here with her. And at that exact moment I knew it was about me, it was all about me and you. About our story, story of our love, story of your death and Marcus is somehow mixed in it. Reading into it I still can't understand completely what are they talking about. The story is missing context there are holes in it. He is clearly hiding something and I am ready to find out. Find out all his little dirty secret he keeps hidden behind those lips those dark eyes. So I don't move I don't even flinch, my eyes focused on the screen of his phone. Oh please like you ain't enjoying it. I've seen the girl and she is a bomb, well if you ignore all those nasty scars like jeez. Anyways I promise you he won't break our agreement plus as long as you are on a good terms with her you won't have any problems not with him nor with anyone else. That bitch is protected better than I though. So keep your hands clean you understand we don't want any attention on us. That's when he breaks. I see how his fingers curl in fists I can feel vibration of his muscular body through couch. He is angry, angrier than I ever saw him I wish I could see his face right now maybe then I would understand what is going on why is he hiding it all from me. He doesn't type anything back he just stares at his phone vibrating in anger. Minutes fly by and he is still just staring at the text then there appears another one. Also could you get her out of the apartment take her on a date or smth like that maybe she will even let you hit. He is basically shaking now and I can't blame him. How dare they offer me as a body, as an item. Maybe I will even let him hit. What do you mean? I ain't that easy. I just lost the love of my life and they think I will just move on like it isn't big of a deal. I hate it, how people acts so ruthless, like they don't have a heart, soul and brain. But words hurt and these aren't any different I still care I ain't like my father. I have a soul and that soul it's broken. No matter what I try to do to fix it make it right, make it stop hurting as much I fail every single time. I won't give up no. I will find out why you died, I will find out who is threatening Marcus I will expose my father and I will feel better. I will be better. He types short I ain't doing shit for you. I hold my breath scared of the reaction even thou it doesn't necessarily apply to me. Oh please don't tell me you are offended now. She really is good. Twisting you around her little finger when it should be the other way around. She probably takes it after her father. Listen here I have the power in this situation remember, don't be stupid alright. Could cost you a thing or two if you know what I mean. And with that he throws the phone so it hits the wall and shatter in a million pieces. There is a silent cry of anger that escapes his mouth and the sound is heartbreaking. I am shocked and for a moment I don't know what to do. My legs won't move and my mind won't listen. I take it after my father really? I am nothing like him. I care for people I help people I am trust worthy and never in my life would I do something to hurt someone intentionally. I am nothing like him and I never want to hear those words again. I... I don't even know what else to say how absurd. I swear when I find out who is behind this number they're dead, not just to me but dead. I hear him shuffling on the couch he will get up and see me at any moment. I have to do something. So I do what every intelligent person would do I slowly back up all the way to the kitchen. I wait for a moment then I stumble into the living room acting all scared cause of the mysterious loud noise. Maybe those acting classes won't go to waste. What the hell was that? I ask confused. He turns to me looking guilty as ever but I play along. His face is pale eyes angry. I try to look as surprised as I can. I step to the crushed phone and lift it. What happened to your phone? I ask innocently, smiling clueless. His eyes softened, body relaxed. Just an accident. I am sorry for scaring you darling. Won't happen again I promise. He says voice husky, little smile in the corner of his mouth. I smile and to my surprise this one ain't fake. He just got threatened again and he is apologizing to me for smashing his own phone. It's nice of him I will give him that but still far away from what will it take for me to forgive him. Do not get attached it's what I keep repeating over and over in my head while I am staring at his deep eyes. I need to get out of here. I can't stand him really. How can he be so charming. I should hate him really. I should hate him so I will try my best to do so. Hate him even thou it's hard when he gives me no reason too so I guess I will just have to pretend. I mean I have been pretending all my life, when I was a child I used to pretend that Sofia was my real mother and that my father was somewhere out there waiting for me, searching me, loving me. Stupid I know still don't believe me I pretend till this day that you never died I pretend that Alex is still out there, hiding waiting for the perfect moment to come and rescue me from this darkness So it shouldn't be hard to pretend I hate Marcus right? Smile fades from my lips and I give him a cold look. He looks confused but I don't blame him I would be too I am. I don't like him I hate him I just miss Alex that's why I feel this way right? It's totally normal to fantasize about him when he is almost identical to him. You maybe wanna go shopping tomorrow. Not that I am trying to buy your forgiveness but I need a new phone and I thought you said something about books? He says and I would say yes, I would if I didn't know what was going to happen the moment I left this place on it's own. Just the thought of it makes me crazy. I stand there watching him with disgust in my eyes. He will really betray me again. Damn. He is trying to get me out of our apartment so they can what? Steal everything of you that is left? Destroy our memories Shred everything that is left to fucking pieces. To do what? For what reason? To hurt me? I don't think so. How could he? Lie to me all this time and he is still lying I can't believe him. I try to contain my anger, try to hide it away from the human sight while it's burning inside of me. Ripping me from inside out. I will literally kill anyone who even try to touch his stuff, destroy anything that belonged to him. No I'm good. I say my voice cold, sharp not allowing him to banter. He looks disappointed. So I give him one more chance, just one more to make things right, to clear things up. To finaly end this discussion. I don't want to be his enemy, I don't want to be just a stranger to him but I will do whatever it takes to protect those memories, I will do anything to keep everything the way it was before even if I have to kill myself over it. Don't you have something to tell me? I say warningly. His face drops and I can see how he is thinking of even more lies. Lies to cover up the story I want to know so badly, the story of your death. He doesn't come up with an answer, he is just quiet stuck somewhere far away from here. I hate it that sam goddamn silence that follows me everywhere I go that same silence that isn't silence at all. There are voices and thoughts trapped in it banging and screaming trying to break free. I wait a couple of minutes, just a couple to decide whether I want to murder him right now or shall I wait till tomorrow when I get company. Nothing? I say dissapointed. He shakes his head. It's not that easy Al. That goddamn nickname. Nickname that was mine and your, nickname that was our, he has no right using it, saying it out loud it's like a foreing word for me. How is he so selfish? So blind to the pain that single word is causing me? I am mad at him I walk to him with one hand I grab his big hoodie other palm crunch folds into a fist ready to smash his face till there are only pieces left. I told you not to call me that. I say through clenched teeth. My voice comes out like a hiss, maybe even a growl. He doesn't flinch I know he ain't afraid of me. I am weak my body is three times smaller than his. He doesn't smile he just slowly touch my arms, looking at me with his gloomy eyes. I'm sorry. He says his voice low intimidating. He isn't I know he isn't. Cause if he would have been sorry he wouldn't lie, he wouldn't hurt me the way he do. He is just trying to make me feel bad, manipulate me with those puppy eyes that don't work anymore. I am not even angry at him anymore just disappointed in him, in me. How could have I mistaken him for a good guy? For someone that cares? How could I misread him so damn badly. How could I be so blind? I sigh and let him go. He stumbles backwards and lends on the couch. You ain't worth it. I say disappointed. I pick up his phone at least what is left of it. I feel his gaze on my back as I walk away, it kills me just a bit more. I lock myself in your room trying to remember the number he was texting with. What was it. 030 something. I don't know I wasn't focused. Fuck. I am angry, angry at Marcus and his secrets, angry at me for not remembering so important number, angry at you cause you just left me here, left me alone to figure it all out. How could you. How could you just leave me? Theres got to be a reason and better hope it's a good one. I need to fix this phone. I need to know who was he texting with also I need to get rid of him. I need him to leave this place, I need him ti disappear. I want him to go and never come back. Where is his family? Friends? Girlfriend, lover something. He has to have someone right? I pull out my phone from my back pocket and start googling. Alright Marcus shit I don't even know his last name. How will I find that out. I can't just ask him he will get all suspicious, plus I ain't speaking to him till he tells me everything. Then an idea strike me. Of course. He lives one floor above me and on all of the doors there are last names of owners. Okay but how do I sneak out without spiking his attention. I wait till I hear him going to the bathroom and then I run to the front door. I unlock it my fingers slippery. I don't have time for shoes, barefoot I run up the stairs and stop at what I think is his door. Okay. So Marcus Collins. His last name is Collins. I write it down real quick and before I know it I' m running down the stairs again. I creep into the apartment and just when I think I made it unnoticed there he is. Leaning on the wall of the bathroom smiling at me mischievous. Ah shit. Just when I am about to explain it all to him my phone rings. Without looking at him I answer the phone only to hear a familiar voice on the other line. Alita! I missed you angel. You didn't text back and I know we ain't on the best terms but I was so damn worried about you I couldn't sleep, every night before sleep I thought about you alone out there. So I figured why not just call right? I gasp so hard that I almost choke on air. His voice brings tear into my eyes, tears of joy. It's Mateo. My little Mateo. The one and only Teo. Teo! I missed you too. I am so sorry. That's all that I can get out before my eyes start to dwell. Tears fill up my eyes and my throat starts to close up. He must have heard me crying so he says Hey, hey, hey Alita. Don't cry mi amor. Please don't shed tears over something you don't have influence on. His voice is so calming, like an old friend greeting me back home. I missed this. Missed him not in that boyfriend, girlfriend type of thing but as a friend. Ever since we broke up he was my best friend my partner in crime till the day I met Alex and forgot about him. I feel horrible. Teo I am so sorry mi amor. I should've called you, texted you at least. It's just that ever since he is gone I've been so off, so different, trapped. Days went past so fast and I got so lost in my head I forgot about everything. Words spill from my tongue like it's the easiest thing ever. I am so caught up in the moment I don't even see Marucs and the way he is staring at me full of greed and anger. When I finaly float back into the reality I think I will collapse, drift into the floor beneath me and die. I miss my life so bad. Life where I actually lived. I stare at Marcus as he coldly watch me collapse onto the wooden floor. I am kneeling now and the pain is only getting stronger. I am trapped in my head, I can see it. All the memories surrounding me, ready to drown me. I can see Alex holding my hand, hugging me over my shoulder and then picking me up, carrying me around like I am just a feather. I remember running down that hill, dressed in my black dress that floated with the wind. I am running faster and faster and just when I am about to crash there is Matteo to stop me. He picks me up so I fly around like a fairy. I see Layla and Ayesha laying on the grass while you and Matteo wrestle. I see me sitting there with a flower in my hair by my side there is Tyne and Anya giggling about some school drama. I remember the feeling of being happy, being so full of joy and satisfaction, feeling that everything will be alright. Now I realize that it wasn't just you who made me, me, it was all of them, it was me, my family, my friends they created me and that me was the best version of me and I miss her. I miss that girl. I will stop you right there chica. You do not own me a single apology alright. You've been dealing with some deep shit and I am proud of you for coming this far okay. I mean I would've lost my shit by now if I was in your position so don't be so harsh on yourself angel. Okay? The words pull me out of thoughts and I am so damn grateful for them. For him. I am still kneeling with phone in my hand and Marcus is still standing there, not moving, not breathing, he is just there but not really. Mentally he is on another planet I know it I see it in his eyes. He is reliving the moments the memories as well. I leave him to it while I answer Matteo's sweet words. I missed you so damn much Matteo. I can't explain to you how grateful I am for you and your words. You mean a lot to me. I say and I mean it. I feel guilty for forgetting all about my life. I feel horrible for cutting all my friend and family off. I fell sad about missing out on so much that has happened since I was mentally unavailable. Thank you chica now stop sobbing alright. We have a whole lot to talk about but not on the phone. I will come visit you I promise as soon as I can what is the last time I checked tomorrow so you better be ready cause I am coming for you and your sadness. He says sparkling with joy. His voice is so happy and uplifting it's refreshing. I can't help but chuckle and smile with joy. Thank you Teo. I love you. My voice is so soft, so gentle it surprising me to be honest. I forgot how I sound when I am happy. I like it. Love you to Alita. See you tomorrow. Take care of yourself for me alright. And with that the call ends. It's bittersweet, all these goodbyes never knowing which one is the last. When will I take my last breath, when will I say my last I love you it's so scary knowing how fast life is changing. I kept holding on to the people and situation not realizing there are new ones waiting for me out there. I was holding on to Alex, he was someone who I promised to keep around for eternity yet I failed, but that's life things change but one thing that doesn't are my feelings for him. He will always be my number one and a piece of my heart will always belong to him no matter what. With that I return to our apartment, our little home. I take it all in when my eyes land on Marcus still frowning at me. My smile fades as I see how hurt he is. Our eyes lock we just stare at each other, soaking in the emotions around us. I don't own him an apology neither explanation but seeing him hurt hurts me for some reason. Who was it? He says trying to act calm. His voice is dead, his eyes almost closed, fist clenched. I don't stand up I just stare and I don't see. I don't see his emotions at least I pretend not too. I pretend to not see his cuts and hidden scars behind those tattoos, I pretend to not see the tears in his eyes slowly forcing their way out, I pretend to not see his whole body vibrating with sadness and grief. Old friend. I say sounding cold as I can be. Old friend? Last time I checked friends don't speak like that to each other. He says now sounding disgusted. I open my mouth to say something but instead I stay quiet. I don't own him anything, he can think what he wants to think I don't give a fuck. Why should I explain to him that Teo is my ex and he has an amazing girlfriend who I always adored, why should I explain to him how I feel about him and what is my history with my so called friend? I don't need to there is no reason for me too so I stay quiet. He just stares at me his eyes twitching. He is your lover isn't he? Really Alaric how can you replace him that fast? All this acting bullshit that you miss him for what?! You never even loved him! How can you do this to him?! You probably cheated on him too didn't you. Slut! He is spitting words in my face and I can't take them. They hurt, they rip me apart, cutting my veins so the blood covers my arms. Hurtful words that get stuck in my head on replay destroying me over and over again. I would stand up and twist his neck watching as life fades out of him I would tore him apart with my bare hands watching as he screams in agony I would kill him but I can't not yet and not like this. I try to stay calm ignore him I pretend not to hear the disrespect, the lies he is telling me. I don't care what he thinks his words are meaningless he is just trying to hurt me. By reacting I lose but by staying quiet I die just a little bit more inside. My heart aching shaking inside of me begging for it to stop but I don't stop him I listen to every single word letting it sink deep into my soul, trapping it in the back of my mind. He is still watching me rage in his eyes I see him slowly getting closer to me to the point he is towering over my crumpled body. I have seen this scenario play in my head over and over again waiting for the moment I will get to relive it again. I wished for another chance, to react different and now, now I got it. I try to remain calm while I am searching for escape. My eyes are moving fast from the right corner of the bathroom to his hands shaking but not moving towards me. I don't cry and I don't whine I just freeze. I watch him open his mouth and everything starts playing in slow-motion. The words they come out fluidly like a worm trying to break through the skin. You are just like your father! The word they stab me again and again making holes in my throbbing heart and I watch as the blood covers my eyes. I feel the warm fuzzy feeling taking over my body covering every inch of my skin. I feel as if I don't exist, as if I am someone else watching conversation play out in third person. I scream but the me there doesn't see me, she doesn't hear me but I see her and feel her. I feel how scared she was and I feel how torn apart they made her feel. I feel it all and I hate every single second of it. I can't allow it not again. So I break the glass I reach my hand out there waving for her, reach out to me I scream but she doesn't budge. She doesn't even move she is numb, broken. Anger, rage I feel hate, hate taking over me, eating every single doubt out of my mind. Then everything happens so fast I stand up and before I know it my fists are hitting his jaw making him scream in pain. I see how I push him over so his body falls on to the hard wooden floor with a loud bang, but that doesn't stop me neither does it scares me. I can see it clearly my little hands hitting his handsome face till I make him bleed, blood dripping from his nose. I am nothing like him! I am nothing like him! I am nothing like him! I scream while hitting him over and over again. I see myself and how I get up run to the kitchen and then I come back holding a sharp knife in my left hand. I see myself and I scream at the girl. Don't do it. Don't do it! I see her how she kneels down to him closing up the distance between the knife and his throat. Don't be like him! I scream at the top of my lungs and that's when I wake up. I open my eyes, I am still kneeling on the floor and Marcus is still standing there spitting those words as if they were nothing, as if they meant nothing. I stand up, my legs shaking and eyes twitching. I am now facing him our faces so close I could kiss him but that's far from my intentions. I press the knife against his back letting him feel the sharpness of it. I see how fast his face changes. Fear drowning his anger slowly letting him suffocate. I press it harder just a little bit but not enough to cut him. Alaric stop! He screams. I smile coldly my laugh filling up the air. Then I get serious my lips pressed in a thin line my eyes clear as day. I imagined the moment I kill him for good. I imagined the moment I put a hole in his chest and make him regret all the troubles and traumas he has put me through. Apologize. I say in a single breath not allowing my or his emotions get in a way. He kneels and says with tears in his eyes I am sorry for all those words I didn't mean any of that. I was just angry at you, I thought you cheated on Alex it made me so angry thinking you would do that to him, hurt him like that. Please Alaric I didn't mean it like that. I shush him as I put the knife to his throat. Shut up. He doesn't budge, he doesn't even flinch, he just looks betrayed. Really Alaric? After all that you're going to kill me? Me? His best friend? Your friend who saved you? The one that literally carried you to the hospital, the one who found you almost dead?! Wow I really misjudged you. It stings just for a moment. Just for a moment I regret the words and actions, just for a moment I want to rewind everything back to the way it used to be. I mean look at me I am threatening to kill someone for what reason? Calling me a slut? No it's far more deeper than this and we both know it I just can't admit it but he knows I know he does. What are you waiting for? Kill me! Stab me! C'mon my life couldn't get any worse than this stab me! You think I have someone out there waiting for me?! No I am fucking alone! Nobody is going to miss me! So fucking kill me already! I press the knife against his throat leaving a small mark just enough so the blood start dripping from fresh cut. I am nothing like him you understand! I never was and I never will be and the next time you even mention him I will push this knife so deep inside of you they won't be able to get it out! Fuck you Marcus. Fuck you for thinking I would ever cheat on him. What the fuck is wrong with you?! I see the madness on his face many thoughts and lies hidden within deep crocked smile. I won't kill him other wise I will never find out about Alex's death. I am not like him and I never fucking will be. I press the knife harder and the tears spill from his eyes mouth shivering. Please Alaric don't do this to him he says his voice shaking. With tears in my eyes I put down the knife You ain't worth it. I say as I stand there looking disappointed. He is choking on air while I pick up the knife and walk to the kitchen. The moment I escape his eyes I collapse to the floor bawling my eyes out. I almost killed him. I almost killed a man. I take some deep breaths trying to calm down but it isn't long when I hear his footsteps approaching. He doesn't come into the kitchen I hear his body hit the couch and I peek over the corner. There he is laying thinking of nothing. I replay the word over and over. You are just like your father. I am just like my father and maybe it's true. I mean I tried to kill him for saying the truth isn't that the definition of my father. It was deeper and it hurts it does I want to apologize but I show weakness that way so instead I boil some water and make some tea for both of us. I carry the knife inside of my pocket always from now on you can never be to careful especially with him alone. I slowly walk to him handing him the cup of hot tea. He doesn't look at me, he can't his eyes are to hurt to see me. I sit next to him sipping the tea from my cup. Why didn't you do it? He ask voice cold. I don't know is what I would say but I know why but the answer isn't pretty it's far from that. I will be real with him I don't own him anything but I won't lie. Cause I am not like my father. Cause I actually care for people and because I know you could be helpful in the future. I am not like him Marcus. He is sorry I know he is but that's not enough. I am sorry too for holding knife to his throat for betraying him and I pay the price for it I lost someone who had my back and that I can't undo. I lost the trust of a person that trusted me when nobody else dod I lost the trust of a person that was here when everybody else just got up and left. I see the affect words have on him but I know that actions speak louder and my action screamed at him I can't fix them can't rewind the time and react different so now I have to cope with consequences. Sorry for saying that. I just you know I miss him too and you have been acting like you are the only one that lost him it got on my nerves. I don't like seeing you hurt Alaric but I am fucked up too you know and it's hard to maintain everything while pretending to be okay and support you. He says his voice low. I feel wrong for so many reasons I can't even explain. I feel sorry and dirty and that makes me different from my father I will stay here with Marcus hold him as he pour out his soul and I will soak up his sadness making him feel better making him feel loved and he, he never stayed. I scoot over to him taking his head in my hands wiping the sad tears away from his cheeks. I know I am sorry. I shouldn't do that but words hurt you know they do and I tried to push them aside I tried to ignore them but I failed. You don't realize how long I have waited for the oportunity to react different and I failed again. I am so sorry Marcus I wanted to kill you but in reality I saw my father standing there not you. I wanted to kill him but when I realized it was you it was already too late. I don't know why am I apologizing to him I don't need to but it just feels so right so natural being here embraced by his arms him snuggling into my arms making me feel whole again. It's like we are conecting and healing each other on a deeper level neither of us can see it yet. I feel his heart beating against my and I feel his lips brushing my neck as he hugs me tighter. I know it isn't right but it feels so good. His head shoots up as if he can read my mind. He just stares at me with his dark eyes and big eyelashes. He looks at my lips and so do I. Before I know it our lips meet and I can feel his tounge in my mouth. I don't hesitate I kiss him back crashing into him as a sligh groan escapes his lips. We shouldn't do this I know we shouldn't but it feels so right. Our lips strangled together arms around each others body. Both moving in harmony. He escapes my embrace just to take oof his white tank top over, throwing it on the floor thinking nothing of it. Before I know it we are laying down his body on top of mine as we kiss each other passionate. He is all over me his hands cupping one of my breasts as I groan in satisfaction. I grab his back trailing my fingers over it leaving small lines for him to follow. I touch him, his muscles, his bare sking against my small palms and then I feel it. Warm fluid on top of my fingertips. I look at them, my plams covered in his blood. My body freezes. My mind goes blank and he realizes it so he stops his hands now on my face cupping me from both sides. He looks at me broken as my eyes dwell. He kisses me, drinking the tears away but I can't help but cry and so we cry together still cought up in each other arms. Don't cry darling, please don't cry. He says as he kisses me again and again. His lips brushing against my skin. I try to kiss him back I try to love him the way he does but I can't. My lips are dry and body stiff. I can't do it. He knows it, he understands it I know he does. He slowly gets off of me. I sit up pulling my knees to my cheeks hiding away from world. I feel terible. I am so sorry Marcus. I manage to say before I cry out loud. His face is broken but he doesn't hesitate he pulls me into his arms as he wraps them around my body. It's alright love. Everything is alright. I shake my head refusing to believe his words, refusing to believe this is right, refusing to feel it. Feel the safety that comes with being trapped inside of him, refusing to feel the love he gives me. It's sinful I am a sinner I am just like my father. I am just like him. You were right. I mumble into his bare chest my lips brushing his skin it sends shivers down his back I know it. I just do. He lifts my head just enough for our eyes to meet. You are nothing like him alright. I hate my self for saying it okay. I don't believ him, he called me a slut for saying I love you to my best friend but now we are here kissing on our couch the same couch where me and Alex made love many many nights. I feel dirty I feel Alex's hands on me his lips on mine I feel his warm breath on my neck and I see him. I see him standing there angry, broekn his eyes wet with bitter tears. I open my mouth but he dissapears leaving me alone with him. I cheated on him. I say looking away from him. For a moment I see his confusion. I though you said you and Matteo were just friends?he asks his voice gentle against my ears. No, not with Teo with you. I say whispering. I cheated on him with his best friend. I see how relieved he looks and it makes me angry only for a moment tho. He smiles Alaric you didn't cheat on him. He is dead. I know it's true, he is dead I can't be commited to someone who doesn't exist anymore but why does it feel so wrong so sinful. Touching someone who isn't him, hearing soemoen whisper my name it just feel so wrong, so weird it isn't right. I slowly escape his grip, slowly pulling away from his arms. He looks sadder than ever. Alaric it's okay this is okay. He says as he plants another kiss on my forhead and that's when I relive it all. All the kisses and long hugs, all the sweet words all those night trapped inside Alex's arms all those looks all our memories slowly coming back to me as I pull away. I shake my head. It's not Marcus. I can't. I say hoping his ears will hear me hoping he will understand but he doesn't. C'mon Alaric it's okay it's just a kiss. He says as he tries to kiss my lips again. I dodge him slowly fading away, closing my heart for good. I can't I am sorry. I say wiping the tears away. I point to his back. The scar on your back it's me all bacause of me. I hurted you. I wanted to kill you Marcus how can you even think of us being something? You should leave for your own good. I can see how the words break him into the reality. I see how he reaches behind, he feels it too, his blood on his fingers. He licks it, he licks the sweet blood off of his fingers giving me a smile You can hurt me all you want Al I am not leaving you. He said to me his voice benevolent. And for the first time I allowed him to use my nickname. For the first time I let him in completely. I scoot over to him still feeling wrong but I try to ignore it and I kiss him, I kiss every signle one of his scars, slowly leaving a trail for all the next one to follow. When I am done I kiss him one more time before distancing myself away from him. He doesn't try to hide his dissapointment. I love you Alaric, he says passionate. Words escaping from his lips. I freze for a moment, he can't love me. He doesn't even know me. You don't mean that. I say forcing my self to look away. How could you posibly love someone like me? I add asking more myself than him. I can't look at him it hurts too much. Alaric I love you. I listened him talk about you all day long and every single time I fell in love with you a little bit more. I loved you before we even met. And then I saw you standing there on his doorway and I couldn't believe my eyes. Ever since then you are the only thing on my mind that's why I promised Anya to take care of you. Beacuase I love you because I loved him. Before he died before he took his last breath he said to me Take care of her for me and I did I will for the rest of my life. I will be here as your lover, friend, neugbour or just stranger but I will be here. I force my self to look at him, seeking any lies but it's all true. I see tears shining in his eyes ready to spill for the third time today. I believe him, he does love me but why does he hurt me the way he does? If he love me how can he also hurt me intentionaly? Can he hurt me while loving me at the same time? He shouldn't love me and neither should I, I should hate him, hate him for being so sinful, even thinkign about another man's girl, his best friend girl. Why do you hurt me then? Why do you lie to me? Why are you hiding things from me? Cause if you would love me you would never hurt me the way you do. That's not love that's lust, you trying to fufil some bullshit promise just because you feel guilty. Love shouldn't hurt like this, love shouldn't be this complicated, this toxic. He shakes his head in dissaproval but just because of that reaction I know it's true. He opens his mouth trying to tell me the truth but the truth is just not something that will come out of his mouth so he shuts them. I am dissapointed I expected him to say soemthing, to say it isn't true, to correct me, defend himself but he doesn't he just stares at the wall his eyes dead. It's true he doesn't care, he doesn't love me, he just feels responsible for me. So this is it then? You are just going to be quiet? Really? I say my voice breaking. He looks at me and I know he wants to tell me everything but he can't he couldn't even if he wanted to. Alaric I can't. The last thing I want is to hurt you and as of right now it's better for you to not know everything. I hate myself for saying that shit you know. I hate myself for not being able to control my anger and words. I hate myself for hurting you I promised him I will protect you but somehow I don't know how to protect you from me. He says still looking deep into my eyes, it's like he can see right throu me, he sees throu the words and actions, throu feeling and all the masks I put on my face to disguise who I really am. He sees me for who I am but he doesn't love me, he never will and that's why I promise my self to never touch him that way, to never land my lips on his again, I promise myself to never love him, to never let him in fully. You can't protect me from the truth Marcus it's not fair. You hurt me by not telling me, you hurt me by ignoring my words, by avoiding my eyes while I try to talk, ask, understand. You hurt me by not letting me in, you hurt me by lying betraying my trust over and over again and that hurts far more than any truth. I think he understands. I hope he does cause it's true. He hurts me by lying to my face, of course he hurt me by calling me a slut and being the same as my father but I know he didn't mean it, it was his crushed ego, his anger, his greed, and grief it was not him speaking. But him lying that's all him thinking he can protect me from something I don't need to be protected from. I don't want to be protected like this, wraped in a thin layer of lies that's what my mother used to do all my childhood. Lying to me to protect me from finding my real father, to protect me from the big cruel world and she did, for whole 15 years he protected me from it but then she herself started hurting me as she ignored me, neglected my wishes, talents, interests. She kept me inside her little bubble not knwoin she is destryoing me her self so she had to let me go and she did. Only then I realized how cruel the world really is, but everyone needs to experience these kind of things you can't learn from stories and words, you need to be put in some situations to learn from them, to grow from them, to become someone. I did I became someone at least I though so little did I know I never really became anyone I stayed the same the only difference there was is that instead of my mother there was Alex protecting me from the world but like my mother I let him. I let him protect me, I let him put me in a bubble wrap, I let him and that's my fault. That's why it hurts even more now cause I lost that now I am here naked in front of the world who is out to get me. I was so weak I still am but I am trying, trying to be better and that takes seccrifaces. I look at myself some more. Liking the beauty that is hidden within me. The beauty that must stay hidden from the outside world. My eyes sparkle with joy at the thought of finaly being free from it all. I was foolish, thought I could save the world, make it a better place not knowing I will destroy everything left remaining. I step outside the sun catches my eyes and my skin reacts to warmth around me. He is still there. Now sitting on the couch on his phone again. I creep behind him reading the texts from his phone. Hey, we really need to talk. Says him. I almost feel guilty for spying on him then I remember everything, the fight and those hurtful words, the hospital... and just like that my guilt disappears. Then the other number responds Does she know? His fingertips are sliding through the keyboard typing his answer. He changes his mind a couple of times, but I don't budge till the moment I see words play on screen. I don't know. We all need to talk for fuck's sake. He has been threatening me again I swear I'll kill him next time. My patience ain't all that big. I bling rapidly. My body stiffens and my breath freezes. I stand completely still waiting for the number to respond. Alright calm down mister big and scary. Remember your last attempt. Ye I thought so. Don't worry tho he won't do anything to you. I try to process the words coming through his phone. Someone is threatening him again. Why? What do they want from him cause as much as I know he ain't rich or smart. I can see how his anger is slowly boiling up, ready to erupt. I won't stop it, the conversation that is clearly not meant to be seen by anyone other than Marcus. His breathing starts getting shorter his hands shaking. Oh and how would you know that?! You aren't the one who is stuck here with her. And at that exact moment I knew it was about me, it was all about me and you. About our story, story of our love, story of your death and Marcus is somehow mixed in it. Reading into it I still can't understand completely what are they talking about. The story is missing context there are holes in it. He is clearly hiding something and I am ready to find out. Find out all his little dirty secret he keeps hidden behind those lips those dark eyes. So I don't move I don't even flinch, my eyes focused on the screen of his phone. Oh please like you ain't enjoying it. I've seen the girl and she is a bomb, well if you ignore all those nasty scars like jeez. Anyways I promise you he won't break our agreement plus as long as you are on a good terms with her you won't have any problems not with him nor with anyone else. That bitch is protected better than I though. So keep your hands clean you understand we don't want any attention on us. That's when he breaks. I see how his fingers curl in fists I can feel vibration of his muscular body through couch. He is angry, angrier than I ever saw him I wish I could see his face right now maybe then I would understand what is going on why is he hiding it all from me. He doesn't type anything back he just stares at his phone vibrating in anger. Minutes fly by and he is still just staring at the text then there appears another one. Also could you get her out of the apartment take her on a date or smth like that maybe she will even let you hit. He is basically shaking now and I can't blame him. How dare they offer me as a body, as an item. Maybe I will even let him hit. What do you mean? I ain't that easy. I just lost the love of my life and they think I will just move on like it isn't big of a deal. I hate it, how people acts so ruthless, like they don't have a heart, soul and brain. But words hurt and these aren't any different I still care I ain't like my father. I have a soul and that soul it's broken. No matter what I try to do to fix it make it right, make it stop hurting as much I fail every single time. I won't give up no. I will find out why you died, I will find out who is threatening Marcus I will expose my father and I will feel better. I will be better. He types short I ain't doing shit for you. I hold my breath scared of the reaction even thou it doesn't necessarily apply to me. Oh please don't tell me you are offended now. She really is good. Twisting you around her little finger when it should be the other way around. She probably takes it after her father. Listen here I have the power in this situation remember, don't be stupid alright. Could cost you a thing or two if you know what I mean. And with that he throws the phone so it hits the wall and shatter in a million pieces. There is a silent cry of anger that escapes his mouth and the sound is heartbreaking. I am shocked and for a moment I don't know what to do. My legs won't move and my mind won't listen. I take it after my father really? I am nothing like him. I care for people I help people I am trust worthy and never in my life would I do something to hurt someone intentionally. I am nothing like him and I never want to hear those words again. I... I don't even know what else to say how absurd. I swear when I find out who is behind this number they're dead, not just to me but dead. I hear him shuffling on the couch he will get up and see me at any moment. I have to do something. So I do what every intelligent person would do I slowly back up all the way to the kitchen. I wait for a moment then I stumble into the living room acting all scared cause of the mysterious loud noise. Maybe those acting classes won't go to waste. What the hell was that? I ask confused. He turns to me looking guilty as ever but I play along. His face is pale eyes angry. I try to look as surprised as I can. I step to the crushed phone and lift it. What happened to your phone? I ask innocently, smiling clueless. His eyes softened, body relaxed. Just an accident. I am sorry for scaring you darling. Won't happen again I promise. He says voice husky, little smile in the corner of his mouth. I smile and to my surprise this one ain't fake. He just got threatened again and he is apologizing to me for smashing his own phone. It's nice of him I will give him that but still far away from what will it take for me to forgive him. Do not get attached it's what I keep repeating over and over in my head while I am staring at his deep eyes. I need to get out of here. I can't stand him really. How can he be so charming. I should hate him really. I should hate him so I will try my best to do so. Hate him even thou it's hard when he gives me no reason too so I guess I will just have to pretend. I mean I have been pretending all my life, when I was a child I used to pretend that Sofia was my real mother and that my father was somewhere out there waiting for me, searching me, loving me. Stupid I know still don't believe me I pretend till this day that you never died I pretend that Alex is still out there, hiding waiting for the perfect moment to come and rescue me from this darkness So it shouldn't be hard to pretend I hate Marcus right? Smile fades from my lips and I give him a cold look. He looks confused but I don't blame him I would be too I am. I don't like him I hate him I just miss Alex that's why I feel this way right? It's totally normal to fantasize about him when he is almost identical to him. You maybe wanna go shopping tomorrow. Not that I am trying to buy your forgiveness but I need a new phone and I thought you said something about books? He says and I would say yes, I would if I didn't know what was going to happen the moment I left this place on it's own. Just the thought of it makes me crazy. I stand there watching him with disgust in my eyes. He will really betray me again. Damn. He is trying to get me out of our apartment so they can what? Steal everything of you that is left? Destroy our memories Shred everything that is left to fucking pieces. To do what? For what reason? To hurt me? I don't think so. How could he? Lie to me all this time and he is still lying I can't believe him. I try to contain my anger, try to hide it away from the human sight while it's burning inside of me. Ripping me from inside out. I will literally kill anyone who even try to touch his stuff, destroy anything that belonged to him. No I'm good. I say my voice cold, sharp not allowing him to banter. He looks disappointed. So I give him one more chance, just one more to make things right, to clear things up. To finaly end this discussion. I don't want to be his enemy, I don't want to be just a stranger to him but I will do whatever it takes to protect those memories, I will do anything to keep everything the way it was before even if I have to kill myself over it. Don't you have something to tell me? I say warningly. His face drops and I can see how he is thinking of even more lies. Lies to cover up the story I want to know so badly, the story of your death. He doesn't come up with an answer, he is just quiet stuck somewhere far away from here. I hate it that same goddamn silence that follows me everywhere I go that same silence that isn't silence at all. There are voices and thoughts trapped in it banging and screaming trying to break free. I wait a couple of minutes, just a couple to decide whether I want to murder him right now or shall I wait till tomorrow when I get company. Nothing? I say disappointed. He shakes his head. It's not that easy Al. That goddamn nickname. Nickname that was mine and your, nickname that was our, he has no right using it, saying it out loud it's like a foreign word for me. How is he so selfish? So blind to the pain that single word is causing me? I am mad at him for being so ruthless for being so arrogant and selfish. Mad for bringing up my past over and over again slowly killing me from inside out. I walk to him with one hand I grab his big hoodie other palm folds into a fist ready to smash his face till there are only pieces left. I told you not to call me that. I say through clenched teeth. My voice comes out like a hiss, maybe even a growl. He doesn't flinch I know he ain't afraid of me. I am weak my body is three times smaller than his. He doesn't smile he just slowly touch my arms, looking at me with his gloomy eyes. I'm sorry. He says his voice low intimidating. He isn't I know he isn't. Cause if he would have been sorry he wouldn't lie, he wouldn't hurt me the way he do. He is just trying to make me feel bad, manipulate me with those puppy eyes that don't work anymore. I am not even angry at him anymore just disappointed in him, in me. How could have I mistaken him for a good guy? For someone that cares? How could I misread him so damn badly. How could I be so blind? I sigh and let him go. He stumbles backwards and lends on the couch. You ain't worth it. I say disappointed. I pick up his phone at least what is left of it. I feel his gaze on my back as I walk away, it kills me just a bit more. I lock myself in your room trying to remember the number he was texting with. What was it. 030 something. I don't know I wasn't focused. Fuck. I am angry, angry at Marcus and his secrets, angry at me for not remembering so important number, angry at you cause you just left me here, left me alone to figure it all out. How could you. How could you just leave me? Theres got to be a reason and better hope it's a good one. I need to fix this phone. I need to know who was he texting with also I need to get rid of him. I need him to leave this place, I need him ti disappear. I want him to go and never come back. Where is his family? Friends? Girlfriend, lover something. He has to have someone right? I pull out my phone from my back pocket and start googling. Alright Marcus shit I don't even know his last name. How will I find that out. I can't just ask him he will get all suspicious, plus I ain't speaking to him till he tells me everything. Then an idea strike me. Of course. He lives one floor above me and on all of the doors there are last names of owners. Okay but how do I sneak out without spiking his attention. I wait till I hear him going to the bathroom and then I run to the front door. I unlock it my fingers slippery. I don't have time for shoes, barefoot I run up the stairs and stop at what I think is his door. Okay. So Marcus Collins. His last name is Collins. I write it down real quick and before I know it I' m running down the stairs again. I creep into the apartment and just when I think I made it unnoticed there he is. Leaning on the wall of the bathroom smiling at me mischievous. Ah shit. Just when I am about to explain it all to him my phone rings. Without looking at him I answer the phone only to hear a familiar voice on the other line. Alita! I missed you angel. You didn't text back and I know we ain't on the best terms but I was so damn worried about you I couldn't sleep, every night before sleep I thought about you alone out there. So I figured why not just call right? I gasp so hard that I almost choke on air. His voice brings tear into my eyes, tears of joy. It's Mateo. My little Mateo. The one and only Teo. Teo! I missed you too. I am so sorry. That's all that I can get out before my eyes start to dwell. Tears fill up my eyes and my throat starts to close up. He must have heard me crying so he says Hey, hey, hey Alita. Don't cry mi amor. Please don't shed tears over something you don't have influence on. His voice is so calming, like an old friend greeting me back home. I missed this. Missed him not in that boyfriend, girlfriend type of thing but as a friend. Ever since we broke up he was my best friend my partner in crime till the day I met Alex and forgot about him. I feel horrible. Teo I am so sorry mi amor. I should've called you, texted you at least. It's just that ever since he is gone I've been so off, so different, trapped. Days went past so fast and I got so lost in my head I forgot about everything. Words spill from my tongue like it's the easiest thing ever. I am so caught up in the moment I don't even see Marucs and the way he is staring at me full of greed and anger. When I finaly float back into the reality I think I will collapse, drift into the floor beneath me and die. I miss my life so bad. Life where I actually lived. I stare at Marcus as he coldly watch me collapse onto the wooden floor. I am kneeling now and the pain is only getting stronger. I am trapped in my head, I can see it. All the memories surrounding me, ready to drown me. I can see Alex holding my hand, hugging me over my shoulder and then picking me up, carrying me around like I am just a feather. I remember running down that hill, dressed in my black dress that floated with the wind. I am running faster and faster and just when I am about to crash there is Matteo to stop me. He picks me up so I fly around like a fairy. I see Layla and Ayesha laying on the grass while you and Matteo wrestle. I see me sitting there with a flower in my hair by my side there is Tyne and Anya giggling about some school drama. I remember the feeling of being happy, being so full of joy and satisfaction, feeling that everything will be alright. Now I realize that it wasn't just you who made me, me, it was all of them, it was me, my family, my friends they created me and that me was the best version of me and I miss her. I miss that girl. I will stop you right there chica. You do not own me a single apology alright. You've been dealing with some deep shit and I am proud of you for coming this far okay. I mean I would've lost my shit by now if I was in your position so don't be so harsh on yourself angel. Okay? The words pull me out of thoughts and I am so damn grateful for them. For him. I am still kneeling with phone in my hand and Marcus is still standing there, not moving, not breathing, he is just there but not really. Mentally he is on another planet I know it I see it in his eyes. He is reliving the moments the memories as well. I leave him to it while I answer Matteo's sweet words. I missed you so damn much Matteo. I can't explain to you how grateful I am for you and your words. You mean a lot to me. I say and I mean it. I feel guilty for forgetting all about my life. I feel horrible for cutting all my friend and family off. I fell sad about missing out on so much that has happened since I was mentally unavailable. Thank you chica now stop sobbing alright. We have a whole lot to talk about but not on the phone. I will come visit you I promise as soon as I can what is the last time I checked tomorrow so you better be ready cause I am coming for you and your sadness. He says sparkling with joy. His voice is so happy and uplifting it's refreshing. I can't help but chuckle and smile with joy. Thank you Teo. I love you. My voice is so soft, so gentle it surprising me to be honest. I forgot how I sound when I am happy. I like it. Love you to Alita. See you tomorrow. Take care of yourself for me alright. And with that the call ends. It's bittersweet, all these goodbyes never knowing which one is the last. When will I take my last breath, when will I say my last I love you it's so scary knowing how fast life is changing. I kept holding on to the people and situation not realizing there are new ones waiting for me out there. I was holding on to Alex, he was someone who I promised to keep around for eternity yet I failed, but that's life things change but one thing that doesn't are my feelings for him. He will always be my number one and a piece of my heart will always belong to him no matter what. With that I return to our apartment, our little home. I take it all in when my eyes land on Marcus still frowning at me. My smile fades as I see how hurt he is. Our eyes lock we just stare at each other, soaking in the emotions around us. I don't own him an apology neither explanation but seeing him hurt hurts me for some reason. Who was it? He says trying to act calm. His voice is dead, his eyes almost closed, fist clenched. I don't stand up I just stare and I don't see. I don't see his emotions at least I pretend not too. I pretend to not see his cuts and hidden scars behind those tattoos, I pretend to not see the tears in his eyes slowly forcing their way out, I pretend to not see his whole body vibrating with sadness and grief. Old friend. I say sounding cold as I can be. Old friend? Last time I checked friends don't speak like that to each other. He says now sounding disgusted. I open my mouth to say something but instead I stay quiet. I don't own him anything, he can think what he wants to think I don't give a fuck. Why should I explain to him that Teo is my ex and he has an amazing girlfriend who I always adored, why should I explain to him how I feel about him and what is my history with my so called friend? I don't need to, there is no reason for me too, so I stay quiet. He just stares at me his eyes twitching. He is your lover isn't he? Really Alaric how can you replace him that fast? All this acting bullshit that you miss him for what?! You never even loved him! How can you do this to him?! You probably cheated on him too didn't you. Slut! He is spitting words in my face and I can't take them. They hurt, they rip me apart, cutting my veins so the blood covers my arms. Hurtful words that get stuck in my head on replay destroying me over and over again. I would stand up and twist his neck watching as life fades out of him I would tore him apart with my bare hands watching as he screams in agony I would kill him but I can't not yet and not like this. I try to stay calm ignore him I pretend not to hear the disrespect, the lies he is telling me the lies he actually believe. I don't care what he thinks his words are meaningless he is just trying to hurt me. By reacting I lose but by staying quiet I die just a little bit more inside. My heart aching shaking inside of me begging for it to stop but I don't stop him I listen to every single word letting it sink deep into my soul, trapping it in the back of my mind. He is still watching me rage in his eyes I see him slowly getting closer to me to the point he is towering over my crumpled body. I have seen this scenario play in my head over and over again waiting for the moment I will get to relive it again. I wished for another chance, to react different and now, now I got it. I try to remain calm while I am searching for escape. My eyes are moving fast from the right corner of the bathroom to his hands shaking but not moving towards me. I don't cry and I don't whine I just freeze. I watch him open his mouth and everything starts playing in slow-motion. The words they come out fluidly like a worm trying to break through the skin. You are just like your father! The word they stab me again and again making holes in my throbbing heart and I watch as the blood covers my eyes. I feel the warm fuzzy feeling taking over my body covering every inch of my skin. The love that I have for him is truly only skin deep I hate him. I feel as if I don't exist, as if I am someone else watching conversation play out in third person. I scream but the me there doesn't see me, she doesn't hear me but I see her and feel her. I feel how scared she was and I feel how torn apart they made her feel. I feel it all and I hate every single second of it. I can't allow it not again. So I break the glass I reach my hand out there waving for her, reach out to me I scream but she doesn't budge. She doesn't even move she is numb, broken. Anger, rage I feel madness taking over me, eating every single doubt out of my mind. Then everything happens so fast I stand up and before I know it my fists are hitting his jaw making him scream in pain. I see how I push him over so his body falls on to the hard wooden floor with a loud bang, but that doesn't stop me neither. I can see it clearly my little hands hitting his handsome face till I make him bleed, blood dripping from his nose. I am nothing like him! I am nothing like him! I am nothing like him! I scream while hitting him over and over again. I see myself and how I get up run to the kitchen and then I come back holding a sharp knife in my left hand. I see myself and I scream at the girl. Don't do it. Don't do it! I see her how she kneels down to him closing up the distance between the knife and his throat. Don't be like him! I scream at the top of my lungs and that's when I wake up. I open my eyes, I am still kneeling on the floor and Marcus is still standing there spitting those words as if they were nothing, as if they meant nothing. I stand up, my legs shaking and eyes twitching. I am now facing him our faces so close I could kiss him but that's far from my intentions. I press the knife against his back letting him feel the sharpness of it. I see how fast his face changes. Fear drowning his anger slowly letting him suffocate. I press it harder just a little bit, just enough to leave a mark. I see his face grimace in pain. I wait for the moment he break, and he does as I press harder. Alaric stop! He screams in agony. I smile coldly my laugh filling up the air. Then I get serious my lips pressed in a thin line my eyes clear as day. I imagined the moment I kill him for good. I imagined the moment I stab him in his back and make him regret all the troubles and traumas he has put me through. Apologize. I say in a single breath not allowing my or his emotions get in a way. He kneels and says with tears in his eyes I am sorry for all those words I didn't mean any of that. I was just angry at you, I thought you cheated on Alex it made me so angry thinking you would do that to him, hurt him like that. Please Alaric I didn't mean it like that. Please it's not that serious. You wouldn't kill me right? C'mon Alaric I said I was sorry. I shush him as I put the knife to his throat. Shut up. He doesn't budge, he doesn't even flinch, he just looks betrayed. Really Alaric? After all that you're going to kill me? Me? His best friend? Your friend who saved you? The one that literally carried you to the hospital, the one who found you almost dead?! Wow I really misjudged you. It stings just for a moment. Just for a moment I regret the words and actions, just for a moment I want to rewind everything back to the way it used to be. I mean look at me I am threatening to kill someone for what reason? Calling me a slut? No it's far more deeper than this and we both know it I just can't admit it but he knows I know he does. What are you waiting for? Kill me! Stab me! C'mon my life couldn't get any worse than this stab me! You think I have someone out there waiting for me?! No I am fucking alone! Nobody is going to miss me! So fucking kill me already! I press the knife against his throat leaving a small mark just enough so the blood start dripping from fresh cut. I am nothing like him you understand! I never was and I never will be and the next time you even mention him I will push this knife so deep inside of you they won't be able to get it out! Fuck you Marcus. Fuck you for thinking I would ever cheat on him. What the fuck is wrong with you?! I see the madness on his face many thoughts and lies hidden within deep crocked smile. I won't kill him other wise I will never find out about Alex's death. I am not like him and I never fucking will be. I press the knife harder and the tears spill from his eyes mouth shivering. Please Alaric don't do this. Please. He begs with shaking voice almost out of air. With tears in my eyes I put down the knife You ain't worth it. I say as I stand there looking disappointed. He is choking on air while I pick up the knife and walk to the kitchen. The moment I escape his eyes I collapse to the floor bawling my eyes out. I almost killed him. I almost killed a man. I take some deep breaths trying to calm down but it isn't long when I hear his footsteps approaching. He doesn't come into the kitchen I hear his body hit the couch and I peek over the corner. There he is laying thinking of nothing. I replay the words over and over again. You are just like your father. I am just like my father and maybe it's true. I mean I tried to kill him for saying the truth isn't that the definition of my father. It was deeper and it hurts it does I want to apologize but I show weakness that way so instead I boil some water and make some tea for both of us. I carry the knife inside of my pocket always from now on, you can never be to careful, especially with him alone. I slowly walk to him handing him the cup of hot tea. He doesn't look at me, he can't, his eyes are to hurt to see me. I sit next to him sipping the tea from my cup thinking nothing of it. Why didn't you do it? He asks wretched. I don't know is what I would say even tho I know why I did it, but the answer isn't pretty it's far from that. I will be real with him I don't own him anything but I won't lie. Cause I am not like my father. Cause I actually care for people and because I know you could be helpful in the future. I am not like him Marcus and I never will be. He is sorry I know he is but that's not enough. I am sorry too for holding knife to his throat for betraying him and I pay the price for it I lost someone who had my back and that I can't undo. I lost the trust of a person that trusted me when nobody else did I lost the trust of a person that was here when everybody else just got up and left. I see the affect words have on him but I know that actions speak louder and my action screamed at him I can't fix them can't rewind the time and react different so now I have to cope with consequences. Sorry for saying that. I just you know I miss him too and you have been acting like you are the only one that lost him it got on my nerves. I don't like seeing you hurt Alaric but I am fucked up too you know and it's hard to maintain everything while pretending to be okay and support you. He mumbles sounding sincere. I feel wrong for so many reasons I can't even explain. I feel sorry and dirty and that makes me different from my father I will stay here with Marcus hold him as he pour out his soul and I will soak up his sadness making him feel better making him feel loved and he, he never stayed. I scoot over to him taking his head in my hands wiping the sad tears away from his cheeks. I know I am sorry. I shouldn't do that but words hurt you know they do and I tried to push them aside I tried to ignore them but I failed. You don't realize how long I have waited for the opportunity to react different and I failed again. I am so sorry Marcus I wanted to kill you but in reality I saw my father standing there not you. I wanted to kill him but when I realized it was you it was already too late. I don't know why am I apologizing to him I don't need to but it just feels so right so natural being here embraced by his arms him snuggling into my chest, making me feel whole again. It's like we are connecting and healing each other on a deeper level neither of us can see it yet. I feel his heart beating against my and I feel his lips brushing my neck as he hugs me tighter. I know it isn't right but it feels so good. His head shoots up as if he can read my mind. He just stares at me with those never ending dark eyes and big eyelashes. I could look at them all day and I would never get bored it's like there are forest trapped in it I can see the wind blowing the leaves in a beautiful spiral. He looks at my lips and so do I. His dry thin lips as he licks them leaving his salvia on them. Before I know it his lips meet mine I can feel his tongue in my mouth searching for something like it must be found right now. I don't hesitate I kiss him back crashing into him as a slight groan escapes his lips. We shouldn't do this I know we shouldn't but it feels so right. Our lips strangled together arms around each others body. Both moving in harmony. He escapes my embrace just to take of his white tank top over, throwing it on the floor thinking nothing of it. Before I know it we are laying down on the hard leather, his body on top of mine as we kiss each other passionate. He is all over me his hands cupping one of my breasts as I groan in satisfaction. I grab his back trailing my fingers over it leaving small lines for him to follow. I touch him, his muscles, his bare skin against my small palms and then I feel it. Warm fluid on top of my fingertips. I look at them, my palms covered in his blood. My body freezes. My mind goes blank and he realizes it so he stops his hands now on my face cupping me from both sides. He looks at me broken as my eyes dwell. He kisses me, drinking the tears away but I can't help but cry and so we cry together still caught up in each other arms. His muscular body still on top of me. Don't cry darling, please don't cry. He says as he kisses me again and again. His lips brushing against my skin. I try to kiss him back I try to love him the way he does but I can't. My lips are dry and body stiff. I can't do it. He knows it, he understands it I know he does. He slowly gets off of me. I sit up pulling my knees to my cheeks hiding away from world. I feel terrible. I am so sorry Marcus. I manage to say before I cry out loud. His face is just a canvas full of sadness but he doesn't hesitate as he pulls me into his arms as he wrapping them around my shaking body. It's alright love. Everything is alright. I shake my head refusing to believe his words, refusing to believe this is right, refusing to feel it. Feel the safety that comes with being trapped inside of him, refusing to feel the love he gives me. It's sinful I am a sinner I am just like my father. I am just like him. You were right. I mumble into his bare chest my lips brushing his skin so it sends shivers down his spine I know it. I just do. He lifts my head just enough for our eyes to meet. You are nothing like him alright. I hate my self for saying it okay. I don't believe him, he called me a slut for saying I love you to my best friend but now we are here kissing on our couch the same couch where me and Alex made love many nights. I feel dirty I feel Alex's hands on me his lips on mine, his hips colliding with mine, I feel his warm breath on my neck and I see him. I see him standing there angry, broken his eyes wet with bitter tears. I open my mouth but he disappears leaving me alone with him. I cheated on him. I confess tearing my eyes away from his beautiful face. For a moment I see his confusion. I though you said you and Matteo were just friends? he asks his voice gentle against my ears. No, not with Teo with you. I say whispering. I cheated on him with his best friend. I see how relieved he looks and it makes me angry only for a moment tho. He smiles Alaric you didn't cheat on him. He is dead. I know it's true, he is dead I can't be committed to someone who doesn't exist anymore but why does it feel so wrong so sinful. Touching someone who isn't him, hearing someone whisper my name it just feel so wrong, so weird it isn't right. I slowly escape his grip, slowly pulling away from his arms. He looks sadder than ever. Alaric it's okay this is okay. He says as he plants another kiss on my forehead and that's when I relive it all. All the kisses and long hugs, all the sweet words all those night trapped inside Alex's arms all those looks all our memories slowly coming back to me as I pull away. I shake my head. It's not Marcus. I can't. I say hoping his ears will hear me hoping he will understand but he doesn't. C'mon Alaric it's okay it's just a kiss. He says sounding greedy as he tries to kiss my lips again his hands aching for my bare skin. I dodge him slowly fading away, closing my heart, protecting it from the damage that he would almost certainly make. I can't I am sorry. I say wiping the tears away. I point to his back. The scar on your back it's me all because of me. I hurt you. I wanted to kill you Marcus how can you even think of us being something? You should leave for your own good. I can see how the words bring him into the reality. I see how he reaches behind, he feels it too, his blood on his fingers. He licks it, he licks the sweet blood off of his fingers giving me a smile You can hurt me all you want Al I am not leaving you. He chuckles his voice benevolent. And for the first time I allowed him to use my nickname. For the first time I let him in completely. I scoot over to him still feeling wrong but I try to ignore it and I kiss him, I kiss every single one of his scars, slowly leaving a trail for all the next one to follow. I kiss his tattoos al the little spots others don't see. I kiss his back every single cut, every single scar I touch gently with my lips leaving small marks. When I am done I kiss him one more time before distancing myself away from him. He doesn't try to hide his disappointment. I love you Alaric, he confess passionate almost desperate. Words escaping from his lips, trying to keep me here in the moment, preventing me from leaving. He doesn't love me he is just greedy, trying to touch me kiss me unfold the layers of my clothes till we are naked in front of each other. He wants one thing and nothing more I see it, see it in his eyes and it disgusts me. How could he possibly love me he doesn't even know me. Would he love me if he knew me? If he knew how I get? Depressed and unmotivated? Would he help me when I couldn't even get out of bed? Would he support my dream to become an artist like Alex did? Would he love me then? When my anger and issues becomes too much to bare? Would he stay like Alex did? Would he love me then? You don't mean that. I say forcing my self to look away. How could you possibly love someone like me? I add asking more myself than him. I can't look at him it hurts too much. Every stolen glance I can't take back, every word I wish to recall there they are floating around him like butterfly's making me go crazy. Alaric I love you. I listened to him talk about you all day long and every single time I fell in love with you a little bit more. I loved you before we even met. And then I saw you standing there on his doorway and I couldn't believe my eyes. Ever since then you are the only thing on my mind that's why I promised Anya to take care of you. Because I love you because I loved him. He knew something was going on and every time we would talk about it he said If I die take care of her for me and I did I will for the rest of my life. I will be here as your lover, friend, neighbor or just stranger but I will be here. He insist. I force my self to look at him, seeking any lies but it's all true. I see tears shining in his eyes ready to spill for the third time today. I believe him, he does love me but why does he hurt me the way he does? If he loves me how can he also hurt me intentionally? Can he hurt me while loving me at the same time? He shouldn't love me and neither should I, I should hate him, hate him for being so sinful, even thinking about another man's girl, his best friend girl. He doesn't love me I am just a promise, just a responsibility Why do you hurt me then? Why do you lie to me? Why are you hiding things from me? Cause if you would love me you would never hurt me the way you do. That's not love that's lust, you trying to fulfill some bullshit promise just because you feel guilty. Love shouldn't hurt like this, love shouldn't be this complicated, this toxic. He shakes his head in disapproval but just because of that reaction I know it's true. He opens his mouth trying to tell me the truth but the truth is just not something that will come out of his mouth so he shuts them. I am disappointed I expected him to say something, to say it isn't true, to correct me, defend himself but he doesn't he just stares at the wall his eyes dead. It's true he doesn't care, he doesn't love me, he just feels responsible for me. I am truly just a promise. So this is it then? You are just going to be quiet? Really? I say my voice breaking. He looks at me and I know he wants to tell me everything but he can't he couldn't even if he wanted to. Alaric I can't. The last thing I want is to hurt you and as of right now it's better for you to not know everything. I hate myself for saying that shit you know. I hate myself for not being able to control my anger and words. I hate myself for hurting you I promised him I will protect you but somehow I don't know how to protect you from me. He whispers still looking deep into my eyes, it's like he can see right through me, he sees through the words and actions, through that fake smile and all the masks I put on my face to disguise who I really am. He sees me for who I am but he doesn't love me, he never will and that's why I promise my self to never touch him that way, to never land my lips on his again, I promise myself to never love him, to never let him in fully. Never again. You can't protect me from the truth Marcus it's not fair. You hurt me by hiding those things, you hurt me by ignoring my words, by avoiding my eyes while I try to talk, ask, understand. While I try being heard by you but you won't even listen. You hurt me by not letting me in, you hurt me by lying betraying my trust over and over again and that hurts far more than any truth ever could. I think he understands. I hope he does cause it's true. He hurts me by lying to my face, of course he hurts me by calling me a slut and being the same as my father but I know he didn't mean it, it was his crushed ego, his anger, his greed, and grief it was not him speaking. But him lying that's all him thinking he can protect me from something I don't need to be protected from. I don't want to be protected like this, wrapped in a thin layer of lies that's what my mother used to do all my childhood. Lying to me to protect me from finding my real father, to protect me from big cruel world and she did, for whole 15 years she protected me from it but then she herself started hurting me as she ignored me, neglected my wishes, talents, interests. She kept me inside her little bubble not knowing she is destroying me her self so she had to let me go and she did. Only then I realized how cruel the world really is, but everyone needs to experience these kind of things you can't learn from stories and words, you need to be put in some situations to learn from them, to grow from them, to become someone. I did I became someone at least I though so little did I know I never really became anyone I stayed the same the only difference there was is that instead of my mother there was Alex protecting me from the world but the difference is I let him. I let him protect me, I let him put me in a bubble wrap, I let him and that's my fault. That's why it hurts even more cause I lost that now I am here naked in front of the world who is out to get me. I was so weak I still am but I am trying, trying to be better and that takes sacrifice. One of them is this, Marcus. Maybe he is just as scared as me I don't know him unlike he, he knows me pretty well and that is someone's best advantage knowing someone on a deeper level. You can use it against them anytime you want is their secret weapon that's why I always listen and never talk I am scared of being used, scared of being betrayed, never have I had anyone that would prove me wrong. There was Alex but even he left, not by his choice I hope but he did and I miss him. Miss his touch and words, lips and long hugs and that's why experiencing these things with someone else feels so wrong. He will never again hug me, kiss me or hold me. He will never again step a foot on his skateboard, he will never again ride his blue motorcycle, he will never again love someone or apologize or do anything at all. He will never celebrate another birthday and in only a few years I will be older than he ever got to be and the fact he will forever be this young it's haunting. I miss him I miss everything about him there is no thing I don't miss actually. Even when we fought he always confronted me after, kissed me on the forehead telling me it's alright but it's not it never really was. Alaric I can't. Please understand me. he pleads but I don't understand him and I hope I never will. His words mean nothing to me, they have zero affect on me. I couldn't either, I couldn't survive his death yet here I am, I couldn't live on yet here I am, I couldn't stand up to my father yet I did and I am still here trying. Can't is just a word, excuse. Who is telling you how to live your life? No one, fucking no one. You are the creator of your path and everything that happens to you has happened to you for some reason and sometimes you never get to know that reason. He is weak I think to my self. So weak not even trying to stand up for him self he said he doesn't have anything to lose why listen to people threatening you then? So what if you die you will at least have an epis death knowing you tried. Imagine dying knowing you didn't even try to change the situation. Imagine dying knowing your life was all the same cause you were to scared to fucking do anything. Imagine just giving up without even putting on a fight. I was there once but hell I got out of that hole and when I did I realized it was me who pushed me in it in the first place. I was digging my own grave by relying on people by trusting them too easily by expecting too much from them. I killed my self me slowly but surely and this stops today. I look at him. He is just a man. He is just another person to scared to live, yet he has a story, story I will never get to read, story I will never get to find out, examine it. It's better that way. We are better of as strangers. I know it and so does he. I don't Marcus no matter how hard I try to understand you I just don't okay. How could I ? I don't know shit about you and maybe it's best that way. I finally say tired of it all. He tries to say something, make up some stupid excuse how he is the victim here, how I am so selfish and cruel for thinking only about me but that's how it is. I only think about me cause when I tried thinking about everyone else I ended up almost killing my self. I ended up sinking so far down the ocean I didn't think I would see the light of the day again. I grew up in a household where if you wanted something you had to get it yourself no mercy no emotions. Nobody cared so I had to put my self first or else I would drown. I am going to sleep, stay or go I don't care. I sighed while getting up from couch ready to walk in our bedroom. He gets up blocking my way with his muscular body. I look at him pissed. I remember my knife in the back of my jeans and I am ready to pull it out if needed. I am ready to kill I have nothing to lose, what is the worst thing that could happen? They catch me and put me in jail. I could escape I know I could but jail is just a room with four walls and a door. Nothing different from my apartment. There is one prison I can't escape from and that prison is my mind. I am trapped in it like a prisoner trying to escape her greedy hands but I always fail. I am looking at him while trapped in my mind. I can't fight I don't have the energy. Marcus please just move. I yawn. He smirks at me. You tired of being angry at me? He jokes. I don't even look at him anymore I am standing there eyes closed slowly fading away from this conversation, Should I carry you to bed princes? He says his voice so gentle against my skin sending shivers down my back. I can't even mutter another word I just shake my head as in no, but as always he doesn't listen. He smiles while looking at me there half asleep. Okay I will lift you now then I am going to carry you to the bedroom nothing else I promise. I don't mean to be disrespectful okay I am just doing my job. He whispers in my ear while slowly lifting me off the ground. My arms clench around his neck and before I know it everything turns dark. I feel asleep in his arm I know it. I wake up in my bed tho full clothed and covered with my favorite grey blanket. I remember holding on to him but nothing more. I slowly get out of bed when a bad headache rolls over me. Great just great. I stumble into the bathroom. I look at my self disappointed in seeing no progress at all. I brush my teeth still half asleep and when I am done I take a selfie. I don't even know why I just know I look absolutely horrible. I hate it. I hate my face and all the bruises on it, I hate my blue eyes that are just grey under them big circles because I lack of sleep. I hate my lips that are way to thin and all bloody cause I bite them when I am angry and nervous. I hate my hair how it's all damaged and long but not long enough to do something interesting with them. I hate my neck because there are so many handprints still visible on it. I hate my arms full of lines that I draw when it all gets too much. I hate my body how is flat but not really how I don't have a butt neither boobs. I hate my legs how hairy they are but I don't shave them cause I just don't have the energy for it. I hate my nails because they never grow long I bite them all the time. I hate my heart for choosing the wrong people to love I hate my mind for trusting wrong people I hate me as whole. I hate me but you loved me. What did you see in me? You never told me I mean of course you said I was beautiful and that you love me and all that shit but why? Why did you love me? I don't have the body I don't have the personality why the hell did you love me? Me out of all the perfect girls you could've dated? Why did you talk to me on that gas station the night after I ran away? Why did you choose to help me to pull me up when I had nothing to offer you? Why did you love me? Why didn't you love someone else so I could suffer alone knowing I never got to meet you to love you so I couldn't miss you this much. Why did you love me? The question gets stuck in my head and I need an answer and I need it now so I do the only reasonable thing I ask Marcus. I check the sofa but he isn't there I check the kitchen just in case he was cooking something but he isn't here either. Is he home? Did he really leave me alone for the first time? I put on a fresh hoodie and some leggings throwing my hair in a messy bun. I take a knife and phone with me just in case. I lock the doors behind me as I leave the apartment. I slowly walk up stair after stair and there I am standing in front of his door like some stalker. I just stare at it. Do I want to open this door? What's behind it? I knock and before I get the chance to run away the doors swings open. There he is in his grey shorts and a white tank top looking fine as ever. He is leaning on a doorframe smirking at me arrogant. Well look who it is. He laughs sarcastically. Haha very funny. I need to talk to you. Please. I beg. He will let me in I know he will he is just playing hard to get as always. Didn't you say I should stay away from you how my love is just some bullshit promise? He smirks. I hate him, how he uses sarcasm so damn perfectly. I ain't falling for it tho. I don't have all day. Matteo is visiting me later so will you please just let me in so we can talk? I insist trying not to break eye contact with him. I can see how he changes his stance narrowing his eyes a little bit. Matteo you say? I roll my eyes at his stupid question. Yes Marcus, Matteo is coming to visit me so what? He is just a friend coming to see if I am doing okay. I explain to him. He just scoffs and rolls his eyes. He looks good while doing it too but that's not the point. Ye sure. First he will kiss you to make you feel better than he will get his hands on your panties but just in a friendly way and before you notice he will be in your pants trying to make you forget all about your sadness. I gasp at the audacity. You think he would fuck his ex? His best friend? I manage to ask. He just nods like it's the most obvious thing ever. Really you think I am that easy? I ask hurt by his words. Do I really look like some slut who will do anything for male attention right after my soulmate has died? Really Marcus? My eyes are on the edge of crying and I think he can see it. His gaze softens as he holds me cupping my face wiping the tears streaming down my cheeks. No, no, no of course not Al. That's not what I meant at all. He protested while slowly leading me into his apartment. But you said I was-s-s a s-slut and that I would s-sleep with Matteo. I cried out. Hey, hey don't cry please. He begged while wiping my salty tears. I know you wouldn't do that I just don't trust him. You never know what are his intentions you know? I am sorry darling I didn't mean it like that I know you loved him far too much to do anything like that. He said while pulling me into his arms. Why did he love me Marcus? I mumbled into his shirt. Then he suddenly stops and looks at me pulling me away from his arms checking my face for any bullshit. What do you mean? He asks sounding confused. I look at the floor as I start fidgeting with my fingers. You know why did he love me? I am not pretty and I don't have the best personality. I offer nothing so why did he love me? Out of all the girls out there why did he chose me? I asked genuinely curious. He looks me dead in the eyes and he bursts out laughing. He laughed for about a minute and then he looked at me realizing I was serious with tears in my eyes. Oh Alaric. He exclaimed as he pulled me in for another hug. He slowly led me to his couch where we both sat down his hand on my back slowly touching me. Al you can't be serious right? I mean how can you even ask such a thing. He wondered. I just shake my shoulders. He then looks me in the eyes. Alaric you are amazing and pretty, you are smart and genuine oh and strong as fuck you are gentle and stubborn at the same time, you're caring and fearless you are independent but also needy enough, you' re kind but also mean when needed to you're soft when you need to be and you know how to speak to people, you know how to confront a person, you know how to smile to get a boy obsessed with you I mean c'mon Alaric you are perfect in every way I could imagine. He chuckled while caressing my face gently, he slowly stuck a strand of my hair behind my air looking into my eyes. And your eyes they are so damn deep it's like I can see oceans in them, all the depths of the sea cannot be compared to this beauty. I could never get bored at looking at them. Alaric he loved you for you, you don't need to offer something to be loved you know? Love should be unconditional and his for you definitely was. Okay? He asks his voice low. I look at him staring deep into his soul thinking what should I do. He is so kind but so arrogant, so caring yet so blind and ruthless. He is so similar to him but then nothing like him at all. I blink rapidly my lashes stuck together cause of the tears slowly drying on my skin now. Marcus is looking at me his face still so close to mine. My heart is aching, begging me to believe him, begging to let him in, trust him love him the way I loved Alex. Heart that has been bruised so many times yet still searching for that love, for some place where it would be safe and loved no matter what begging me to find that place, begging me to believe that place is he. Than there is my mind screaming at me saying I am foolish, saying I am stupid to believe someone could love me, someone who has known me for only a couple of days. Screaming at me that I am betraying Alex that I shouldn't do this replace him and with that thought I decide to listen to my mind for once. All my life have I been listening to my heart and it only ever got me broken maybe it's time to turn off those feelings, feelings get you killed, get you hurt and that's all. With that thought I pull my self back away from his lips and warm breath. For a second I catch a glimpse of his disappointed face just for a second and I chose to ignore it. I look around realizing I am in his apartment for the very first time. His living room is a blend of laid back vibes and unexpectedly stylish touches. A well worn leather couch on which we are sitting right now is in the middle of the room taking most of the space making it look smaller than it really is. Underneath the couch there is a faded Persian rug on which are small stains probably of coke or some other liquor. In front of the couch there is a big tv hanging from brick wall full of different shelves. They are full of different cassettes and albums, books stacked on top of each other creating a messy look that somehow fits Marcus perfectly. I look around my eyes landing on grey walls and many posters covering them, then I stumble across grey picture hanging on top of beautiful fireplace. The picture shows Marcus and Alex standing in the middle of a quiet road, their motorcycles parked beside them. Marcus with his curly hair and wide grin leaning against his new bike not giving a shit. Alex always a bit more reserved, stands next to him smiling wide, his eyes crackling in the way that makes me obsessed with him just a bit more. I remember it, the warm feeling as the sun was slowly setting behind that hill. The air was filled with the scent of pine and the distant hum of the bikes cooling down. We had spent the whole day winding through backroads, it was the kind of day where time seemed to slow down and everything felt just perfect. I can still feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the sense of freedom in the air, and the deep happiness I felt watching the two of them, so alive and carefree. Now it's all gone. Grey. Meaningless. It's just a picture I took to freeze the moment so we will all be able to look at it and remember the good old days I never thought I would be looking at it with bitter tears and sore throat. Alone left with nothing but memories of me and you. I never thought we would be separated. Picture bring memories and realization hits me. This was the day I first met Marcus it was long time ago tho no wonder I don't remember him. I stand up and walk to the picture looking at it closely. He was so different back then, his smile was wide eyes bright, his hair was almost dirty blond now it's just black. He changed, something changed him and I never cared, too caught up in my head to even realize what was happening right in front of my eyes. I remember how we shook hands for the first time ever, he grinned at me saying something I don't remember. I didn't see him my mind thinking about Alex non stop. How many moments I ruined for being so obsessed so worried all the time, how bad my life got all because of me. I regret many things but not giving a shit about people is the biggest regret in my life. Never telling them how grateful I am for them and their company I guess we don't know what we have till we lose it. I stare at the picture trying to relive everything that happened that day but all I see is you leaving. I hear how Marcus stands up walking over to me putting his hand on my shoulder slowly grieving with me. I remember it now. I whisper. He stays quiet listening to my words carefully. This was the day I first met you. I continue. I remember how you smiled, how your hair was blond not black how clean your wrists were and how much you laughed. I exhale slowly letting words sink in. His hand is still resting on my shoulder slowly caressing me. You are so different now. He sighs. I know. After this ride I drove home thinking of how great my life is going to be now that I have both of you by my side. He pauses for a moment his smile slowly fading. I never in a million years would've guessed it would end like this. Everything changed and things fucked me up you know. I started cutting my self to silence the pain, I colored my hair darker I started hitting the gym training hard just to feel something else that the numbness that took over my life the moment you both left. I hated you, you know. Hated how you took away my best friend, my riding buddy, my roommate I hated you for that, but seeing him happy was the best thing ever and you Al you made him the happiest man in the world. I never really hated you I was just jealous, jealous how everybody always gets what they want and I am always left with nothing but crumbs. He slowly swallows the tears taking a few breaths than he continues. The day they told me he died was the day I tried to kill my self. I went home I was angry furious ready to end it all but then I saw you, standing in front of his door and I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. He trembles breaking down as I hold him close slowly drinking his sadness letting it sink into my skin. I just stand there my arms wrapped around his arm his head pressing onto my shoulder. His weight slowly falling on me. I am glad you didn't do it. I whisper my voice raspy against his ear. I don't know what I would've done if you had... Our eyes meet, the intensity of the moment wrapping around us like a cocoon, shutting out the world. He takes a shaky breath, his heart pounding in his chest and before he can second guess himself he leans in capturing my lips with his. Kiss was tentative at first, a hesitant meeting of our lips as if we were both unsure if this was real, allowed. But then, something broke inside us, a dam of pent-up emotions, of grief, of longing all mixed together making kiss deepened, becoming something more desperate, more urgent. His hands found their way to my waist, pulling me closer as if he could somehow merge our sorrows, our lives, into one. I responded in kind, my hands sliding up to tangle in his hair, holding him to me afraid he might disappear. The taste of salt lingered between us, the remnants of tears mingling with the passion of the kiss, a bittersweet reminder of the pain that had brought us to this moment. Time seems to blur, our surrounding fading as we lost ourselves in each others. Each kiss, each touch just a silent promise, a promise. Words echoed in my head but I try to push them aside as his tongue slides inside my mouth soft sigh escaping me. Sight filled with both sadness and grief, anger and shame, sight that makes Marcus crazy I know it by the way he kisses me, his tongue working magic inside my mouths the way his hands are stuck on my hips our bodies moving in rhythm. When we finaly broke apart our foreheads resting against each others, we were both breathing heavily, eyes still closed, savoring the closeness. The intensity between us lingered in the air as our breathing steadied, but the longing in his eyes hadn't diminished it only grew. I know the look, the look of pure hunger, the look of lust that has taken over us forgetting everything, every rule, every feeling other than us. Other than me and Marcus and that somehow sound wrong. Us is not me and him it's me and Alex it has always been and nothing can change that. Marcus's hand, still trembling slightly from the flood of emotions, moved from my waist to my face gently cupping it, his thumb brushing tenderly across my cheek. He stares into my eyes, searching for any sign of hesitation, but I can't resist, He feels to good, he looks to good, he is to good to be true so I give in, I give in to that sinful lust I give in to satisfaction that he offers. I let my mind go blank I let it all go I let my self go I let my self enjoy the feeling of him touching me so desperate. With a soft, almost questioning look, he slowly begins to guide me backward, his steps tentative yet purposeful, leading us both toward the bedroom. As we reached the doorway, Marcus hesitated for just a moment, his gaze locking with mine again, as if silently asking for permission to take the next step. I responded by reaching up and kissing him again, my lips parting slightly to deepen the kiss, my hands wandering to the hem of his shirt. With one fluid motion he tugs his shirt over his head and tosses it aside, revealing the lean, toned muscles of his chest, each scar and line a testament to the pain he'd endured. My breath hitched as I ran my hands across his bare skin, feeling the warmth of his body beneath my fingertips so it sends shivers down my spine. The physical closeness felt like a balm to the aching wounds we both carried since his death. We moved together, our kisses growing more fervent, more demanding, until we reached the bed. Marcus gently lowered me onto the mattress, his body hovering above mine, his eyes locked on mine. There was a silent question in his gaze, a need for reassurance that this was what I wanted too. I hesitated just for a second then silencing my mind completely. I pulled him down to me again, our lips meeting in a kiss that was both tender and fierce, a perfect blend of the passion and the pain that had brought us here. His hands began to explore, his fingers grazing my skin as he slowly lifted my shirt over my head, his touch reverent, almost worshipful. When he leaned down, pressing his lips to the hollow of my throat, I let out a soft sigh, my hands clutching at him, holding him close. His kisses trailed lower, each one sending shivers down my spine, making me forget everything but the way he makes me feel. The rest of the world ceased to exist; there was only Marcus and me, wrapped up in each other, our shared grief giving way to something deeper, something that felt like healing. We moved together, our touches slow and deliberate, each one a reminder that we were still here, still alive, still fighting the battles others don't even see. Without breaking eye contact, Marcus leaned in, his lips brushing softly against my neck, the gentleness of the gesture contrasting with the heat simmering just beneath the surface. I tilted my head back, giving him better access, and he took the invitation, his kisses growing more insistent, more deliberate. I could feel his breath, hot against my skin, as his mouth moved lower, tracing a line from my collarbone down to the hollow of my throat. Every touch, every kiss, seemed to ignite something inside me, a fire that burned hotter with each passing second. I could feel the tension building between us, the thin thread of self-control fraying with each brush of his lips against my skin. My hands found their way to his back, my fingers digging into his shoulders, pulling him closer, needing him closer. Marcus responded in kind, his hand sliding down to my hip, his grip firm as he pressed me against him. The sensation of his body, hard and warm against mine, sent a shiver of pleasure through me, and I let out a soft, involuntary moan. The sound seemed to spur him on, his kisses becoming more urgent, more demanding as he moved lower still, his mouth hovering just above the edge of my bra. His hands were on me then, deft fingers working to undo the clasp, and as he pulled the fabric away, his lips followed, trailing kisses across my now-bare skin. The sensation was overwhelming, a heady mix of pleasure and anticipation that made me arch into his touch, wanting more, needing more. Marcus seemed to sense it, his hands and mouth exploring, worshipping every inch of me as if he couldn't get enough. I could feel the heat pooling low in my belly, the ache between my thighs growing more insistent with every touch, every caress. My breath was coming in ragged gasps now, the intensity of the moment stealing away any semblance of control. I tugged at his waistband, needing to feel more of him, to erase the distance between us. Marcus paused for just a moment, his eyes meeting mine, and in that gaze, I saw the same hunger, the same desperate need reflected back at me. He quickly discarded the rest of his clothes, and when he returned to me, the sensation of his bare skin against mine was electrifying. The last barriers between us had fallen, and as his hands roamed over me, his touch igniting every nerve, I felt like I was on the edge of something vast and powerful. He kissed me again, his lips crashing against mine in a kiss that was all fire and passion, no longer holding anything back. I responded in kind, my body pressing against his, my hands exploring the planes of his chest, his back, the curve of his hips. I wanted all of him, needed to feel him in every possible way I can. Marcus's hand slid down my thigh, hooking around my knee to pull my leg up around his waist, and the sensation of him so close, so ready, sent a jolt of desire through me that was almost overwhelming. My hips moved instinctively, seeking him out, and when he finally slid inside me, the sensation was a perfect blend of pleasure and relief, like we were meant to be joined in this way, like this was where we were supposed to be. We moved together, the rhythm slow at first, almost teasing, but the need for each other quickly grew too intense to be patient. Our movements became more frantic, more desperate, as we sought to drown in each other, to find solace in this connection that was more than just physical, but deeply, profoundly emotional. Every thrust, every kiss, every gasp of breath was a reminder that we were alive, that we had found something worth holding onto, something to keep the memory of him alive in use. As our movements became more frantic, more desperate, I could feel the pressure building inside me, a tight coil of pleasure that was ready to snap. Marcus seemed to sense it too, his pace quickening, his grip on my hips tightening as he drove us both toward the edge. The rhythm of our bodies became a dance of need and desire, each thrust, each gasp of breath, bringing us closer to that sweet oblivion. The tension inside me was almost unbearable, the pleasure so intense it was almost painful, and then, finally, with a sharp cry, I shattered, the world splintering into a thousand fragments of light and sensation as I came undone in his arms. Marcus followed soon after, his grip on me tightening as he buried his face in the crook of my neck, his body trembling with the force of his release. We clung to each other as the waves of pleasure slowly ebbed, leaving us breathless and trembling, but deeply, profoundly connected. As the aftershocks faded, Marcus pulled me close, his lips brushing softly against my forehead, a tender gesture that contrasted with the intensity of what we had just shared. I could feel his heartbeat, still racing, matching the frantic beat of my own, and in that moment I felt it all. Both grief and love mixing inside of me making my heart explode. Feeling so full yet so empty, feeling so right yet so wrong, so sinful so ashamed of my actions. As we lay there in the quiet aftermath, Marcus's arms still wrapped around me, the intensity of what we had just shared began to give way to a different kind of emotion. My breathing, which had finally started to calm, suddenly hitched in my throat as the reality of everything crashed down around me. The memories of my boyfriend—of him—flooded my mind without warning. His smile, his laugh, the way he used to hold me... all of it was still so fresh, so vivid. And now, here I was, wrapped in the arms of his best friend, with the warmth of Marcus's body still pressed against mine. The guilt hit me like a wave, sharp and suffocating, drowning out the peace I'd felt just moments before. Tears welled up in my eyes, unbidden, and before I could stop them, they began to spill over, silently at first. I tried to hold it in, tried to suppress the sobs that were building in my chest, but it was no use. The tears came harder, the weight of everything—of what I'd lost, of what I'd just done—crushing down on me. I turned my face into Marcus's chest, trying to hide my shame, but he felt the tremors in my body immediately. Alaric...? His voice was soft, filled with concern, and I could feel him shift slightly, trying to see my face. But I couldn't bear to look at him, couldn't let him see the guilt and the pain that was written all over me. I shook my head, trying to find the words, but they got stuck in my throat, tangled up with the sobs I was fighting to contain. All I could do was hold on to him, even as my mind screamed at me that this was wrong, that I shouldn't be here, that I shouldn't be doing this. How could I be with Marcus when it hadn't even been that long since I lost him? Lost my soulmate, my love one and only love of my life. I feel ashamed, ashamed that it felt so good that I loved every second of it, our body connected so close I love it I do but why does it hurt so damn much. It's okay Marcus whispered, his voice soothing as he stroked my hair, trying to comfort me. But his kindness only made the guilt worse, twisting it into something unbearable. You're safe with me. His words were meant to reassure, but they broke something inside me instead. The sobs finally tore free, wracking my body as I cried against his chest, the floodgates opening in a way they hadn't since the day I found out. I cried for everything—my lost love, the future we would never have, and now, for the shame of moving on so soon, of letting Marcus in when the wound was still so fresh. I'm sorry, I choked out between sobs, the words tumbling out in a rush. I'm so sorry, Marcus. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't.... Marcus's grip tightened around me, his arms encircling me protectively, but he didn't try to hush me, didn't try to tell me everything was okay. He just held me, letting me cry, letting me pour out all the grief and confusion and guilt that had been building up inside me for so long. After what felt like an eternity, I finally pulled back, just enough to look up at him through my tear-blurred vision. He's only been gone for a little while, and here I am... with you My voice cracked, the shame of it all filling every word. What kind of person does that make me? Marcus's eyes were filled with a deep sadness, but there was no judgment there, no anger. He reached up, wiping away the tears that were still streaming down my face. Al he said gently, his voice so full of understanding that it made my heart ache even more. You're not doing anything wrong. You're grieving, and grief... it's messy. It doesn't follow a timeline or make sense. You can miss him and still need someone to hold you. You can love him and still be here with me His words cut through the haze of guilt just enough for me to catch my breath. I wanted to believe him, wanted to let his words be the balm to my aching heart. But the shame was still there, gnawing at me, reminding me that I had moved on too quickly, that I had let Marcus in when my heart was still shattered I just... I don't want to forget him I whispered, my voice trembling. I don't want to lose him completely. You won't Marcus said softly, his hand still cupping my cheek, his thumb gently brushing away the last of my tears. He'll always be a part of you, of who you are. But that doesn't mean you can't find comfort, that you can't start to heal. And if being with me helps you, even a little, then that's okay. You don't have to feel guilty for that. I searched his eyes, looking for any sign that he didn't mean it, that he was just saying what I wanted to hear. But all I saw was sincerity, and a deep, abiding care that only made the tears threaten to return. I miss him so much I whispered, the confession slipping out before I could stop it. I know, Marcus replied, his voice barely more than a whisper. I miss him too. His admission, so simple and so honest, brought a fresh wave of tears to my eyes, but this time they weren't as sharp, weren't as suffocating. They were a release, a way to share the burden that had been crushing me for so long. And as Marcus held me close, his arms a steady anchor in the storm of my emotions, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I didn't have to carry this pain alone. It didn't make everything okay, and it didn't erase the guilt or the grief, but it was a start—a small, tentative step toward healing So I let myself cry, let myself feel everything that I'd been holding back, knowing that Marcus was there, holding me through it all. And for the first time since I lost him, I didn't feel quite so lost. As the last of my tears finally subsided, I drew in a shaky breath, trying to regain some semblance of composure. Marcus's presence was a steady, comforting weight against me, and though the guilt and sadness still lingered, there was a tiny spark of solace in knowing he understood. Thank you I whispered, my voice hoarse from crying. I don't know what I would have done without you right now. Marcus gently brushed a strand of hair away from my face, his touch as tender as ever. You don't have to thank me. I nodded, feeling a fragile thread of hope threading its way through the haze of my emotions. I don't want to forget him I repeated softly. But I also don't want to keep living in the shadows of my grief. Marcus's eyes softened with understanding. You don't have to choose between remembering him and moving forward. He'll always be a part of you, and that's okay. Moving forward doesn't mean letting go of the past—it means finding a way to live with it. These are the last words he said to me before we fell asleep. I don't know for how long we have been laying there naked under the covers cold breeze brushing our bodies. I woke up to the ringing of my phone somewhere outside of the bedroom. I sighed and just as I was about to get up I stoped. There he was laying next to me naked, his bare chest right in fron of my face, his arms stretched out. He looks so peacful and happy while sleeping. I kiss him on the cheek trying not to wake him up I slowly get out of bed pulling my clothes on. I stumble into the living room searching for my phone still feeling a little guilty. Shit what time is it? I look at my phone the light from the screen flashes my sleepy eyes forcing them to fully open up. Gosh it's 4 already for how long have we slept? Fuck Matteo. I putt on my shoes and just when I am about to hit the exist there he is standing in his black underwear his hair all messy. I want to explain I really do but I just can't there is no time. No time for him. He looks at me betrayed and gosh that stare it kills me inside. You leaving? He asks shattered sounding like he is about to cry. I turn to him fully, looking into his eyes keeping a promise that all that this is right? Why does it feel so different, so much more than just griefing, then just moving on? I'll be back I promise. Matteo is coming I don't want him worrying or getting suspicious. See you tonight. And with that I storm out not waiting for an answer. I broke him I know I did and I am sorry but my head is too full for that right now. I run down stairs unlocking my front door. Immediately I open up some windows so fresh air circulates the place. Then I take a quick shower after which I take on some fresh clothes, black leggings and his hoodie. Pathethic I know, trying to move on but wearing his stuff, smelling him, seeing and hearing him everywhere fucked up I know. Before I get to cleaning or maybe preparing some coffe I hear that same old knock. I run to the front door scared and exicated at the same time. I swing them open and there he is. Matteo! I laugh as he swings me around trapping me inside his arms. He finaly puts me down and we stay hugged for a few minutes just taking in the moment. I missed you. I cry out smiling. He cups my face and slowly wipes the tears away. Missed you to Alita. Just don't cry you know I hate seeing you cry. He chuckles. I bury my face in his chest breathing in that similar smell. Smell that reminds me of my childhood, my home, my friend, my first ever love that I will never forget, cause that very first love well it was him. I still love him just not in that way, I love him as a friend, as a boyfriend of my friend, as a family member maybe or maybe just as a human someone who I can trust, turn to, escape if needed to. Someone who will listen and not judge, help and not expect anything in return, love me without any conditions. That is him nothing more and nothing else but he will never be even close to Alex. Never will he replace him, never will he reach that level never will he know me on that kind of level. With that thought I pull my self out of his arm taking him all in. His chocolate-brown hair is tousaled casually, slightly wavy, falling just above his ears. His hazel eyes stare at me giving me that well known look, look I used to be obsessed with. His skin carries that sun-kissed tone revealing his Italian roots. He is about 6 feet tall what is pretty tall for his family I remember his brother being way shorter than him even way back in kindergarden. He is wearing a fitted white tank top that accentuates his well-defined arms and shoulders. He matches it with a pair of dark washed knee lenghts jeans shorts that are ripped on the edges. Of course he is also wearing his favorite white sneakers and that silver gold chain he loved since he got it for his 17th birthday. I simply love the way he looks so familiar I invite him in sudenly kinda nervous remebering what Marcus told me this morning. No he is just Marcus being overprotective and dramatic as always. I get his stupid voice out of my head as I focus on Teo slowly shufling towards me. I don't even know where to start, what to say I have never felt akward around Teo before. Would you like some tea? I ask as politely as I posibly could. He just brust out laughing. WOuLd yOu LiKe SoMe TeA? He mimick me with his broken british acent. I can't help but laugh. I really did miss him. I punch him and walk off rolling my eyes at him. I don't bother with making tea instead I just grab two sodas from the fridge and a bag of chips. I throw myself onto the couch next to him passing him the soda. We both open it and drink it like the good old times tv, soda and a bag of chips the only thing is Alex is no longer here. He is no longer there in the corner complaining how we are being to loud, he isn't here to wrestle Matteo when he is getting annoying, he isn't here to hug me tight while teo makes funny faces imitading us. I hate it but love it at the same time. Like I can have a piece of him just for me, a piece that lives within other people and that memory just comes alive whenever we are together. Just like the good old times. Teo says while pushing chips inside his mouth. Ye. I mumble not knowing what to say. He seems to notice the change in me so he turns to me with that serious face he always makes before asking me what's wrong. What's wrong chica? I smile a litle bit. I don't know I guess I'm still procesing all of it. I exhale slowly not letting my tears spill. He pulls me into a hug whispering Don't worry I got you, we all do you know. Me, Bryan, Ayesha, Layla, Sofia, David, Tyne, Anya and many more people even your father. Father? From where the hell did that come from. I look at him in disagreement. Just when I am about to explain to him how he beat my neighbour almost to death he says Okay I know he is a digusting person I agree but he is still your father, your blood. He explains, completely ignoring me. Plus he cares I just know he does, he is changing I promsie. He adds. I just laugh, my voice echoing inside of the empty living room. That is the difference between him and Alex, he hated my father for even thinking of hurting me while Teo is defending him thinking it benefits me. I don't need him, that time passed long time ago I was a litle girl once, dreaming of a father who would hold me in his arms protecting me from all the pain litle did I know he would be the one causing it. I don't blame him tho he didn't know better but I ain't gonna pretend he was the best father I ain't gonna try to rebuild something that didn't even exist in the first place it's just not worth it. He will never understand but I don't blame him either I never cared to explain it, explain the past or my fathers actions and words that are still stuck in my head. I never cared to explain it to him cause I had Alex taking care of that for me and I realized it all to late. I should've thanked him for being there, for understanding me, for always being on my side even if my side was the wrong one. He didn't care about rules, about morality he cared about me and what was the best for me. He really did love me and I will never forget that, never will I stop comparing him to all of my future boyfriends and friend if I even will have any. I feel Teo's eyes on me waiting for explanation which I don't own him and all of a sudden I feel even more alone. Like I lost a friend something so close to home that is changed somehow. I look at him, he is different, he is taller, more muscular, he is growing a mustache his hair is longer lips fuller and something about the way he dress, the way he laughs and accuse I don't like it it's arrogant or perhaps I am just picky. I push these thoughts aside realizing I still haven't said anything since my little outburst. Teo no offense but you have no idea how horible he is. I sighed. He rolled his eyes on me but in a playful way at least I thought so but soemthing inside me was warning me. Something inside me was screaming alarming me that this is no longer Teo that I knew. I stay quiet waiting for his response expecting him to change the topics maybe laught and admit he is wrong but no he defends his answer. C'mon Alita he can't be that bad he wasn't even there most of the time. I stare at him mouth open. The wrods they seem unreal he didn't mean it like that right? I misheard him right? This is all just a dream, a nightmare I will wake up from right? Did he really just say that? Teo, my teo said that? I just stare at him not even trying to hide how betrayed I feel but he doesn't budge he doesn't even care. I blink rapidly trying to find an answer, the words it's absurd really. He doesn't even have the right to speak he grew up with a father figure in his life and he was a good father too, he had a caring mother that always loved him more than anything and a brother that stayed by his side always. How can he even try to argue with me over my father who was abusive, manipulative, and absent most of my childhood. How can he even think about arguing over it when I never got to know my real mother, because she fucking died, when my foster mother didn't care, kept me in a bubble hiding and lying to me all of my childhood. What the fuck Matteo?! I manage to get out, before storming into the bathroom. Alaric, c'mon I didn't mean it like that. Alaric! He yells after me but I don't care. I slam bathroom doors behind me colapsing onto cold tiles. Fuck him. I take a few breaths when I hear him banging on my door. Alaric! Alita! Mi amor. C'mon don't be moody let's talk it out. He pleads on the other side. Ye he is on a different side not mine. He is not on my side, he is not, he never was and he never will be. Never in my whole fucking life has he been on my side, always defending the opposite thinking he is helping me, thinking I would learn from it, grow from it. I don't need him to be my father I don't need him to fill this role I need him to be on my fucking side, to trust me, help me, believe me and most important understand me which he doesn't. With that I open the door looking at him furious, I don't bother neither with words nor with actions I just walk past him all the way to the couch as I sit on the exact same spot waiting for him to follow and when he doesn't I shout C'mon let's talk it out right! I hear his footsteps aproaching slowly. Then I see him walk in looking confused, he walks towards me sitting down keeping eye contact with me. He doesn't say a word he knows better than that, he knows he fucked up. Well I am waiting. Talk. I deamand still looking at him sharply. Look all I'm saying is that you should give him another chance he cares about you and it would be good for you to have some male figure in your life. He explains. I mean he got a point, I have lost basicaly every signle male figure in my life, first I lsot my father then I found him and lost him again, then I found someone who cared and loved me on a hwole another level, that was Alex and I lost him too, but there is one more person. One more person that is messing with my head lighting up a fire withing me, a fire that used to burn, burn so bright it flashed all the people around me keeping them warm and close. That fire was Alex and ever since he is gone I have lost that spark everybody did, world became just a bit more colder without him in it. I thought that fire was death, extinguished for good but then I met Marcus and he is trying to light it up again and maybe just amybe I will let him. I don' t blame Matteo he has a point and he wants what's best for me but he doesn't know me, he doesn't know all the things he would need to know to actualy help me, understand me and love me as a friend. However I am still grateful for him and his ethusiasm when it comes to helping and cheering me up. Look I get it you want whats the best for me but believe me I am better off without him. Sorry for overreacting I just hate when people assume when they don't know whole story you know. I say and I mean it. I hate it when people assume I am the victim for not having a father litle do they know I was a literal victim while he was around. They don't know the feeling of being betrayed by your own blood, they don't know the pain you have to go throu to become someone like me, to feel like I do when I think I am better of without him. He seems to understand. Ye I know sorry about that I am just worried about you. Alone in the city with no one to take care of you not that you need someone just you know, you get depressive and sometimes you just need someone to remind you of very basic things like eat drink smile sleep you know? I love you chica I just want what's best for you okay. I should get offended by the fact he thinks I need someone to take care of me but deep down I know I do. I need someone to remind me of those things he just knows me too well and that scares me. I can't pretend I can't lie, I can't even argue with him his words so perfectly said with no space for mistakes yet they hurt me. They hurt me because they are true, they hurt me because I know that I get a litle depressed I get those episodes when I am unable to breathe or think straight wishing my life would be over it's all true and he knows it. I'm sorry. It's all I can exhale before crying again. He pulls me in for yet antoher hug, he just holds me, he doesn't shush me, he doesn't say it's okay he just waits till my soul is done crying over things I can't change. When my breathing gets calmer and my eyes clearer that's when he speaks. Okay enough of crying. Tell me what else did I miss? I don't even know where to start, how do you tell someone that you think the love of your life is still alive, that his death was fake, how do you explain to someone your father is somehow involved, that he beat up some random that you slept with this morning. How do you explain to someone that you're losing your mind slowly, dying while nobody notice because you don't want them too. How do you explain to somebody that you feel like you died, like you're dead. I take a deep breath. I don't even know where to start. He chuckles a bit. At the beginning mi amor. With that I realize how far I've came, how many chalanges I faced without him, I am proud of myself but that doesn't mean I don't miss him, that doesn't mean that I don't think of him every second of every day. Okay so hear me out. I have been thinking and I don't believe it. I don't believe he died in that crash Teo. Because listen why would he went on that highway if he was just going to get groecries? Why didn't he went to thaat supermarket down the street? Why didn't they find his body? What if it's all fake? Just think about it nothing adds up. I say in one breath afraid he might burst in to laughter again. Instead his face is full of sadness and I don't know if I have ever seen Teo crying I mean sure when we were younger and someone broke his favorite toy but as we got older he was happy and smiling most of the time. So his sadness suprises me it gives me that uncomfortable feeling that it's all too real. I watch as he shivers the thoughts out of him and he says. Alaric he is dead, you can't change that I am sorry. We all miss him but pretending he is still alive won't help you. It's not healthy. You need to move on Alita. The words they come out strong like whiskey first thing in the morning they break me and my heart into million pieces spreading coldness all over my body. I don't want to move on I don't want to believe he is really gone I refuse to. I shake my head in dissaproval. No. a single word just a simple no, but it means so much more. No I won't move on, no it's not healthy, no I don't need to move on if I don't want to. I can live my life how I want ot and if I want to live my life in the shadow of my own grief so fucking be it. And no they don't miss him cause if they did they would search for him till their legs gave out, they would scream in pain till there would be no voice left in their throat, they would cry till their were no tears no more sadness to cry out. They wouldn't just give up on you burry your memory instead of your body. If they cared they would never give up they would never stop hoping cause hope never dies. Alita c'mon. he says while slowly caressing my back, pushing his hand lower and lower. You need to move on, find someone who will make you happy. He whispers in my ears in the way it sends shivers down my spine. No I don't. I shake my head again but he stops me. You need someone to satisfy you, to love you the way he did maybe even better, you need someone that knows you, someone that understands. He says pressing his finger on top of my lips his body slowly getting closer and closer. Something in his expresion scares me, something so powerful so dangerous and odd stretched all over his face, revealing his true self. Blackness is all I can see, darknes that fall on to my eyes as relazation dwans on me. I want to escape fly out of that window but I can't move so I stay there trapped in his arms as he kisses my neck seducetly leaving small marks for others to see. I shed one single tear realizing Marcus was right. Realizing Matteo isn't my friend he is just a boy trying to get what he wants, trying to use me. Betrayal hurt but what hurts more than that is realizing you trusted someone with your life when all they did was destroy it on purpose. He was never on my side, even in our relationship he was always my oppoment never defending me never taking my side never even trying to understand he just said what I wanted him to say so he could fuck me. Fuck how stupid was I believing he was just a best friend trying to be nice, sweet saying I love you and all that pushy shit always making me uncofrtable. How did I never notice it before? Was he always like this? Was he just waiting for Alex to dissapear? I push him off gently escaping his grip, but he doesn't stop his hand is still on my inner thigh brushing it slowly. I don't like the way it feels like I am being betrayed over and over again. I feel dirty, I feel stupid. I feel betrayed. Matteo what are you doing? I ask trying to avoid his suductive eyes and flirty comments. Trying to make you feel better. he mumbles while moving his hand up my leg. I dig my nails into his palm so he jumps back. Don't touch me! I yell at him. He looks confused but just for a moment then he get his flirty face on standing up as he towers over me smirking arrongatly. I hate it. Oh c'mon Alita don't pretend that you don't want it. he chuckles. I just shake my head in dissaproval, but it's already too late I see it all play in slow motion he grabs me by my wrist yanking me onto the floor slowly starting to undress me piece by piece. He is pinning me down as he slowly undoes the buttons of my shirt revealing my black silky bra. He just watches me as I twist trying to escape his grip. Please Matteo don't please just let me go. I beg sounding desperate. I love it when you beg, turns me on. He grins as he pulls down my pants so he can see my black panties. He stares at me eyes full of greed, full of lust, so sinful. Gosh I missed your body so much. He exales while gently sitting on top of me letting me feel the weight of his body. Letting me know I am overpowered, defeated. Let me go! I snarled at him. Diggin my hands into his back as hard as I can but he doesn't care, he picks me up slapping my ass while carrying me into our bedroom. Leave me alone! Somebody help me! I scream at the top of my lungs before he shuts me up by tying my mouth with some fabric. I kick and sratch but I can't escape his arms. He slowly lowers me onto the bed hesitating for just a moment. Then in one movement he takes of his shirt and he begins undoing his belt while I try to run away but he stops me throwing me back onto the bed like I am nothing. He then sits on top of me pinning me down grining. What? Scared much? He laughs coldly while kissing the hollow of my throat getting closer to my exposed chest. My breathing gets shallow and I think I will suffocate I cry and kick my feet but he doesn't budge. C'mon Alita stop resisting you know you want me too. Why do you have to complicate everything? he whispers in my ear while grining on top of me touching my breasts with his hands. I gasp so hard I almost choke but he just ruthlessly continues to undo his belt and I watch him freezing on the spot. A way to fimilar scene replays in my head I just zoone out completely not feeling not existing. I don't feel his hands sliding down my body, I don't feel his lips pressing kisses on my bare skin I don't feel his breath on my neck I don't feel anything else than my heartbeat. I try to scream, try to yell, try to move, escape but instead I am just still, waiting for someone to rescue me and as he slides into me I realize nobody is coming to save me I realize I will have to save my self. I gather all of my power smacking him in the back of his head so he falls on top of me, his body trapping mine underneath him. I punch and kick until he falls onto the floor groaning in pain as I run out of the room. I get out and lock the door behind me. I stand there catching my breath realizing I don't know what to do so I begin to panic. But then in the middle of chaos running throu my mind there is him. Marcus. I need Marcus. I cover myself with that grey blanket as I hurry out of my apartment not locking the doors behind me. I just ran, ran so fast I almost fell but I just kept going until I was there banging on his door scraming his name. Marcus! Marcus! Please Marcus! I beg as I hear footsteps running up the stairs. No, no, no, fuck no. Marcus! Ma... the doors sudenly opens and there he is stepping out of his apartment in leather jacket and thick riding gloves. I run into his arms thinking nothing of it while Matteo chases after me screaming like some maniac. Marcus quickly pulls me into his arms shielding me with his muscular body, towering over me while keeping eye concact with Teo. I feel his muscles tense around me, I can feel his pulse beating faster and faster as realization sinks into him. He is mad very very mad, furious you could say I feel it by the way his breaths are getting shallow by the way his body starts to vibrate and the way his palms curls into a fist then just for a moment he looks at me and he sees something I don't he sees vulnerability, he sees fear he feels it and that makes him crazy. I can't even try to hide it, fear that is beating inside of me, screaming shaking my whole body. He stares at Matteo his eyes fixed on him he doesn't flinch it's like the time is frozen and they' re just staring into each other souls. Then when Teo finaly breaks he turns to me and whispers into my ear I will need you to cover your ears princes okay when I let you go just run inside lock the doors and cover your pretty ears okay? He says trying to sound calm but I know he is angry I see it in his eyes the way they shine in that evil way, full of greed, lust, ready to kill, hungry for blood, Matteo's blood. I see those eyes everywhere I go they haunt me day by day night by night I can't escape them. I manage to nod and just when I am about to say something but I am inturupted by Matteo's words. Alaric come here! C'mon I was just playing. He yells his voice bouncing off the walls hitting me from all directions but I feel safe as Marcus holds me tighter, He just senses my pain and fear I don't know how he just does and I am so grateful for it. I hold on to him afraid I might colapse and die right there on the spot. He slowly cups my face frocing me to look at him, his face filled with anger but fear and wonder at the same time. Something about that face, revealing he does care, revealing that maybe just maybe I am more than a promise to him, now it's me that it's wondering if I could posibly be loved by someoen like him. Hey, hey Al ignore him. Focus on me. Okay I will count to three and then I will let you go now I just need you to run inside and lock the doors okay. When you get in just cover your ears. You can do that for me right? I nod again. He smiles. That's good okay. I will start counting now, no pressure. 1,2... 3. And with that he lets me go. I run inside his apartment locking the doors behind me and as soon as I reach living room I colapse onto the floor covering my ears swaying back and fourth putting myself in a trance. I replay it all inside my head over and over again. Thinking of all the ways I could possibly prevent it from happening. I could wear Alex's hoodie maybe then he wouldn't look at my chest that way and I could put on some sweat pants instead of those tight leggings reveling whatever is left of my glutes. I could avoid his eyes more often maybe he would change his mind all the maybes but nothing will change the fact it happened, he did it, he abused me, he tocuhed me, he kissed me. I feel his hands on me and no shower will ever get that feeling off of me. I cry silently as I lay there on the floor wishing it would all be over soon, wishing Marcus would get back already, wishing Alex never left, wishing I stayed at home where I belong, home with Sofia and David with Layla and Ayesha but in reality there is only one place where I belong and that is next to Alex, by his side always that's where I belong that's where I should be that day by his side. I am lost inside my thought not hearing anything else but this consistent silence, that deep one that is so thick you could drown in it. I feel my breaths getting shorter, my body shaking, lungs closing, sight blurrying, ears ringing I feel my self slowly drowning inside my thought and I need t oget out. I open my ears allowing sound to sink into them. I hear them clear as day arguing and yelling at each other but then I hear that loud bang as something hits the floor so they vibrate under my legs. What if is it Marcus on the floor? Dying? Would Matteo kill him for protecting me? I don't even know who Matteo is right now so I have no idea what he would do. I thought he would never do this to me, never in a million years have I thought about that. I imagine Marcus there laying and slowly dying while begging me to come out, to help him but I stay inside listening to his commands. I can't lose him too I can't, I can't afford to lose another man, friend, someone. I just can't. I can't afford it I really can't not now not never. The thought gets on my nerves and I can't help but run to the front door swinging it open only to find Matteo unconcious on the floor and Marcus pointing a gun at him. He is standing there pointing the gun at Matteo's head who lies unconsious on the floor bleeding form the back of his head. I gasp metalic smell burning into my nostrils making my eyes tear up. Marcus looks at me so worried yet dedicated to finish something he started. His eyes are still focused on Matteo's unmoving body steping even closer to him. I just shake my head pleading, begging him not to do it. Why? Why do I care for people who hurt me? Why do I help people that abuse me and uses me for their own good not giving a shit about how I feel? Because I am naive, I believe they can change, I believe there is still some good in them, believing they can be something more, become soemthign more, pathethic it's pathethic, but I can't have blood on my hands, I just can't be like him even if that means suffering and saving the people I hate. I need to be the bigger person but being a bigger person only ever gets me hurt. He can't kill him, no matter what happened today there were still some moments in our past that are worth remebering and smilling, he was there when I needed him but people change some for the better some for the worst and you can do nothing to prevent it from happening. Yes he acted wrong and it's unacaptable but that doesn't mean his life isn't worth living he just won't be a part of mine anymore he doesn't need to die, he just needs to be dead to me. Marcus hesitates for a moment seeking my approval but then I see his arm muscles flex as he pulls the triger shooting the wall just above Teo's head. He smirks a bit knowing full well he could've killed him if he wanted to, why didn't he? Why did he even want to? Would he kill for me? Does he love me that much? Am I even worth it, destroying your life over a girl you don't even know? Why? Thoughts they get way to heavy my body slowly sliding down reliving the shock over and over again my knees begin to wobble as I start to collapse slowly. Still looking at Teo's body laying there hoping and praying he isn't dead. I can't take my eyes off of him, lyign there in his washed jeans and ripped tank top. Marcus quickly runs up to me catching me in his arms lifiting me gently making sure my skin isn't showing from udner the blanket. He carries me to the livign room where he darefully lowers me onto the couch kissing me on my forehead and I can't help but flinch. I flinch at the memory of Teo's lips so close to me, all over me, marks that he left behind still on me, my neck, my body, my fucking bare skin. Marcus's eyes follow my hands as they reach for my neck feeling blood on it. Small bite marks tha Teo left behind and that's when something wakes up in him. He looks at me so broken yet so dedicated to finsih this, to put him 6 feet under the ground, he is ready to kill him I just see it in his eyes by the way his fist are still clenched so hard the blood corculation slows down and they turn purple. He tries to storm off, kill him for good but I hold on to the palm of his hand pulling him back gently. His eyes softened just for a moment but then he saw them again, marks and skratches on my body he left behind. They killed him just a bit more. He looks at me pleading, begging me to let him, to let him kill Matteo, to take my revange but I don't want to. I don't want him to kill Teo. I don't want him to take revenge for me I don't need him too. Please stay. I exhale my voice just above the whisper. He kisses me on the forhead and murmurs I have to take care of him darling. I shake my head in refusal. No, no, no c'mon Marcus just leave it. Hey look I am totaly fine. I lie putting on my best poker face, but of course he sees right throu it. He shakes his head laughing to him self. Gosh you make me crazy you know that, but you ain't fine. You can't fool me like that I know you even if you don't believe it I do. I know you better than you think. I also know you don't want me to kill him because you're afraid that makes you similar to your father even tho it doesn't. Alaric you're the furthest thing from him okay, believe me. You are nothing like him. His words they feel so real, so mine, like I could just hold on to them and always feel happy. They are healing me letter by letter, word by word. He is healing me, saying all those things I was to afraid to say out loud, to acknowlodge them, to accept them, to believe them. He makes me believe I am worth loving and that's all I need. He slowly lifts my face my eyes meeting his. Gosh I love those eyes I could get lost in them. Al I need you to focus okay. I nod. Okay what do you want me to do? Don't think about the affect it will have on me and Matteo or maybe even your father think only about yourself. Be selfish for once and tell me what do you want me to do. He almost begs. I never thought about that what do I want. I don't know what I want. All my decisions were made by me but they weren't really mine. Never have I cared about how these decisions made me feel all I cared about was how they would affect other people. I get lost inside my head but only for a moment. I know what I want but he can't get me that, no one can. I want Alex back I want my old life back, my old friends the ones that didn't try to use me and abuse me, I want my family to be back to normal but in reality I just want to rewrite my life, make better decision but that I could never do, that can't posibly be done so I am left here with the weight of knowing everything could turn out differently if only I knew. If only I knew the truth. I want answers. I want the truth. I want you to tell me the truth. I want answers. I want explanation, something to put my mind to ease. I blurted out as his face got all cold. Did I reach that line? The line that everybody has, it's the line that you once cross and over the year look back at it realizing it's actualy an arrow pointed straight at you. It's a line they say but it's actualy a wall, build of lies and emotions stuffed somewhere in the back of my mind and when you broke that wall there is a whole new world yet to be explored and I am breaking this wall, I will break it I know I will. I see it in his eyes that spark I didn't saw the first day we met cause I was too busy existing trying to make my life as perfect as I could then forgeting to actual live in it. Pushing all the experiances and opportunities one the side thinkign they will always be there waiting for me to take time and live them. Now there are new ones waiting for me and one of them is Marcus. He shakes his head so black curls covered in blood fall over his gloomy eyes. I didn't mean it like that Al. I am talking about the moron that left all those marks behind. He says voice harsh jaw clenched. He can't hide the anger behind his words, I mean he has a right to be angry but c'mon. Does he really have to avoid all of my guestions all the time? Why can't he just say it, explain it just do something to silence this mess inside my head. Why does he have to hide things from me I am tired of constantly begging for truth. All of my life lies followed me, from my childhood till today and I am getting tired of it. Tired of constantly fighting for something that should be here, trust. I am tired of never being trusted while I am riping my self apart trying to be loved and respected. I want to silence these thoughts they get repetitive and destructive I just can't escape them, and nobody can help me with that, nobody can fix me cause I am not a mistake I am not broken I am just lost and I am done. I am done being lost, I am done being the side character in my own story. I am ready to take fate into my hands this life is mine so I will live it how I want it. I want answers I will get them on my own. I am done playing nice pretending I am all weak I am not. I survived I am alive and breathing and I am fucking strong for that. So fuck it let the man who does me harm be killed. Kill him. I whisper as his eyes widen. My voice is cold, eyes dead, heart barely beating. You sure? He ask still cofnused looking at me like I'm crazy. I smile boldy I want to talk to him and after that do to him whatever your heart pleases. He looks at me trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Where in our conversation did he let my mind go crazy. It all happened when you avoided me again, when I didn't feel heard again, when you lied, that's where it went wrong but he doesn't see that. In his eyes I am just a confused girl who got abused and want to do something to feel something, soemthing similar to revenge. Partly he is rightt cause I want to feel Teo's sadness and anger as I tear him apart letter by letter. I want to kill him, take revenge for touching me, for speaking to me the way he did. I want to see him die pleading for his life, begging for my forgivness and I will make sure he won't be heard. I will make sure he will feel that sadness and insanity that I have felt my whole life I will make him suffer till he can't take it anymore till the moment he will be pleading for death to take him like I did that night. I will make him suffer because that's the only way he will ever understand. My thoughts they make me insane, they make me feel cruel and mean but who is holding me back? Who is preventing me from bringing them to life? Well it's me.I am holding my self back trying to act by some moral rules that I set my self so I wouldn't end up like my father, but what if I need to break them in order to survive in order to get what I need, what I want. In order to feel something more, to become something more in order to live? You want to see him again? Al I don't think that's a good idea. His words they don't reach their full potential, they don't break throu me not quite, they don't make me guestion my decision, they don't mean anything, they're just word, random letters thrown together so we can communicate. Respectfully, I don't think I asked for your opinion. I say thinking absolutely nothing of it. Words they come out harsh more that I intended them too. They left him wondering, zooning out distanicng himself from me even more. My words, I, yes I hurt him I know I do but he won't let me see it instead, he will pretend that they don't bother him, because he sees vulnerability in credibility and that is his greatest weakness, but today I pretend to not care. Today I put my self first, me and my most sifnul self. If you won't do it I will do it myself. I add maybe just to prove my self I will really do it, just to make sure I am not dreaming, just to pretend I don't care. I try to shut my feelings off letting my mind take control but it's nearly impossible, when he is looking at me eyes full of dissapointment. Seeing him like this hurt me for some reason why? I am nothing more than a promise, a job so why does look so worried, his eyes big focused on me sitting there not moving a muscle. I can't I am numb to the point I don't even feel the tip of my finger. I can't feel or see I am just numb focusing on my breathing, hiding behind this mask that is gettign way to thick, but he is breaking throu it, layer by larey and the he chose to break it completely. Why? he asks his voice low. Why what? I ask not looking at him anymore, zooning out completely, trying to run away from reality that is chasing after me..Why do you have to be so cold? He asks on the edge of crying. My eyes avoid his, I can't look at him I am far to ashamed. The guestion the same one I asked my father so many times, expecting, hoping and hurting. Is this how he feels? Dissconected and dead? Is this the feeling of finaly giving in to those draining thoughts letting them drown you completely? I never understood him never have I loved him no not really, I loved the idea of him, the idea of a person that I was supposed to call my father. Person who was supposed to protect me and love me I had my expectations I believed, hoped, that one day he will realize I am worth loving, wroth staying, but he never did. Never did he stay, never did he love me the way I wanted him too. I remember all the days I've spent sitting by the widnow praying, hoping that he will return faster this time. That hope is dead now, he is dead to me. I killed my self by hoping that something will change, by believing people will come back on their own well. How fucking foolish I was?! Killing my happiness for people that left. Killing the litle girl inside of me that just wanted to be loved, that girl is dead now. Thanks to me for overthinking and thanks to them proving me right every single damn time. Because Marcus sometimes the only way to survive is by acting dead. I say standing up not believing my own words. I will walk out of this door and I will kill the man I used to call my best friend. Forevel I shall bury his memory, he shall be forgoten by the world, his memory is not worth living. With that I start walking towards the front door not looking back, not letting my emotions get the best out of me. I am almost there my hand on the doorknob of the front door ready to finish something he started and then I hear him. His sweet little voice. Hey, Alex here please leave a message after the peeb. the message replays in my mind, as I try to hold on to his vocie just a bit longer. Then I hear Marcus, his voice low Your girlfriend is dead. and with that he throws my phone out of the widnow shattering it into a million pieces. The sound of a big crash replacing the silence between us. I just stand there too stunned to speak and then a wave of anger takes over me. I stomp over to him but he doesn't flinch he just opens his arms closing his eyes allowing me to punch him directly in the chest. C'mon hit me. He says challanging me and I do. I hit him again and again my fists hitting his hard chest but he just smiles. Is this all you got? I am furious as I punch harder and harder frustated tears forcing their way out of my eyes. I start screaming at him. Fuck you. My hands still hitting him. Fuck you! I scream as tears stream down my face, my punches gettign faster. Fuck you for lying, fuck you for leaving, fuck you for hurting me so damn much! I hate you! Slowly my punches gets slopier and eventually I collapse, my body hitting the wooden floor tears falling on to it. I am now kneeling still crying while wheezing out cruel words that have been stuck inside my head since what seems like forever. Why can't I just be enough?I am so tired of fighting I just want everything to be the way it was! Why out of all people me?! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?! He is still towering over me his expression gentle resting on me. My breathing slowly gets calmer heart beat slows down as I cry silently. He kneels next to me pulling me into his arms as I gasp for air. This feels good doesn't it? he asks sounding as calm as ever. But it's true I feel lighter, thoughts are quieter now, my sight clear. Then I remember the words, your girlfriend is dead and that is somehow also true. I am fucking dead. Marcus, he holds me close as I calm down, his hands embracing me, giving me closure I don't need, closure that scares me. Al this is not you. And that take me back to the very first night I spent without you I was drunk or high I don't even remember, I just sat there on that same godamn staircase thinking how to end it all. Thinking how the world did me wrong. I remember standing in front of that mirror crying because I looked different, because I wasn't the same. I remember promising you, Alex to take better care of my self, to make sure you're watching me with a smile on your face I remember it all too well and yet I manage to fail at that too. I dissapointed a dead person I dissapointed my self but how can you blame me? And what is me? I mumble int ohis shirt taking in his smell then pulling away from him to stare into his eyes just a bit longer. He hesitates as he tries to find an answer to my guestion. In the end he stays silent. Excatly. Is what I say before walking back to the couch liting my self a cigarete. I inhale, smoke filling up my lungs I don't cough I just stay still letting the nicotine do it's work and all of a sudden I am calm again. I exhale a cloud of smoke escaping my mouth. Marcus I don't know who am I. I begin, inhaling the smoke once again. He steps closer to me his eyes landing on a pack of cigaretes. However one thing that I know is that I am done being lied to. I say while putting out the cigarete tossing it throu broken window. I stand up now fully facing him. I am done being a fucking pawn you understand that. I am done failing all the time. When I am soft people only ever hurt me, when I am cold I hurt my self and people hate me for it so what the fuck am I supposed to do?! No matter what I do someone fucking loses and that someone is me. Me, me and me again. So tell me Marcus what the fuck should I do?! I yell at him drops of my saliva hitting his face as he just stares at me. I stand there waiting for an answer but he is quiet as usual. I am done being fucking quiet and with that I step closer to him pointing my finger into his chest poking him. You! You fucking bastard being quiet all the time. I am done begging for answers you understand that Marcus right?! Every human has it's breaking point well here it's mine. Outside that door there is a man bleeding, dying alone, man that I called my best friend my whole fucking life. Every second that passes that man dies a bit more so excuse me for not havign the fucking time for your games of silence. I exhale slowly letting air fill my nostrilss. Then I look at him again. Trying to read his mind but he gives me nothing. Something shifts whitihin me, something that hurts. Marcus please. All my life I have been living in this silence I can't take it. I beg. His eyes they stay unfaze, he doesn't care, I crossed that line, and right now I wish I didn't. He turns around and he starts walking towards the front door leving me again. As he reaches for the doorknob I beg Please don't leave. He hesitated only for a moment then he walks out wihtout a single word and I am left alone in his apartment. The walls they seem to get closer and closer slowly leaving me to suffocate as I hold on to the blanket covering my naked body hiding from the shadows of my own my mind. I am left there with nothing, no space, no hope, no love, no nothing. I lay down letting the darkness to take over me shutting the thoughts off completely. I wake up to the sound of the front door opening my body stifens as I realize I am sleeping inside of his apartment on his couch naked, covered with nothing but a grey blanket. I pretend I am still asleep while I secretly watch him. He steps to me, just watching me as I pretend to sleep. He covers me with yet antoher blanekt then he walks back to the front door inviting someone in. I almost blow my cover when I see Matteo standing there his left eye is stiched, and around his neck there are cuts and bandages, he is also limping I see them as they walk towards the kitchen Marcus blocking Teo's view hiding me from his greedy eyes. Then they dissapear and I am left here alone wondering what the fuck is going on. Why are they together? Why isn't he dead already? Why just why is he here? I can't move and I feel as if I can't breathe. What am I supposed to do now? I can't just go there yet I can't leave they will see me and I am fucking naked, I mean they have both seen me naked before but that's beyond the point. I am trapped. I can't call Marcus my phone was thrown out of that fucking widnow I can't escape I am hopeless. All I can do is wait here till one of them shows up and I pray to god it will be Marcus. I look around looking for soemthing, just soemthing to give me some kind of hope. All I can see are pictures of us, me, Alex and Marcus all happy together, there is litelary nothing else except of some cigarettes scatered around ,some maganizes and clothes? There is a hoodie, Alex's hoodie and some pants. I scoot over to them pressing them against me, feeling warmer in an instant. They smell fresh, they look fresh so they must be fresh. I put them on without thinking twice when I am done I stumble into his bathroom, and the first thing I notice is how different it feels from what I imagined. It's small, like you'd expect in a flat, but it has this sleek, industrial vibe that feels... intentional. The walls are covered in these matte grey tiles, cool and smooth to the touch. I like it it's fresh and fashinable. I can't believe I am admiring fuckng tiles when there are two man sitting in the kitchen talking about me, probaly not far from killing each other. However there is this big rectangular mirror with a thin black frame in which there is nothing more and nothing less than my reflection. I stare at myself tryign to figure out who am I, who will I be and who was I yesterday. I was acting just like my father and admiting that is fucking hard, realizing you wanted to kill someone not even because you wanted to but just to feel something else that this numbness. Why do people kill? How sick should a person be to kill someone out of satisfaction? Out of lust for blood, for feelings that come with death? Am I really that sick? That different? I remember Marcus voice Your girlfriend is dead. The words they still send shivers down my spine. Am I truly dead? Should I be? I know he didn't mean it like that, he reffered to me changing becoming cold nothing like Alex was used to seeing me like. I am dissapointed but it is what it is and I can't get stuck in the past again. I just can't cause the next time I do I will become a part of it I know I will. Okay plan I need a plan right? There are two men out there probaly waiting for me to wake up talking about god knows what. One of them is my neighbour which I slept with, best friend of my dead boyfriend, man who saved but killed me at the same time, the other one is my best friend at least that is what I used to call him, he is the man that abused me yesterday, the man I wanted to kill. The only think they have in common is me. Fuck in what kind of shit have I got myself into again. Hod did this even happened? Oh right I don't fucking know! Screw plans I'm gonna kil them both. I look at myself, reflection staring back at me and there is you. Alex. You are standing behind me hugging me. Supporting me from afar. I am going to find out how and why did you die, if you truly did die. With that I storm out of the bathroom directly into kitchen. There they are sitting on the oposite sides of table staring at me like I am some kind of ghost but I don't bother talking to them, I don't bother looking at them I just walk past them all the way over to the small fridge in the very corner of the room. I open it starign at the emptiness, there is nothing, okay not nothing there are a few soda can's and a carton of probaly already expired milk. I sighed as I walked over to the counter opening up diferent drawers searching for something. Then I see it tons of spons and forks laying scatered inside of the very top drawer, but they aren't what I am looking at. I am looking at big sharp knife laying besides them. I carefully take it out making sure they can't see me or the knife I silently put it into my pocket then I cover it with hoodie. Just the feelign of cold metal against my skin pumps up my adrenaline, make me feel safer as I walk into war zone again but now ready to finsih this once and for all. There is silence in the air, a million thoughts and emotions trapped inside of it waiting to be heard, electryicy slowly gathering waiting for lighting to strike. They are both just sitting there lost inside their head they hear me they feel me but they refuse to look at me. I can't look at them either, one of them betrayed me and so did the other. They both lied, they both used me just in different ways, and most important they both lied. They disgust me, both of them, pretending to be someone strong, someone dear to me when in realtiy they are both just like my fahter, snakes around my neck slowly suffocating me, snakes I need to get rid of. Hard situations make people drop their masks, reveal their true self and they did it, reveald their ugliness hiden within a croocked smile, smirk, laugh. They don't fool me not even a litle bit, no tears no words cut throu me, my mind is in control and that makes my heart burn with pain but fuck it I am done being the victim. I sit myself on the very end of the table Marcus on my right Matteo on my left both withing reach. Now we are all sitting in silence, the same silence I despise so fucking much. They won't talk I know they won't so that leaves me with no other choice then to start talking myself. I got some shit I have been wanting to say since like forever. I slam my hands onto the table with a loud thud, the impact echoing through the room. Both Marcus and Matteo jump slightly, their eyes flicking towards me, but neither says a word. I lean forward, my voice low and tight, every word laced with anger. You two better start talking before I lose my patience. Silence. They both just sit there, Marcus avoiding my eyes and Matteo with that disgusting smirk still tugging at his lips. My heart pounds harder, my chest tightening with rage. I glance between them, waiting, demanding an answer. My eyes are fixed on Marcus. Marcus why the hell is he still here?! I spit, trying to keep my voice from cracking as I throw a cold look at Matteo. Marcus won't even look at me, his jaw clenched, staring at this godamn table like it has all the answers. He doesn't get to be silent now I ran to him after Matteo, after that bastard destroyed me. I ran to Marcus, thinking I'd be safe. And what did he do? He left me. He left me alone to cope with those thoughts on my fucking own. Yet I thought I finaly found someone worth keeping, someone worth letting in, someone worth the pain, but he ain't worht a fuckign penny. I continue because neither of them is going to. I came out there, and I saw you standing over him with your gun to his head. Matteo was bleeding out on the floor. My voice cracks, but I push through. You were going to shoot him, and I begged you not to. Marcus winces, his eyes still glued to the table. The guilt on his face only makes my fury worse. I remember how his arms felt when he carried me back inside, how I thought for a second that everything would be okay. That he'd stay. But then we argued about everything and he left. He left me alone after everything that happened. Just like my father I think to myself. I grit my teeth, my hands curling into fists. You carried me inside, Marcus. We fought, and then you left. I have no idea what happened after that. You left me alone in this damn apartment, not knowing where you were or if Matteo was still out there bleeding or... worse. I swallow, my voice dropping. Why? Marcus finally looks up at me, his face full of guilt, but it's too late for that. I begged him to stay, begged him not to leave me alone, not after what Matteo did to me. But he left anyway, left me alone with those fucked up thoughts leaving me to drown in them. You left me when I needed you, I hiss, my fingers moving to the knife tucked in my back pocket. The feel of it grounds me, keeps me steady. You left me. After I begged you not to, you fucking left me when I needed you the most, you betrayed me Marcus after I stopped you from pulling the trigger on him. My eyes shift to Matteo, my rage shifting with it. I turn my full attention to Matteo, my hatred rising like a fire. My hand tightens around the knife's handle, and this time, I don't hesitate. I pull it out from my pocket and point it directly at him, the blade gleaming as I level it at his chest. And you? I snarl my voice driping with venom You got some nerve showing up here after the shit you pulled last night. For the first time, Matteo's expression cracks, the smugness flickering. He shifts slightly, and I can see the fear creeping into his eyes. Good. I take a step closer, the knife steady in my hand as I point it at him, my voice deadly calm. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be breathing right now? If I hadn't stopped Marcus, you'd be dead on that floor. So you better start talking. I lean in, the blade just inches from his throat. Because I swear, Matteo, if you don't tell me why the hell you're still here, I'll make sure this ends the way it should have last night. His expression goes numb his eyes not on me anymore. Something breaks inside of him, fear swallowing his face but not because of me no it's because of something else, something unknown. I follow his gaze my heart pounding inside my chest as I turn around only to see Marcus holding a gun. Gun that is pointed directly at my chest. I freeze, breath catching in my throat. His eyes they meet mine for the first time since this mess started and in them there is something different, something dark and unexplainable. Something foreign. His grip on the gun tightens, his knuckles white, but he doesn't say a world. The knife in my hand sudenly feels a whole lot havier, but I don't lower it. This room sudenly doesn't feel like home, it feels tense, like walls are closing in letting us all to suffocate. I stare into his eyes searching, yarning for the truth but they don't reveal anything. He stares at me cold, foreign I don't know this man who is standing in front of me this is not Marcus I know. I let out a sharp, bitter laugh at the betrayal I was too blind to see, the sound cutting through the air and bouncing off the walls, dripping with sarcasm. It's almost funny, really, how I didn't see this coming .How fucking blind I was, how foolish to believe there is love for me out here, how fucking foolish of me to think I found a person who I can trust. There is no trust in this fucked up world, there is no sympathy, no morals just cold bloded people blinded by grief, by sandess and anger, caring only about themselves and their own good. Really Marcus? I ask my voice laced with anger that is now mixed with deep sting of betrayal. I step closer. You want to shoot me? I ask again as I press the knife against his chest. His arm's muscle flexe and I see how close he is to pulling that godamn trigger. How close is he to killing me. The betrayal it hurts of course it does it wouldn't be a betrayal if it wouldn't right but there is something I can't wrap my mind around. Why? What changed in just a night? What could I've I done to make him hate me? Kill me? Keeping a promise he said, keeping a fucking promise. I laugh, the sound sharp and broken, as if it's the only thing holding me together. The insanity taking over me as I drop the knife so it hits the floor with a sharp, metallic clang, the sound cutting through the silence like a scream. It bounced once before settling, the impact echoing in the room as my hand remained frozen mid-air, still trembling from the force. I won't kill him I will help him kill me instead because killign me will slowly kill him he just doesn't realize. He doesn't realize that the moment my heart stops beating he has lost not only Alex as a person but Alex as a soul, as soemone to remebere because he would never aprove of this and that thought will slowly eat him alive leaving him to die suffering. I am ready to die there is no one and nothing holding me back to this fucked up world, sure I have sisters, sure I have family but I am already dead to them they will get over it, they will heal and forget. He thinks the gun in his hand scares me, he thinks I will beg for my life not knowing I don't even have a life I am just a body wihtout a sould roaming this streets hoping my time will pass. He is foolsih to think he has any power over me because he is poinitng a gun to my head. I step closer, my eyes wild, as I grab the barrel of the gun with one hand. I pull it closer, pressing the cold metal to my forehead, the smile on my lips twisted, dangerous. Go on. My voice rises, thick with sarcasm. Shoot me! I yell, pressing the gun harder against my own skin. I dare you, Marcus! Do it! Show me just how far you've fallen! His eyes widen, panic flashing across his face, but I don't care. I'm beyond caring now. The anger, the betrayal, all of it is too much, and I can't stop the madness spilling out of me. I laugh again, louder this time, almost hysterical. You're foolsih to think I am afraid of some gun, foolsih to think I am afraid of death. I have nothing worth holding on. So do it! Pull this godamn trigger and kill the last piece of me the one that trusted you maybe even loved. Fucking pull the triger Marcus. I dare you! He is trembling now, his hands shaking as he grips the gun. I smile, that fucked up wicked smile that made me insane while growing up the same one my mother had, the same one my father had the same one I have now. I am this blood, I am that dirty fucked up blood but so fucking what. I tried to be different tried to wash up my name, try to start over and what do I get in return?! I get betrayed cause that's the live I choose, cause I am Alaric fucking Roffe and nothing will ever change that I will forever carry his last name and my life will forever be cursed by him, by my past, by his actions I will be glad to start over if I get that option once I leave this world. I will glad to die here tonight. I lean in, eyes blazing, and whisper, Do it, Marcus. My voice turns softer, deadly calm, the sarcasm like a knife slicing through the tension. You'll be doing me a favor. There is nothing left here for me. There is no fucking one that gives a shit about me. I laugh again, but this time it's hollow, a sound that feels like it's tearing me apart. You're pathetic, I say, the smile fading into something darker, emptier. If you were really going to shoot me, you'd have done it already. But you can't, can you? You're too much of a coward to finish what you started. I pull back slightly looking into his eyes, tears glimmering in them and there somewhere deep within them there is that boy I used to love, that boy that made me feel worth loving, that made my life worth living for the past few days, the boy that made me feel like it was okay to heal and to move one, boy that made me fucking believe it was okay to forget about Alex, boy that protected me from fuckign everyone where is that boy now?! I'll tell you he grew up into this wicked man pointing this wicked gun at my head, ready to shoot my brains out of it. He would be doing me a favor at least the thoughts will get quiet, but he won't do it, he can't because he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't love me either. Why? Because I am a fucking promise. Of course he won't because he doesn't have the guts. I let out another sharp, broken laugh and shove the gun harder against my head, daring him, taunting him. Come on! I yell, my voice echoing in the room. I'm right here! You wanted to hurt me? Well, here's your chance! Shoot me! But he doesn't move. His face twists in agony, his breathing ragged, and I see the cracks in him widening. Good. Let him feel it. Let him drown in it. Let him drown in his own fucked up thought, let him realize what he had just done, let him know who he betrayed, who he lost without even killing me. His lips part, like he's going to say something, but no words come out. The guilt, the confusion it's all too much for him. I can see him breaking under it. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. I feel sorry for the boy I used to know, I feel sorry for the boy who could become something so much more thant this, he could be an artist, or maybe an arhitect, he could be a famous singer maybe a painter or designer, he could be mine, he could be a part of my future, but I don't feel sorry for the man who will become a part of my past and he will stay there till the day I fucking day. You know what the real joke is? I say, my voice turning colder, deadlier. I actually thought you cared about me. After everything, I thought you loved me. What a joke, right? I shake my head, staring into his eyes, my smile fading into something dark, something raw. Turns out, the only person I can trust is myself. Without warning, I yank the gun out of his hand, quick and sharp. He's too shocked, too weak to stop me. I hold it up between us, letting the weight of it settle in my hands, my eyes never leaving his. Marcus swallows hard, his hands raised slightly as if he's trying to calm me down, but I see the fear in his eyes. For the first time, he's scared of me. Please, he whispers, his voice strained. Don't do this. I didn't... I didn't mean I cut him off with a bitter laugh. Didn't mean to? You didn't mean to what, Marcus? Point a gun at me? Leave me alone after I begged you not to? Or maybe you didn't mean to let him, I jerk my head toward Matteo, get away with what he did? Marcus takes a small step toward me, hands still raised in a pathetic attempt at peace. I made a mistake, okay? I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I... I take a step back escaping his arms, escaping him completely, my finger hovering around the trigger ready to pull it at any moment. I shake my head sighing Scared? You think you get to be scared? My voice trembles now, a mix of anger and something raw, something broken. You don't get to be scared, Marcus. Not after all this shit. Not after pulling a fucking gun on me. Not after leaving me like I am nothing. I needed you and you left. Tears blur my vision, but I blink them away. I won't cry. Not now. Not in front of him. He takes another step toward me, cautiously, like he's approaching a wild animal. I'm sorry. I— His voice cracks, and I can see the tears he is trying to fight back in his eyes. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left. I know that now. I should've stayed with you, I should've.... Too late, I cut him off, my voice low and deadly. It's too late for apologies. My hand tightens on the gun, my chest heaving, and for a second, just a second, I consider pulling the trigger. I could do it. End all of this right now. But I don't. Instead I lower the gun slowly my eyes still locked on his. Fuck this. I say as I toss the gun onto the table, the clatter loud in silence around us. I don't need you and I sure as hell don't need him. I point at Matteo with disgust clear in my voice. I step back, wiping my eyes quickly before they can see the tears. You both failed me, I say, my voice soft but full of venom. But I don't need either of you anymore. Marcus stands there, broken, staring at the gun on the table like it's the last thing holding him together. Matteo doesn't move, watching, calculating, like he's waiting for his chance.But I am done with both of them, never in my life do I want to see, hear or feel either of them. They don't need to die to be dead to me and with that I turn around and I walk. I walk past that livign room in which we argued yesterday in which Marcus slowly kissed me for the seocnd time, I walk past the bathroom in which I got ready that mronign after I have slept with him and then I walk past master bedroom doors past the room where we made love, where I revealed my deepest darkest secrets to him, just for him to yell them out, spreading them around the world, losing me completely. I will miss him but betrayal hurts way more than loss knowing someone made that choice, choice to hurt you on purpose or in his case, choice to try and end my life, why? I will never get an answer but that doesn't bother me right now, there is a brand new day ahead of me, a day that was ruined by this morning in which I learned not to trust, not to love and not to attach to people you don't even know. I don't know him. Marcus Collins is now a stranger to me, non-important, irelevant. Dead.