One More Night- Faking It

Chapter One

Once again, TW- SH, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression.
Get help, you belong on this earth, just like everybody else. You will be okay one day, just gotta get yourself there.
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
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It's been three dreadful days since Friday, I was able to act normal around everyone. No one questioned the long sleeves in Texas, I had worn them before. No one questioned the lack of trying, I never did, no one questioned the bag around my eyes and the fact I seemed so tired. No one questioned why I wasn't eating lunch, it was meatloaf, no one was touching it. I was able to laugh, smile, I was able to act like I didn't lose her. I was happy when no one asked about her, they didn't ask often but sometimes they were curious if I had seen her over the weekend. Especially Shane, but he didn't ask. The school day seemed easy, and when I got home no one asked. My mom commented I must be hot, but she always did and I would always shrug. 

After dinner, I go up to my room and lock the door, then lock the bathroom door. Lauren never usually came into my room, but I always did it as a precaution. 

WARNING STARTS

I sit on my bed, looking at the razor. I knew I couldn't do them on my arms, sometimes I rolled the sleeves up without thinking. No one could know, if they knew they ask, they ask the questions I hate answering. This wasn't the first time I did it, after the last birthday card from my dad, when I knew he wasn't going to be calling or writing to me anymore because I wasn't what he wanted. I was fourteen when I first cut myself, I was fifteen when my mother caught me. She put me on medication, that I no longer take. She walked and talked around me like I was some fragile glass, I knew what would happen if she saw me like this. It would break her. 

I stood up and pulled my pants down, I looked at the scabbed cuts, the old scars. I looked at the razor before feeling the cold blade against my skin, the sting and burn was what I needed. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Once I was done, I looked at the blood dripping and cleaned myself up. I put it all away and got dressed again, unlocking the doors and laying in bed. 

WARNING ENDS

I got a message from Karma asking to come over, which I said yes to. It didn't take long for her to come into my room, a wide smile on her face. I smiled at her, it was contagious, even if I wasn't feeling it. "I've missed you, you're always hanging with Reagan. So I was thinking I could pick out your outfit like I used to." I felt my heart stop at her name, before nodding with a smile. She squealed and went to my dresser, she started looking through things. "What about these jeans?" I looked at her and she was holding holey jeans, I knew I couldn't wear them but I also couldn't say no. "Sure," She set them aside and was looking through my shirts, "Where's your donut shirt?" I thought about the last place I wore it... it was her house. "Probably dirty, I haven't done laundry yet." She nodded before picking out a simple grey shirt, she set it on top of my jeans. 

"Okay, all done, now, I was hoping we could have a sleepover?" I licked my lips, "I don't know Karma, you know how my mom feels about it all still. Let's plan one this weekend, so I can talk my mom into it." She nodded, a small pout on her face. "Okay, can I at least hang out with you a little longer?" I nodded and she jumped on the bed, we laid back and looked at the ceiling. I wanted to tell her, to tell her about the breakup but I just couldn't do it. Karma never knew about the pills, about any of it, so I couldn't tell her now. She wouldn't understand, Karma was never like that and if she was her parents picked her back up the moment they realized she was upset. My mom, she left me to bubble, to become worse. I don't blame her, she doesn't notice everything. 

Karma laid her head on my chest, her arm over my stomach and she moved her leg to lay over my thighs. I kept the hiss from coming out, but I could keep my body still. She pulled away, her eyebrows furrowed. "Did I hurt you?" I nodded, "Yeah, I accidentally bumped into a table at school. It's a little bruised," "Can I see it?" I shook my head quickly, "No no, it's in an awkward spot. I promise I'm okay." She nodded with a small smile and laid back down, keeping her leg off of me. After about an hour of lying together, Karma got up to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow, don't forget to talk to your mom. Oh and make sure Reagan doesn't try and make any plans, okay?" I nodded, and she kissed my cheek before leaving. 

I covered my face with my hands, sobbing into them. I curled back in a ball and clapped my hands, the lights turning off. That was how I fell asleep, tears streaming down my cheeks. 

I woke up as a scream ripped through my throat, I was breathing quickly and my body was sweaty. I saw the bathroom light was on and then the door opened, I squinted my eyes as I tried to calm my breathing. "Amy, are you okay?" I gulped softly, "Y-Yeah, I'm sorry if I woke you." Lauren walked into my room, standing at the foot of my bed. "Do you want me to wake your mom? Or call someone?" I shook my head, "N-no it's ok, thank you." She nodded and went to leave, "What if I stayed with you? Just until you fell asleep," I thought about it, she was becoming my best friend so I didn't see why not. "If you're okay with it, I wouldn't mind." She nodded and climbed into my bed, we laid down and had enough room for a small child to lay between us. 

The bathroom light was still on, but I couldn't find myself to care. Lauren was supposed to be leaving, so it didn't bother me. I turned towards her, seeing her just looking at the ceiling. "I always wanted the glow-in-the-dark stickers, but Daddy said they were too childish." "You were a child, of course, they were childish." She laughed, it was quiet and soft. "Yeah, so I didn't get them. But I was able to live without them, I think I would love it if I had them in my room now." I turned onto my back and looked at them, "It's calm to look at them sometimes, not as calm as actually sleeping under the stars but close enough." She hummed and I felt myself drifting off, all I hoped was that I didn't dream about Reagan again. 
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The next morning my alarm went off, and I heard a groan from beside me. I ignored it and went to move, but whatever made the groan was holding onto me. I was able to turn it off and looked down, seeing messy blonde hair. Oh right, Lauren laid with me, but wait she was supposed to go back to her room. I looked at the bathroom and saw the light still on, I shook her a little. "Lauren get up, we have to get ready for school." She groaned and sat up, stretching her muscles. She rubbed her eyes before quickly getting out of my bed, "I did not mean to fall asleep here," I nodded, "I didn't think you did, it's okay Lauren. You just slept in my bed, I didn't think you did it on purpose." She nodded and looked at the bathroom. "I'm gonna get ready," I nodded and got up, she went to the bathroom and shut my door. I brushed my hair and grabbed leggings, I got undressed and put the leggings under the jeans and I put a flannel on over my shirt.

I was going to sweat my ass off, but it was worth it. No one could know. Once I heard Lauren was done I went and freshened up before heading downstairs. I grabbed an apple and my bag, put my shoes on, and headed outside. I heard quick footsteps behind me, "My car has to go into the shops today, can you take me to school?" I looked at her and nodded, we climbed in and I headed to Karma's. She climbed into the backseat, looking at Lauren confused. I didn't say anything and drove to school, parked, and got out.  

Karma got out and looked at my outfit, confusion being written on her face. "What's with the add-ons? It's like a hundred degrees today," I shrugged, "Just thought it needed a little touch," Lauren looked at me, I felt like she knew something that she shouldn't. Karma shrugged, "You're not gonna make it to lunch, you're gonna get heatstroke." I shook my head and we went inside. 

Of course, Karma was right, I messaged Lauren that I was heading home early and I would pick her up after school. She told me to wait, and I sat in my car, the AC blowing on me. Lauren climbed in the car and I started heading home, "Why did you wear that today?" "Like I said, I thought it needed a little touch." She laughed, "Since when do you care about what you look like?" I rolled my eyes, I didn't need this today. "I'm sorry it's such a fucking shock that I try! It was stupid, I get it! I'm going home instead of killing myself at school, I don't need to hear it." She looked at me, I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. "Are you done yelling?" I nodded, "I'm just saying, you never cared how you looked or what people thought of you. I like that about you, so don't go changing. You looked good today, but it was the hottest day this summer." 

I gripped the steering wheel, "If you wanted an excuse to see Reagan, almost having a heatstroke is not the way to do it." My lip quivered and I pulled into the driveway, I turned the car off and unbuckled before making my way inside quickly. I ran upstairs and locked my bedroom door, quickly changing my clothes. 

To Be Continued