A Hellish Tale of Redemption

The Hellish Board Meeting

Alarmed by Pink's revelation, Blue decided it was time for an emergency board meeting. In Retribution, this meant gathering around a table made of compressed screams, sitting on chairs that constantly tried to buck you off, and drinking coffee that tasted suspiciously like liquefied despair.

"Order! Order in the court of eternal damnation!" Blue bellowed, banging a gavel made of solidified regret.

The assorted demons, imps, and other nefarious entities quieted down, their eyes (those that had them) fixed on the two angels of hell.

"We face an unprecedented crisis," Pink began, pacing back and forth, her stilettos leaving smoldering footprints. "Humanity has become so adept at inflicting suffering that they're putting us out of business!"

A murmur of concern rippled through the assembled hordes. A particularly brave imp raised a gnarled hand.

"Yes, Pustule?" Blue acknowledged.

"Begging your pardon, your Malevolences," Pustule squeaked, "but isn't that a good thing? More suffering for all?"

Pink's eyes narrowed, and Pustule suddenly found himself transforming into a potted plant. A potted plant that could still feel pain.

"The point," Pink continued, as if there had been no interruption, "is that we're losing our edge. Our brand is at stake! We need to innovate, to create new and exciting forms of torment that these jaded souls haven't already experienced on Earth!"

Blue nodded sagely, accidentally dislodging his halo, which clattered to the floor and rolled away, grumbling obscenities.

"Pink's right," he agreed, trying to maintain his dignity. "We need to think outside the box. Or inside the box, if the box is filled with ravenous, perpetually starving wolverines."

The assembled denizens of hell leaned forward, eager to hear the plan that would reinvigorate their infernal realm.