After a few more seconds the boy seems to come out of his stupor and steps aside, giving me room to enter. I walk slowly into the space and hear the door close behind me. My eyes fall on a plate, on which rests a pile of broken glass, the remains of a memory that I know was precious to the boy. The frog prince still sits at the top, and I can't help but let my finger touch the remains of the snow globe. My heart sinks when I realize where the crashing sound heard when the royal family tried to force him to leave Hillerska came from. I feel anger rising as I imagine the scene, but quickly chase the feeling away. I'm tired of being angry, at Wilhelm for what he did to me, at the royal family for what they're doing to Wille, and at myself for feeling all these conflicting emotions.
I turn around and find Wille sitting on the edge of his bed. His look makes me understand that he will not initiate conversation tonight. So I take a deep breath and go for it.
“I was in the bathroom this afternoon.” I start, and his expression changes a bit, he raises an eyebrow, visibly confused. I sigh. "I heard noises. Crying noises, to be precise." I strike a pose, and now his shoulders drop in defeat, his eyes now avoiding mine. Yet while his body gives me every reason to think that I was not mistaken, he finally speaks. "I don't know, it must've been the wind"
It must've been the wind. It must've been the wind. It must've been the wind.
Wille's words echo in my head on the way home. They echo in my head throughout the night as I toss and turn in bed, unable to fall asleep. “Thanks for caring it's nice of you, but I think your ears are playing tricks on you” are the words he used to say “I don't wanna talk so please go away.” And I did so.
I know what I heard, and I know what I saw. I saw the boy I love sink, I saw him lose his shine and finally become as dark as a starless night. I saw him lose weight, I saw him let go of the last rope that kept him on the surface. The boy I love. No matter how much I hate this idea, tried to deny the feelings that he awakens in me, nothing helps, he remains that boy I know it deep inside of me, I'll always love.
🍃🍃🍃
The next day, during break, I go back to the bathroom and it starts again. The same noises as the day before, the same choked breaths. I go out before I really need it, but in class a few minutes later, it's the same vision as the day before. Wille appears with red eyes. Why doesn't anyone see it, why doesn't anyone do anything? Am I really the only one who cares about him for fuck's sake ?! There comes the anger again that squeezes my lungs. And I have to look away to dismiss the feeling once more.
The week passes, and day by day I can't help but go into the bathroom, to find out if the wind is still blowing. It does. A week, then two... Wille avoids my gaze, and I tried, oh I tried to be angry, before I was exhausted of it, I tried to convince myself that he was the reason for my pain, before realizing that the only thing responsible is in fact his absence.
It was at the end of the last day of the second week that I decided to return to his bedroom door. Three knocks on the door and there he is again standing in front of me. His gaze is fixed and he seems exhausted. I give him a smile that I hope is gentle enough to make him understand what I am unable to say. "I know what I heard, and what I've been hearing for two weeks now, cause yeah I've been staying with you in this damn bathroom every day since the first time, just to be sure you weren't really alone. I see you Wille. I.see.you."
Instead, I close my eyes for a moment and say "It's been pretty windy lately, isn't it?" Nothing. Silence. His eyes are locked into mine, after days of avoiding. Then a tear appears in the corner of his eye and rolls down his cheek. Then another, and another, and I see Wille burst into tears. I close the door behind me, take a few steps towards him and take him in my arms. His sobs shake his body and his fists clench the fabric of my sweater in my back.
After a few moments I let him go and take him to his bed. I lay back against the pillows and let him take a place in my arms. The wind continued to blow for many minutes -maybe hours? Who knows?- before coming down, then calm returned. For the first time in months, I close my eyes, Wille in my arms, his face lodged in the crook of my neck, and I think that, maybe tomorrow the sun will illuminate his face again.
