I can do it with a broken heart

~3~

I wake up to the sound of my alarm, that I set at 8 am. The audition was now two days ago, and I have been going to the studio every day from nine in the morning to nine in the evening, practicing everything I can think of and taking my usual classes to make my skills better for my next audition. 

I pull myself out of bed and walk to the bedroom to take a quick shower and wake up completely. I don't bother putting on makeup, since I'll probably just sweat if off dancing all day. I put on a pair of leggings with a longsleeve, throwing a hoodie over it before I walk back into my room and grab my dance bag, putting my dance shoes and my homework in it. I'm homeschooled, so I usually just do my work whenever I take a break at dance. I swing my bag around my shoulder and quickly run down the stairs. I grab my water bottle and fill it up, placing it in my bag together with an apple and an energy bar. 

I leave the house and lock the door behind me before I walk to the studio. My favorite room is free today, so I drop my stuff there and connect my phone with the speakers so I can start stretching. My muscles are feeling a bit sore today, I have always danced a lot, but never this much in a row. I decide to ignore it and just try to stretch through it. I have a couple old but hard choreos that I have been working on, so I just turn the music on and walk myself through it, focussing on sections that I lose my balance on or don't execute well.

Around 12 I take a break and pull my bag slightly to me. I grab the apple and my school supplies and knock out most of my work within an hour. I toss the core of the apple into the bin and get up again, this time focussing on a couple of turn sequences that haven't been working. I start to get pretty dizzy but just keep going until I fall down. I feel like I am about to pass out, so I quickly grab my water bottle and take a couple of deep breaths.

I realise I can't keep going like this without eating, so I pull the energy bar I brought out of my bag and start eating it. I also grab the last of my homework, knocking that out along with it. 

~

When I finish my homework I dance for about one more hour before I decide to call it a day and go home. I'm going to be here earlier tomorrow, because I want to be out of the house before my mom wakes up. I always try to be out of the house the day we get audition results, because my mom is completely unbearable on those days. 

I stop by the grocery store on my way home to get a little something for dinner. With the dizziness I was experiencing I know I have to eat something, but I also know my mom never would let me join at dinner. It's not like I'm not eating, I know my body, I know how little I can eat until my body just needs something and I know to have something when I dance, I'm not stupid, I'm just dieting, I have to be in perfect shape for auditions.

I arrive back home and try to make a run for it to my room, but my mom has me cornered. "Were have you been?" "I was at the studio, practising." "Good, you need it, maybe you won't disappoint me next time." It feels like a knife is piercing through my body again. "What have you been eating, you look bigger." Another knife. "I had an apple and an energy bar." Then she does something I didn't expect, she laughs. "Well when you keep eating like that no wonder you keep losing jobs." Another knife, but now I'm fighting against tears. "Just go to your room, I don't want to see you anymore."

I quickly do as she says and run upstairs. I drop my bag on the floor and sit down next to it against my bed. I try to keep myself from spiralling into a panic attack, but fail miserably. I place my hands next to me on the floor in an effort to keep myself steady. I feel the familiar pain in my chest and try to take a couple of deep breaths, which doesn't work. I feel my throat closing up and the shaking starts. I start using the box breathing technique, it usually works if I start quickly enough. I breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds and breathe out for 4 seconds. It doesn't completely work at first and I still breathe too quickly, but after a while I manage to calm myself down. 

I lean my head back onto my bed as I sit there, completely exhausted. Three days of dancing plus a panic attack will do that. I manage to pull myself off of the floor and grab my pyjama pants as well as a hoodie and walk into the bathroom. I jump into the shower and let the water run through my hair. As I'm washing my hair my eye falls on a razor lying on the edge of the shower. 

I haven't done that in a bit, I've been getting jobs, so it would hurt to dance in. I absentmindedly run my hands over my old scars on the inside of my thighs. Before I know what I'm doing I pick up the razor and break it apart. It doesn't matter, I just need a way to cope right now, I'm already a disappointment to everyone around me anyway. I feel the familiar pain as I pierce my skin and watch the blood flow down the drain. I start to cry again as the realisation that I relapsed kicks in. I quickly turn the water off and place the blade next to the broken parts of the razor. 

I dry myself off and grab some bandages out of the cabinet, I don't bother cleaning the cuts, because the water probably cleaned it enough already. I carefully wrap the bandages around my leg and secure them with some tape. I put my clothes on before I throw away the remnants of the razor. I should probably toss the blade with it, but I place it in the cup where I store my toothbrush instead.

I walk back into my room and wrap myself up in my blanket, not bothering to stop the tears streaming down my face. I connect my headphones to my phone and turn on some music, in an attempt to drown out the voices in my head.

~ 

I soon fall into a restless sleep, and just when I fall asleep properly, my alarm goes off. At first I want to turn it off, but quickly realise that I do in fact want to be out of the house today. I'm about to grab a pair of leggings, but realise that my thighs are still bandaged and it would be visible, so I grab some sweatpants and a tighter longsleeve top and put them on before throwing a hoodie over it. I walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth before packing my dance bag again. I run downstairs as quietly as possible and fill up my water bottle before grabbing an apple and an energy bar, stuffing the energy bar into my bag and eating the apple as I walk. 

I lock the door behind me and walk to a cafe close to the studio. I've decided to spend half my day doing schoolwork and spend the other half in the studio. I order myself an iced coffee and sit down at a table in the corner, grabbing my laptop out of my bag. I have quite a lot of schoolwork to do, so I just put some headphones in and get started on an essay for English.

~

After about two hours I finish the essay and turn it in. There's a test available, so I just get started on that next, which takes a little while.

When I finish the test, it has to load for a little while, because the program is checking my answers. Suddenly a message pops into my screen. 'Congratulations, you graduated!'

What? How? I look back at the test I just took and realise it was the final test for me to take before I finish the homeschooling program. I get an email which tells me that my diploma will be shipped to my house soon. I laugh to myself in shock. I knew I was far along in the program, but I didn't know I was this far.

"Hi Kiara!" Someone calls out and my head shoots up. "How are you?" She immediately continues. "I'm good, thanks for asking. How are you Taylor?" "I'm good too! Do you mind if I sit?" "No sure, go ahead."

The popstar smiles as she sits down on the chair across from me. "What are you doing?" "Oh-, uhm I just graduated." "What? Congratulations! How did you do that?" "I'm homeschooled and the program just gave me a test so I did it and apparently it was the very final test I needed to do." "Oh that's great! You don't have to do school anymore." "Yeah it's great, I have more time to practise now." "Yeah, but didn't you say you already danced 26 hours a week? Wouldn't that be to much." "Oh you know, there's always something that can be worked on, and I take breaks so it's fine." "Alright, just take care of yourself, don't overdo it hun." She smiles at me. "Look, I was just about to go to my office and start making the calls, but now that I have you here anyway," she starts, smirking a little. "I can tell you in person. Do you mind coming with me to my office? I don't want anyone overhearing just yet."