One-sided Love (A letter for you)

A Letter for you

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       After the picture, my friends and I went to buy some school supplies. They convinced me to get you a chocolate—a simple gesture of thanks. We couldn’t leave the school, so we bought a Cloud 9 bar from the school supplies store. I asked Erick, my gay friend, to give it to you. Watching from a distance, I held my breath, hoping for something, anything—a smile, a word, a glance. But you handed it off to your friend without a second thought.

        My heart, which had been soaring, crashed to the ground.
In that instant, I felt the earth shift beneath me, as everything I’d built in my mind crumbled into dust. I had assumed—stupidly—that you’d at least acknowledge the gift. But no. You didn’t even spare it a glance. You took it, barely touched it, and passed it off like it was nothing like I was nothing.

       That moment reminded me of another, when I was walking with Abby and we saw you. You called out to her, smiled at her, and said “Hello”. I was right there beside her, my heart waiting for something—anything—but you didn’t see me. Not even a flicker of recognition. Your friends seemed to know me as Dine’s friend or the girl who was always looking at you, but you? You looked right past me, just like you did with the chocolate.

That day, I told myself, "It’s time to stop. Stop liking him. Stop making a fool of myself." But my heart, stubborn and foolish, refused to listen. Once again, I was wrong…

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        Grade 10 came, and once again, we were placed at opposite ends of the same world—your room in ‘Malikhain’ and mine in ‘Mabait.’ It felt like destiny playing with me again, whispering, "Coincidence?" I thought that the summer break would wash away the feelings I had for you, that time and distance would finally free me from your grasp. But I was wrong.

        The moment I saw you again—those same shining eyes, that smile that could light up the darkest corners of my heart—I knew I was doomed… I still liked you.

      One day, we were in the computer lab for our T.L.E. class, working on visual graphic design. The vice president forgot to check attendance for our Filipino class, so she asked me to do it. Our Filipino teacher was your adviser, and I was told that you would be the one to collect the list. My heart raced as if the universe had handed me a chance on a silver platter. When you came to get the paper, our hands brushed for a brief moment. It was like touching a spark of electricity, a fleeting connection that made my pulse quicken.

        Then, there was that unforgettable moment in our Filipino class too. I was standing by the window, leaning against the frame, lost in my thoughts. I can’t remember if I had been scolded or was just daydreaming, but suddenly, the entire classroom fell into an eerie silence, the kind where even the air felt heavy with expectation.

       At first, I thought maybe the principal had entered, but when I turned around, I saw you.
You were there, your hand gripping the iron bars of the window near where I stood, your face leaning in as if the universe had decided to frame us in that small space between the glass. It felt like time had stopped. You looked at me, and I looked at you, with nothing but the window separating us.

      I could barely breathe. If my teacher hadn’t called out to me at that moment, I might have been frozen there, trapped in that perfect second where it felt like nothing else existed. Just you and me.

        I did everything I could to get your attention, even if it was in small, almost invisible ways. When we’d pass each other in the hallways, I’d avoid eye contact because Michelle, Janna, and Udisa would always scream your name, and the embarrassment was too much to bear.

       During the flag ceremony, our lines were side by side, but I barely got to see you because you were always busy practicing for Arnis. Still, every time I caught a glimpse of you—your smile, your eyes crinkling until they nearly disappeared, your focus while practicing—I couldn’t help but like you even more.