BEHIND HER SMILE

CHAPTER TEN

October had always felt like a warning to me, a month where everything began to unravel, where the world reminded me that nothing was permanent. The leaves finally falling off, leaving the trees exposed, stripped bare—it always marked something I despised. Endings. I never liked endings. But Mom used to say that sometimes, things needed to end, to take a cold rest, so they could bloom again. I wanted to believe her, I really did, but the truth is, not everything blooms again.

And that's what this October is for me: my time-out to brace myself for the coldness November might bring. I know what's coming, the inevitable. I take a deep breath, letting the chilled air scrape through my lungs, and push open the doors of the school. Students buzz around me, oblivious. Some were laughing, happy, others walking with heads down, sadness clinging to them like shadows. Some hung out in groups, others alone.

None of them know what life has waiting for them, lurking just behind the corner. They're caught up in their moments—worried about exams, relationships, maybe even the upcoming prom. Simple things, visible milestones. It's comforting to pretend that's all they have to worry about, to act like life only asks them to prepare for college acceptance letters.

But deep down, I know better. I always know better. Everyone is fighting a battle, hidden beneath the surface. The visible milestones, the proms, graduations, college? Those are just distractions. The real fights are never seen. They're buried beneath smiles, beneath sarcasm, beneath fake laughter. And my brain—my ruthless, logical brain—reminds me of this. Every. Single. Time.

It's a constant war inside me. The constant battle between my heart and brain. My heart? It whispers. It tells me to believe, to hope, to feel, to grasp at every fleeting moment of peace. But my brain? It always wins. It has to win. Because if I let my heart lead, even for a second, I'll break. If I lose control—if I lose my mind—my heart will collapse under the weight of everything I can't fix. And there's no coming back from that.

So no matter how hard it hurts, no matter how many times my heart begs to scream, to feel, to react—I don't have a choice. I push it down, swallow it whole. Breathe, Allison. Breathe.

Today felt different. I should've known the first day of October would bring something with it, the first sign of a spiral. The message I got from Knox this morning—it should've been a warning, a spark that ignited the storm I've been trying to outrun. Or Maddie, dragging me into some ridiculous blind date situation, as if forcing me into a normal teenage life could distract me from the countdown in my chest.

It's one of those days. One of those days where everything feels like it's coming apart at the seams. Where the start of the end begins, and I'm helpless to stop it. I'm not just walking into school; I'm walking into another battle. One that feels heavier, more final.

Christopher's voice cuts through my thoughts as I arrange my locker, "You're not your normal self today. Did something happen?"

I glance at him, offering a small smile. "It's October first... I don't like this season." The words feel hollow, a quiet admission of something deeper. He nods, standing there, but I can see it—the way he bites his lip, the tension in his posture. Something's eating at him.

"What is it, Christopher?" I ask, softer this time. "I know you want to tell me something."

Christopher has always been different from the others—my first real friend at this school. Maddie was easy; we came from the same world, same circle. But Christopher? His warmth and his reputation didn't need to extend to me, yet they did. That made his friendship special. Reece and I don't connect on that level, our conversations almost nonexistent. Blake doesn't trust me, and George... well, George is George. But Christopher, he's been a constant.