it all fell down

two- taylor

tw: mentions of cancer

Here we go again.

This isn't exactly my first redo with rehab either. It's honestly quite sad. I'm 22 years old and this is my second time in rehab. I've driven away anyone who tried to help. If anyone got too close to even try to suggest I had an issue with alcohol I would make it my life goal to drive them away. I didn't want to admit I needed help the first time. But it got to the point that my friends and boyfriend Joe threaten to get my mother involved. The next day I checked myself in voluntary. 

My mom is my best friend. I tell her everything. Everything but my alcoholism. She's dying of cancer. Between breast cancer, and a brain tumor things aren't looking too hot. She was right smack in the middle of chemo when my alcoholism was at its peak and I begged everyone in my circle to not say anything to my family, especially her. She didn't need to know her daughter was an alcoholic. That she drank so much she almost got kicked out of university because she drank too much, partied too much, failed almost all of her classes in one semester. My family worked too hard to pay for tuition for me to be a college drop out. 

I have dreams of making it into the music industry. As a singer, songwriter but if I can't, I would love to write songs for other artists to perform or even produce music.  Music is my outlet for me fully let loose and express every single thought in my head. I could spend hours writing different songs, as well as playing piano or guitar. It was my health coping mechanism when the world felt too much. Then came alcohol. 

I was a casual drinker even before turning 21. I mean who isn't. Especially in college when there are parties, frats, bars. I had it under control. Nine times out of ten, I was the designated driver. I would have one drink at the start of the night then I would cut myself off. Then somewhere down the line my one drink rule turned into someone else can drive which then turned into getting shit face drunk every single night. It got to the point where I couldn't go a day without a drink. Any sort of alcohol. I needed something. I would go to class, I got a drink. Did my assignments on time that's another drink. Want to go out to the bars? Sure, I would love to!

It got to the point where I wasn't enjoyable to be around. I couldn't even function without alcohol in my body. That's when I got invited out less and less. With no one wanted to go out with me, I got to spend more and more time with Joe. Joe was always down to have a drink which probably didn't help when I was borderline. I was also miserable. When I was miserable I can drink. When I was happy I can drink. When I was sad, drinking. I was drinking so much, it's all I did. No drink, I was a monster. Drinks kept me and my temper at bay. 

I am about a week into treatment. I had a detox when I first arrived and I forgot how horrible it was. The headaches, shakiness, insomnia. It was horrible. I am trying to put my best step forward and fully start over and be ready to accept what I had done for a second time and reach out for forgiveness. The forgiveness part is the toughest part of the program. Having to write a letter of what I wanted to say to those I directly hurt during my drinking binges. To be that open and vulnerable in front of everyone. To fully feel the tears stream down my face and accept what I had done and accept that not everyone will be able to forgive. That's why this is always towards the end of treatment. It's one of the last steps before you are discharged. Typically when your therapist feels you've learned from the choices made and you forgive yourself that's when you reach out. 

As I am getting ready for the day, I hear my favorite nurse Cassie knock on my room.

"Good morning Taylor." Cassie greeted to me.

"Hi Cass." I greet back. I was fixing up my hair, deciding to just leave it be. It wasn't knotty so I didn't need to brush it. 

"How are you feeling today?" She asks. "Can we talk for a second?" Guiding me to the bed.