Absolution | +18

Chapter 47

Silas

Everything spun around me, the dimly lit corridors of the Underground blurring as I stumbled forward, barely able to keep myself upright. My muscles burned with every step, but the pain wasn't enough to numb the storm raging in my head. My body was weak from the sickness, my fever still clawing at my mind, making it hard to think, hard to focus. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the guilt eating me alive.

I hurt her.

The memory replayed over and over in my mind like a sick joke. The way her eyes had widened in fear, the sound of her voice choking out my name, the way my hands had wrapped around her throat as if she were my enemy. But she wasn't. Not anymore. She was... everything. And I'd nearly destroyed her.

I stumbled, catching myself against the cold stone wall, my breath coming in short, labored gasps. Every fiber of my being wanted to break down, to stop, to just collapse and let it all fade away. But I couldn't. Not yet. I needed to make this right, somehow. I deserved whatever came next. For what I did to her, I deserve to suffer.

My whole life, I had trained myself to feel nothing. No weakness, no emotion. I had become stone, cold and impenetrable. But then Val came along, breaking through every wall, every defense I'd built. She made me feel—anger, fear, something I didn't even want to name. And now, because of that, everything was falling apart. The walls I'd spent years building around my mind were crumbling, and I was powerless to stop it.

And now this sickness... it made everything worse. Every time I closed my eyes, the nightmares came rushing in. The ghosts of my past, the faces of the people I couldn't save. My family. I could still see them, the way they looked at me in their final moments, accusing me, blaming me. The weight of it all had been too much then, and it was too much now.

I couldn't go back to her. Not after what I'd done. Not after the way I lost control. She was better off without me. But I couldn't live with myself either, not like this, not knowing what I'd done. That's why I had to fight tonight. I needed to be punished. I deserved whatever The Underground threw at me.

I staggered forward again, the edges of my vision darkening as I forced myself to keep moving. Every step felt like it might be my last, but I welcomed the pain, welcomed the exhaustion. I needed to feel it. I needed the fight, the violence. Maybe in the ring, I could finally silence the voices, drown out the memories. Maybe I could atone for everything I'd done by letting them break me.

Because in the end, I couldn't break Val. But I could break myself.

I tightened my grip on the wall as another wave of dizziness washed over me, my body screaming for me to stop, to rest. But I ignored it. I didn't deserve rest. I deserved punishment. For her. For all of them.

And I wouldn't stop until I got it.

I stumbled down the hallway, each step dragging me closer to the roar of the crowd, to the main area of the Underground. The noise grew louder, echoing off the stone walls, and I could feel the vibrations beneath my feet. It was the same as always—the low hum of excitement, the anticipation of violence, the buzz that electrified the air before the blood was spilled.

I pushed through the last door and entered the viewing area, the spot where everyone gathered to watch, to bet, to cheer, and to see men tear each other apart. The arena was already packed, figures leaning over the railings, their faces a blur in the dim lighting. But I could feel their eyes on me. They didn't know it yet, but tonight they wouldn't just be witnessing another fight. They might be watching my downfall. My demise.