To Pretend

Aoi

Being in the public eye should've been something Aoi was used to. She's the Ultimate Swimmer and that comes with publicity.

From a young age, she had been winning competitions and earning medals and, having been a member of her school's junior swim team as a child, her talent got noticed.

Which was great! Really, truly great except for the fact she constantly had eyes on her. People looked at her when she swam and they all had thoughts. And the worst part is, it has only gotten worse as she's gotten older.

When she was small, those who would make nasty comments about her were shamed - told that what they were doing was unacceptable. But after a certain age, it all changed. No longer was Aoi defended with the same ferocity because what was said became fine to say to a 'young woman'.

In every coverage of any of her events, people would post and comment and judge just about everything. What she'd wear, how she'd wear it, how her body looked: all was a free for all to tear apart.

She's not the only one, she knows. Aoi bets that some people have it worse than her - if Sayaka were still alive, it could've been something they would bond over. Maybe Aoi would've asked for advice on how to better ignore it.

She's kidding herself - she would have never asked for advice then. Because she thought she had it under control, everything was fine, she was managing; managing everyone's expectations for her, managing her own expectations, managing her weight.

She didn't really realise it was destructive. Because it had been because of her swimming, she had thought it was fine. She liked how she looked. She didn't fixate on the numbers on the scale. She didn't calorie count.

That made it fine, right?

Mondo was right: Aoi has a problem. She wants to be able to eat until she no longer feels hungry without the crushing guilt that comes with, wants to be able to eat in the daytime instead of hiding it away at night.

It won't be easy, of course. Nothing good in life ever is.

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That morning at breakfast, she eats almost as much as she wants too. Before taking an extra scoop of rice or another slice of toast, she hesitates but overall, she feels great afterwards.

Nobody had noticed that she was eating more. Or maybe it was just that nobody had cared. And it felt amazing.

Small correction, it had felt amazing.

Makoto had asked Chihiro for salt and she had passed pepper instead - that was funny. And riding the high of good feelings that morning, Aoi couldn't help but laugh. She wasn't sure if she was the first to laugh but with how close it all was, it probably doesn't matter.

Almost everyone is smiling and laughing and usually that would have been enough but Sakura is sat next to her and Aoi can't help but notice Sakura's voice isn't one in the cacophony of laughter so she looks up at her friend.

Sakura isn't smiling. If anything, she seems concerned. Aoi follows Sakura's line of sight which leads her gaze to Chihiro.

Chihiro, whose eyes and cheeks have flushed red in the way they do before she cries. Her eyes are watery and she seems devastated.

Aoi wants to go and talk to her, reach out and ask what's wrong but Chihiro leaves before she can.

It's probably for the best anyway. If Aoi can barely sort her own problems out, how can she help with someone else's?

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Aoi still can't help but ask after Chihiro though. So, she goes to Mondo because frankly, she isn't sure whether Chihiro has any close friends or not and Mondo is the closest she can think of.