Reflection

September 23, 2024

I don't know why I wanted to suddenly start writing this like a diary. I've tried writing diaries many times, but always gave up. I felt embarrassed being discovered and could never be truly honest. Even when I try, I hid the most important thoughts and wrote trivial things I would never remember.

I think I have an inferiority complex. Which always made me lie and pretend to be something I'm not. To be better. To know more. To have more.

It was like I was trying to look down on everyone to prove I'm better and more than them. Looking back on my past behavior, I feel like I was an asshole to my friends and everyone around me.

I don't know if they knew or pretend they didn't know and went along with it. It only makes me feel more pathetic now that I try to remember upon it.

It was like everything they knew about me was built on lies. And those lies were all based on other people's real life experience.

What money? What party? What experience? What hacking? I spoke to them like I knew everything and had experience doing it, but I don't. I was retelling another's life. Not mine.

Actually, I never knew or kept up with the latest trend. I couldn't understand it or find interest in it. When I saw everyone around me do it, it felt awkward. I felt embarrassed. But when I wanted to try, I felt even more embarrassed because I did it with unfamiliarity and made mistakes.

Just looking at me, I think everyone knew I never did it before and knew I was lying when I said that's how my sister does it.

It's always a sister or a friend, right? Yeah. They definitely knew it was me but pretend not to know.

I'm actually very introverted. I spent 4 years not stepping out of my house once and I actually feel proud about it.

Although the problem is bigger than being introverted. I was actually depressed and wanted to isolate myself from the world. I felt shame and deep self hatred.

I don't even know how many times I thought: "I'll live for as long as I can and then just die."

My thoughts were selfish and stupid.

To be honest, I still have those thoughts.

And I think about them every so often.

Every time I remember, my thoughts spiral into endless nonsense.

Do I fear death? Why didn't I die before? Why am I like this? Am I the problem?

Yes. I'm the problem. I wasn't scared of death, I was scared of pain. But I was also selfish.

At that time when I first cut myself, the thoughts weren't immediately about death. It was "will anyone notice?"

Did anyone notice? No.

Was it because it was too shallow? Did I hide it too well? Did they actually see but didn't say anything?

Did they actually wanted me dead this whole time?

I don't know. I couldn't find the answer and still can't now.

I was scared for a moment... and then didn't try to hide it.

I felt resentment and showed it off instead.

I walked around trying to see if anyone will see it and sometimes deliberately show it.

"Hey. Guess if this is makeup or real?"

I told my friend.

It was laughable... and pathetic.

Even during physical education class where we war to run or walk laps. I intentionally rolled up my sleeves and showed it openly.

But what did I hear behind me?