Diary

November 7, 2024

I have a lot of things I want to say but don't know how to organize my thoughts.

It's 4:23am and my thoughts are jumping back and forth on what to say.

Honestly. Reflection was suppose to be about writing about myself, my problems, and try to change.

Although I don't know how affective it'll be to try to change when I know deep down I don't want to and try to resist the change.

I want to talk about how I always try to be the victim in my situation or how I'm actually a coward who thinks I'm brave because I did a few things that were just a bit braver than others around me.

But then I want to talk about my family.

The more I think about it the more my views are shattered.

I always thought I was the heartless one and unfilial...

But my older sister gave me a shock.

I don't understand how she could say to our mother: "You are not my mom!"

And the reason given is that my mom is poor.

What poor? Why don't I see it?

To me, the three of us were like triplets.

It's hard to explain. But I thought after all these years we've been together and have gone through, our relationship was very deep.

My mother, my older sister, and me.

Just us three as true family that could tell each other anything and trust.

So how did it become like this?

I don't know...

Do I feel regret or guilty for the 4 years I shut myself inside my room and didn't want to communicate with anyone?

Was it my fault because I avoided everyone during the day and only come out when everyone is asleep?

I don't know and I'm confuse.

I'm mainly confuse because I can't feel that feeling strongly. It feels more like what I think I should feel about it but don't.

My sister seemed to have changed after I started coming out.

She wasn't as kind, thoughtful, or gentle.

And the change happened after she met her husband.

...From here on, I truly don't know what to say or how to be involved because I feel more like an outsider than anything else.

I feel like I don't have the right to speak at all.

But after I came out of my room and started meeting and talking to my family, I started to sometimes sit and talk or just listen for an hour or two with my mom.

And then... I just feel like there's too many conspiracies. Complicated thoughts and too much gossip.

I never thought I would one day feel so naive and simple... my thoughts felt more straightforward and clear than the people around me.

The only reason I even understood the situation or kept up with the conversation is because I read too many novels and watch the YouTube  channel  RottenMango.

Then I'm told by mom that I'm smarter than my sister and can see the situation clearly...

But the problem is... I feel so frustrated and can't understand why everything is so complicated. Why can't we all just be honest and say what the problem is.

Then my mom said that she has evidence and kept recordings of conversations and screenshots of text messages. But she endured and kept silent because she loves my sister.