Picking Up The Pieces

Chapter 2

TW: mentions of self harm, panic attacks and body-shaming thoughts

Katrina nods her head, too scared to verbally respond.

"Great! Choose any chair. I'm just going to have a quick chat with Janet. While you get comfortable." Dr. Nauss says while shifting between the 2 rooms before finally exiting the room and shutting the door.

The doctor didn't come back in the room for at least 15 minutes.

In the meantime, the young woman sat in a rocking chair a few feet from the door. She felt like she couldn't breathe without disrupting something in this disaster of a room. There were adult colouring books and notebooks sprawled across the table in front of her, markers in small tubs all around the table.  She tried to take deep breaths to combat the anxiety attack she had felt coming on. But to no avail, she couldn't stop the tears once they started again. Disoriented, she grabbed a black marker and the first notebook she could find and started to do the only thing that she knows of to calm her down; writing. She wrote until she felt the tears dry and by that point she had written a full blown poem. Dr. Nauss came back into the room just as her breathing started to even out. Dr. Nauss stood at the door for an extra 5 minutes, trying to not disrupt his patient until she regulated herself. As soon as Katrina set the marker down, he entered the room fully.

"Wow Katrina, I'm amazed at how quickly writing can calm you down. Would you let me read what you wrote?" Too caught off guard by the doctor's sudden appearance, she handed him the book.

'Katrina, you need to stop that pity party. You aren't even that ill!'

Says my mother who always brushes my concerns off as anxiety.

'Mommy that lady has a moustache!'

Shouts a child while passing by on the street.

'Be thankful that you never have to be pregnant!'

Says my coworker who is pregnant with twins.

'You're not balding... It's fine...'

Says my friend who is obviously lying to me.

'I want a divorce'

Says the man who I cannot conceive a child for.

"Katrina, this is very emotional writing. Do you often write poetry about your struggle with PCOS and having a hysterectomy?" 

At this point, Dr. Nauss has made the nervous young lady a little less timid.

'His voice is quite calming, it's very soft.'

She was too anxious at the start of her appointment to even notice how gentle his voice is.

"No, not really."

"Well I think we could explore that in our later sessions. I will refer you to a support group for people with PCOS run by Constance Hatt, you must attend these meetings once a week until I say you don't have to, but of course you can continue with them if you want."

"Am I able to go home yet?" She timidly asked, afraid of the answer.

"No, not yet."

Kat looks down in disappointment.

"I want to make sure you aren't going to attempt to hurt yourself again, let's try another evaluation in 1 month's time. You'll have 4 meetings under your belt by that time, I want to start seeing some improvement by then. The nurses say you haven't eaten more than a couple spoonfuls of food everyday since you got here a week ago, can you tell me why?"

Kat stops and goes silent, unable to fully trust this man she just met. She trusted a man once and now she's in the process of a messy divorce.

"Okay Katrina, I'm here to listen when you're ready to share. But for right now, I think we can end the session here, I will get Janet to walk with you back to your room."

Despite being disappointed that she can't go back to the real world, Kat still manages to mutter a small "Thank you, Doctor."

And with that, Dr. Nauss pulls out what Kat thinks is a work phone, and starts texting someone on there. A few moments later there's a knock and Janet stands in the doorway.

"Come on dear." Janet ushers a hopeless Kat back to the waiting room, nothing has really changed except for the fact the garbage can has a new bag in it and is put back in its original spot.

  Kat notices the way her paper clothes sound as her thighs rub together while walking down the hall back to her room.

Swish, swish , swish, swish

'Of course my fat thighs have to rub together!'

It drives her mad. She feels the anger building up inside her.

'God! I just want to rip these stupid paper clothes off, they won't stop me from hurting myself once I'm out of here!'

She wants to lose it, but she can't, she has to seem healthy if she wants to get out of this place. So Kat pushes her emotions into the deep dark part of her brain, she locks them away and pretends everything is fine. She's used to doing this, pretending everything is fine. She had to pretend her marriage was fine during her ex's business trips, after all he's the boss and she was just his chubby wife who was too much of an embarrassment to go with. 

'That's probably why he decided to start sleeping with his young, skinny, almost model-like assistant.'

The bitterness of the thought made Kat want to gag. She doesn't like putting others down because she is insecure, but sometimes the thoughts come out of the dark place in her mind, creeping out like a black vile fluid that is rolling under the locked door. Kat tries her hardest to be understanding of why others do the things they do. But is doesn't always make sense, like, why would her husband sleep with a woman who is 10 years younger than them? And did she know he was married? Did she sleep with him anyways? God, why did he have to sleep with her? He knew Kat would've gladly given him a child if she was able to.

Suddenly the pair stopped walking, the swishing abruptly stopped as well. Kat felt the heat of embarrassment wash over her face. She loathes these paper clothes.

"Okay dearie, I'll leave you be now. If you need anything please don't hesitate to ask for help, the nurses are just down the hall." Janet said in her accent that Kat still hasn't put a finger on yet.

Kat felt all the anger and sadness from before wash away just as quickly as it came.

"Thank you, Janet." Kat appreciates Janet and she just hopes the message is relayed in her voice.

"Of course. Now get some rest, you've had a rough go today, but tomorrow is a new day."