Back To You

Prologue

Jax
Stockton state prison
Stockton, California
June 3rd, 2014
3:50pm

Two years. Two long years on death row. Confined to a six by eight foot cell for 23 hours a day, with nothing but time to reflect. No one but my conscience to keep me company. The first year was brutal, because all I could do was think about how I was going to die in here when the state of California saw fit for me to. But somewhere along the line, I learned to make peace with it. I had to. There was no other choice. I was in here, and I wasn't getting out. Not alive at least.

I started journaling and I think that helped. It was a way to get my thoughts out, when I didn't have anyone to vent to, and I wrote about everything. My fears, my regrets, the memories that haunted me. At first, it was messy, chaotic scribbles about the club, about Gemma, about Jess, and how proud I was that she'd joined the military. How she had made it out of Charming, and made something of herself. Last Gemma told me, she was stationed out in Florida, I think. She was doing well, rising through the ranks, focused. I hadn't seen or heard from her in almost a year though.

As the days dragged on, and I got deeper into writing, it turned into something else. I began writing about the life I could never have, the mistakes I'd made as far as how I dealt with Clay, and how I'd let him slip through my fingers. It helped. It was the only way I could stay sane.

And then there was her.... Elise.

I wrote about her more than I'd like to admit, as she was always on my mind, no matter how hard I tried to push thoughts of her away. Back when Gemma and the guys first started to come visit me, they would utter her name and I would cut them off, making it clear that I didn't want updates on her. I didn't want to know if she had moved on, or if she'd found someone new. It would break me. And that was the last thing I wanted to do in here.

But I couldn't stop wondering. Was she happy? Had she found peace? Was she with somebody? If she had moved on, I hoped she'd found the kind of love and life that I could never give her. She deserved it... Deserved better than the life I dragged her into, better than the mess I left behind. But it hurt. Fuck, it hurt to think about her with someone else.

The rest of my days were spent trying not to lose myself in the thoughts of what was to come. I worked out until my muscles burned, read books I never would've touched outside of here, and tried to block out the sounds of the prison... Fights breaking out, guards barking orders, the constant clanging of metal doors.

Sometimes, I found myself thinking about the club. Wondering how Chibs was handling things. If they were still fighting to hold it together or if everything had fallen apart. I wasn't there to lead them anymore, and I knew they wouldn't tell me if anything was wrong during visits. So all I could do was hope they'd figured out a way to move forward. That they were able to maintain and keep their heads above water without me.

The door to my cell clanged open, and a guard stood in the doorway. "Time for yard."

I nodded, standing up and stretching. Yard time was the one hour of the day where I could get some air, and ground myself. The guard slapped the cuffs on me, leading me down the corridor while the other inmates watched from their cells. Some shouted insults, others just stared. I didn't react anymore. Not like I would have back in the day. There was no point.

The yard was nothing special. Just a concrete slab surrounded by high walls and razor wire. But it was open, and the sky stretched above me, reminding me that there was still a world out there, even if it was one I'd never see again.

I took a seat at one of the benches, and leaned back, staring up at the sky. Letting my mind drift back to Charming. To the life I'd left behind. To Elise. I hoped that wherever she was, what ever she was doing, that she was living her life, happy, free, and in love, even though it killed me to know it would never again be with me.