20 september
so hi i know I'm technically not writing this to anyone but yk still so basically I'm just going to go straight into it I've been struggling and it has gotten better it really has my friends and family found out about my sh and i got help and i was feeling better or i was pretending to i still feel so numb all the time like my feelings are just a mask I'm putting on and all this is starting to go downhill again and I'm slowly slipping back into that hole that i worked so hard to get out of the urge to sh is back and really , really strong and the urge to starve myself and count my calories is back and I've been skipping meals and eating nothing but gum and water ( shity i know ) and i hate this and i can't stop thinking about how i just want to end it all and just kill myself and that thought is all ways there and i hate this i hate everything and i swear if i wasn't so ugly everything would be better like why the fuck did i have to be so ugly and so stupid to like first of all i have acne , glasses and I'm going to need braces so social suicide here i come i guess like god damn fugly looking ass and I'm bellow where i need to be in math's and if so fucking awkward like what the fuck and I'm such a nerd yet I'm not smart so like how does that work like I'm reading such nerdy books and i play the fucking cello and yeah i enjoy that's stuff but like why could i like normal shit also I'm queer so you know that's just fucking great if i couldn't get any worse like for some reason i have no problem with anyone else being gay but i do have a problem with being gay myself weird i know like why the fuck did i have to born such and freak , why did i have to born at all i swear one day I'm just going to end it and the wort part is i don't even have a future plan after my twenty cause i just plan to kill myself like yay more shittyness and i hate school so much like there is no point of me going cause I'm so ugly and stupid that all my friends will eventually leave me and I'm not learning anything cause I'm so fucking stupid so like genuinely what is the point what the fuck is the point of anything i really just want to end it all so badly and i swear to god no one would miss me cause i such a freak it would just be a joy to everyone and then no one would have to deal with me and i wouldn't be a burden anymore i all this shit would be over and i wish may past attempts had worked so i didn't have to be here and i whish i died at birth i just fucking hate everything and i see no point and i know I'm going to die alone cause no one will ever like me so I'll just die miserable , ugly , stupid and alone and you know what i swear I'll be dead before thirteen and I'm not telling anyone this cause i don't want to be any more of a bother or a burden than i already am so don't get attached cause I'll be dead by the end of this year and to my friends and family if you find this I'm sorry for being a burden and i hope your happy now and I'm sorry for being so ugly .
