P vs. P Always Keep It P. Perspective Vs. Perception

Chapter 1: How Did We Get.....Here?

I sat here for what felt like hours trying to figure out how to even start just this first line. I went back and forth in my mind on if I felt "smart enough" just to come up with some damn story about what's going on in MY mind. How does that even work? How in the world am I not smart enough to write what's in my own damn head? That's when I realized, instead of just trying to come up with some idea that relates to what's going on in my head; why not just write what's literally in my head? So, I'm not sure if you're here by choice or if you're one of my lovely friends and family that I called up blabbing about some book I got inspired to write at three a.n. and basically begged you to please download a whole app just to read about the same shit I talk about everyday... either way, I'm glad you're here and thank you for being open to My Thoughts/My Journey.

The whole point in me even wanting to write this book is one, I plan on starting a podcast, two I have way too much free time, and three I'm not sure if the oh so lovely Miss Mary Jane has managed to rob me of my last brain cells... I'm more high than literate these days and that's a problem for me. OH, and four! I talk.. a LOT. About everything honesty. Don't get me wrong, I have people to talk to, but I really want to talk to people. I want to really take what's going on in my head, and prove to myself that I am capable of turning all this rumble jumble going on in this melon of mine, into something great. Sometimes I feel like I know and resonate with way too much. I can talk about certain things for hourrrrs, literally. After while though, it just makes sense to write all this shit down.

If I were to explain my brain myself, I'd tell you how crazy it is in here, how loud it is, how dramatic it is, how creative it is, how it can literally have three different conversations going on at once, and other what I thought was normal human tingz. Now, if a three degree having therapist were to try to explain this, they might say some shit like "Oh, well here's a list of mental illnesses that we're going to throw your way and if you flip the page there's a list of some pretty expensive medicine that you can try to take, that may or may not have symptoms worse than what you even came in here for, also there's another paper under that that explains your payment plans for the next six months..... which may be longer than six months depending on how bad these dru- I mean medicine messes you up. Sound good? Awesome!"
Ehh, I wish they we're that real, but you get the point.

Don't get me wrong though, I've definitely went and sat my ass down in front of a couple doctors. Only because I found myself just looking for the extra confirmation that I'm not actually insane and really just a young girl who was not taught certain humanly necessary things. Ex. Emotional Intelligence. What stopped me from going to therapy? Well, besides the outrageous stack of bills that I literally had to decide just was not worth my weeks dinner... it was the fact that I realized I was looking for the confirmation of something that I already knew. I know I'm not insane, but I definitely understand that I'm not just no regular smegular girl either.

I'm not like most of my family, which is the story of most our lives if you was born after '95. I wouldn't necessarily put myself in the same category as these "Gen Z" cats (even though I fall right in the damn pot based off that wack ass timeline), but I also wouldn't put myself as a Millennial either. Does that count? Did I just force myself into my own group? Well, it is my world so. Just kidding. Kinda.
Anyways, back to what I was saying. I'm not like most people in my family, my age, hell I don't think I'm like anybody long story short. I could sit here and go down some mediocre pick me Ass list about how "I'm not like these others girls cause I don't wear makeup and don't like the club" but nah, I'm not talking about that. Plus I love the club. I'm talking deeper though. Mentally.
Want to know what turns me on? Probably not but I'm going to tell you anyways. Mental stimulation. Learning, meditation, music, silence, growth. It does something to me, the sad thing is though. I'm JUST NOW realizing. And honestly, I have to take that "sad thing" back. I told myself in this new journey I'm on, that I need to stop viewing the faults in things and start just being grateful for whatever's handed to me. And as much as it kinda annoys me that I wish I would have known I was That Bitch a little ways back, I'm more than thankful for God/The Universe opening up my mind and heart when it was time for me to.