What is to be... Torn between Two Worlds

Chapter 5

I stand outside Ridwan's front door, my heart pounding in my chest. I adjust the strap of my bag on my shoulder, trying to calm myself. I know I need to talk to him face-to-face—these text messages aren't getting us anywhere. I knock, and after a moment, Ridwan opens the door. His expression is a mix of surprise and that guarded look I've come to recognize.

"Hey, Mari. Didn't expect you to drop by," he says, leaning against the doorframe.

"I figured we needed to talk," I reply, forcing a smile as I step inside.

We move to the living room, and I notice Ridwan's usual relaxed demeanour is gone. He seems more tense than usual. I sit down on the couch, my hands clasped tightly together.

"About last night..." I start, trying to keep my tone calm. "I didn't mean to come off that way. It's just—seeing you with those girls—"

Ridwan shifts in his seat, avoiding eye contact. "Mari, you're making it a bigger deal than it is. They're just... friends."

I lean forward, feeling my frustration bubble up. "Then why does it feel like I'm the only one trying to make sense of whatever this is between us?"

He exhales, rubbing the back of his neck. "You're reading into things too much. There's nothing to worry about."

I feel my irritation rise. "Nothing to worry about? Then why do I feel like you're always holding something back? One moment, you act like you want more, and the next, you're distant. It's like I'm chasing shadows."

He avoids my eyes, his expression tight. "I'm just... trying to figure things out."

"Figure things out?" I repeat, incredulous. "You've been 'figuring things out' for months. Are you going to tell me what's really on your mind, or are we just going to keep circling around this?"

He sighs, glancing away. "I don't know what to say, Mari. It's complicated."

"That's the problem, isn't it? You keep saying it's complicated but never explain why. You're not giving me the truth."

His silence speaks volumes, and I shake my head, the weight of unspoken words between us too heavy to ignore.

"I came here for clarity," I say, standing up, "but it's clear you're not ready to be honest with me—or maybe even yourself."

I walk toward the door and I hear Ridwan's footsteps behind me. "Mari, wait—"

But I don't wait. I step outside and close the door behind me, feeling a strange sense of relief mixed with sadness.

Back in my room, I throw my bag onto my bed and flop beside it, staring up at the ceiling. The conversation with Ridwan replays in my mind, each word echoing louder than the last. His indecision, his cryptic responses—it all swirls together, leaving me feeling drained.

I think about Ryden for a moment. He's been nothing but straightforward and genuine. There's something refreshing about that. I wonder what it would be like to know him better to get past the surface level of our conversations at work. What's behind that playful grin and those intense eyes? Maybe I've been too focused on trying to make things work with someone who's only half in it. Ridwan calling me "too nice" keeps repeating in my head, like a record stuck on a bad note. It's as if my kindness is a flaw, something to avoid or tiptoe around.

"What if I took a chance on something different?" I think to myself. "What if I got to know someone who isn't afraid of me being... me?"

I'm not thinking about jumping into anything new, not with Ryden or anyone. But maybe there's room to explore a different connection—one where there's no guessing game, no second-guessing every move. I'm curious about what kind of person he is beyond the workplace, beyond the casual conversations we have. I let out a deep sigh, feeling a strange mix of nerves and excitement. I don't want another complication, but there's something about the idea of getting to know Ryden that feels... right. Not a full-fledged attraction, but a spark, a curiosity. And maybe that's enough for now.