Ever since I was a kid I have always heard of the phrase how love is the purest thing in the whole world, but they have never seen how a heart can break into fragments when to leave someone for the sake of Allah.
To lay on the prayer mat after begging for more time with them, to be given strength to let go of the soul that has been so adhered to mine because I don't think there would ever be a time when I could say that I was ready to let someone so precious go. Its enough to break the strongest of people, a test. What do you know about love? What does a mere girl like me know about love, how to love when all I have ever learnt was aggression and violence?
How could I possibly know it was love when as a child instead of the gentle touches of a caress on the cheek it was a faded blemish?
In another universe, I know I end up marrying you. In another universe where it isn't seen as abysmal for my kind, then we could live in a house with big windows which would reveal the unambiguous sun every morning or the dreary skies on a rainy one.
I still remember the day before I left, how our eyes puddled with tears and how our fingers were hesitant to let go off each other. I held on to you tighter, felt your warm breath against my cheeks. Its as if time had slowed itself, the sound of the raindrops got quieter, it felt as though nothing else existed at that moment, just me and you, souls intertwining as I placed my lips perfectly onto your cupid shaped ones.
"50,000 years before the sky was introduced to the sea, Allah Azza Wajjal wrote down your name next to someone else." How do I live knowing the love of my life's name was written next to someone else's because you were never meant to be mine?
If I had the opportunity to be able to pray to Allah for you to be my naseeb, I would cling on to every chance but in this universe its not possible because you're just a girl, like me.
"I hope we can reunite in jannah" I told you and you said to me that it would take 10 thousand years but I am willing to wait for you.
The dead of night and the dreary skies are very familiar with your name, so are all of my cats. There hasn't been a single day where your name went unuttered in my namaz. My chest get heavier by the day as I am crowded by the fear of forgetting how you sound like, how warm your body felt underneath mine. My heart can never stray away from you, I can barely call my heart mine because its so full of you. I don't think my heart can bear the absence of you, my love.
Its just a test, I'll reunite with her in Jannah one day, I comfort myself. My heart knows what it wants, my lips know what to say the second I raise my hands to pray to Him. Its always going to be your name for I'm not able to love again after this. I go to sleep every night convincing myself that it was the right thing to do to leave you in the care of Allah, convincing myself it that its better this way because I cannot live knowing I have not only robbed you of your supposed path, but I have also robbed you of your Jannah. I can only to pray to Allah that He eases you off the pain that I have so caused you and bestow you with something even greater.
