When Naomi returned to Bethlehem she asked others to call her Mara which means bitter. She was bitter with life. She was old and without any hope of remarriage. She had lost both her children to death and had nothing to live for except for a stubborn daughter-in-law who refused to leave her alone. We do not know what prompted Ruth to accompany Naomi to Bethlehem. It is definitely a testament to her loyalty to her wedding vows. Nonetheless, a major guiding factor that may have led to her actions could be Naomi's desolation.
Naomi's life gives us several pointers as to how not to deal with our grief.
The first thing that Naomi did was that she turned her grief into a label. When she calls herself Mara, she is turning her mourning into her identity. Often times we get so used to being miserable that it becomes a lifestyle rather than a situation. The same was happening with Naomi. Grief does not mean that we become negligent of our duties and responsibilities. We need to understand grief as a part of our lives and overcome it through hope, faith and perseverence. Naomi did not believe that her life could ever become better again. She was bitter to the point where she refused hope and faith.Naomi focussed on her loss as the only prominent thing in her life. She idolised her loss in a sense and refused to acknowledge any of the good things happening in her life beyond it. Naomi failed to focus on the fact that the famine which drove them out of Israel was over. Naomi failed to register that she had gained a daughter in Moab, a daughter whom she had not birthed. We need to always keep our focus on the blessings of God, more in times of adversity than in prosperity. In times of prosperity it is easy to label ourselves blessed but during adversity it is those blessings that give us the strength to carry on.Naomi abandoned Ruth when she was in need of introduction to those in whose eyes she could find favour. The fact that she ended up in the field owned by Boaz is a coincidence in itself which Naomi later acknowledges. Grief takes away our capacity to think and act. In Naomi's case it was nothing different. Naomi let her sense of responsibility towards her daughter slip away as she indulged herself in self-pity.
Ruth provides a contrast to Naomi in terms of strength and facing adversity. She too had lost her husband. She had left her family and kin. She was in a land of strangers. Her only companion was a bitter old woman. On the other hand Ruth was a young woman but she was wise beyond her years. She was humble enough to seek guidance from those elder to her and show obedience to their words of wisdom. At the same time she was also dilligent enough in her own work.
Ruth 2:6-7: And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: And she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house.
Ruth was hard working. She was also responsible. She had to take care of her mother-in-law who was not in a situation to help herself. Naomi was suffering from grief after suffering the loss that she faced in her life. We almost always hear about the five stages of grief that one experiences. We do not know whether Naomi went through each of them but the result of several of them are evident in her character.
Denial, numbness, and shock: Numbness is a common reaction to a death or loss. This stage of grief helps protect us from experiencing the intensity of the loss. As we move through the experience and slowly acknowledge its impact, the initial denial and disbelief fades. The story of Ruth does not mention how long Naomi suffered from the shock of losing her husband and her two young sons within such a short time. But it does mention that after a while she rose with her two daughters in law. That means for a while she must have been immobile, held in her place by numbness and shock.Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what "could have been done" to prevent the death or loss. If this stage of grief isn't dealt with and resolved, the person may live with intense feelings of guilt or anger that can interfere with the healing process. For Naomi this never became much of an issue as a woman in those times did not have ample responsibilities to shoulder in the presence of the men. That automatically translated to the fact that they could not carry guilt for something they did not have control over. Naomi did not have a say in the decision to move to Moab, nor in the decision to stay there. One output of this could have been Naomi blaming her daughters in law which she did not do. That tells us that Naomi was able to resolve this stage of grief.Depression: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. Common signs of depression in this stage include trouble sleeping, poor appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, and crying spells. We may also add self-pity and feel lonely, isolated, empty, lost, and anxious. This is the stage that we find Naomi in as she comes back to Bethlehem. When she returns to Israel, everything reminds her of the family that she had and then lost. Hence her feeling of emptiness and loss is magnified.Anger: This stage is common. It usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. Naomi could not afford to go through this stage because of the constant presence of Ruth. Ruth did not allow Naomi to feel helpless or powerless. She stood up beside her mother-in-law as her strength, comfort and support.Acceptance: In time, we can come to terms with all the emotions and feelings we experienced when the death or loss happened. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into our set of life experiences. Perhaps Naomi truly accepted her loss with the birth of Obed. Nonetheless she required the presence of Ruth to achieve it.
Naomi's grief kept her from accompanying her daughter-in-law while she gathered food. Her mind was too occupied with her loss to bother about Ruth's safety, the safety and precaution which Boaz had to take care of.
Ruth 2:8-9: Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn.
One could perhaps say that Naomi's actions towards Ruth was negligent. She had sent her young and widowed daughter in law, who is a stranger to the land, without protection or a chaperon, to collect food for the both of them. Yes it was Ruth who had sought her permission to do so. However as a mother figure Naomi should have thought about the only living member of her family. But she was too engrossed in her bitterness to give it a thought. Only when Ruth returned with news of their kinsman redeemer did Naomi show some positive action or attitude. The hope of her family line being restored was perhaps the trigger that could bring her out of her depression.
Depression does not come from God. We experience depression when we allow our earthly situation to overwhelm us and we ignore that there is a divine plan acting through every blessing and adversity. We are not privy to the complete plan of God but relying on Him for comfort and direction is the only way we can deal with adversity, loss and grief without it overpowering our sense of justice and purpose. Naomi saw her grief as a punishment from God. She failed to acknowledge however that God's ultimate work turns out for good.
Rom 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
