I said no didn’t I? I know I did… I screamed it loud enough for everyone to hear. But, maybe I didn’t... Because if I did wouldn’t he of stopped?
Jack and I we’re inseparable from the minute we met. It was weird how it happened, well actually pretty funny. I was getting my haircut when a heavy lady walked in from the back room. She had heard my hairdresser mention I was a “misfit” so she joined in the conversation. This mysterious lady and I had talked for over an hour. The reason she approached the conversation was because her son too was considered a “misfit”. Every one thought he was weird, and he has never had many friends due to his differences. I was very eager to meet this boy, being my age and all I thought we might have a lot in common. His mom was excited to have us meet and talk, so she gave me his number right away. At first, I was a little apprehensive about texting him. What if he thought I was a freak? If a random girl texted you saying, “oh hey what’s up I met your mom in the hair salon and she said your weird like me”, wouldn’t you be a little concerned? Anyways, after Ms. Betty (hair dresser) and I said our goodbyes, and I jumped in the car with my mom I decided to take a chance and text him. I introduced myself, and told him about meeting his mom. His reply was almost instant. I guess I had nothing to worry about because Betty had already warned him I’d be sending him a text. That night, we talked till three A.M. Talking to him I felt a warmth inside, a feeling I haven’t felt before. I’ve never connected so well with anyone, the way I connected with him. But, before my emotions get the best of me, I should probably remind you that this little love conversation was over text. Over text message everything is more “special” and “open” because you’re not actually face to face with the person. So, that weekend he asked me to the movies. We saw The Eagle, an extremely bloody movie in which I had to close my eyes for most of the cutting open stomach scenes. Before I could process what was happening his hand was reaching for mine and they were interlocked. He must have gotten the cue that I wanted to hold hands because when I gave him the signal his hand slowly reached for mine. We stayed hand in hand for the entire rest of the movie. Even though my hand was pulsing and tingly from falling asleep I didn’t want to let go. When the movie came to an end and the lights went on we both stared at each other for a minute and started smiling. Jack’s smile was perfect, dimples filling each of his round cheeks embracing his winter white teeth. Being around him was the most amazing feeling. I had known this boy for about a week and I already felt like we were soul mates. As the weeks went on my heart longed for him. We did everything together, and soon changed our facebook status’s from “single” to in a “relationship”. The move from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend was quick but I never stopped to think it was a problem. He invited me over every day; I even spent the night over there sometimes when my parents were away. We would stay up late watching bad movies and playing dumb truth or dare games. No matter what we did together it was always fun and exciting. Just being near him had me going. He soon became my best friend, knowing everything about me, and listening to my inner thoughts and feelings. I had never been in a relationship like this. It was new and different. Unlike many of the other guys I have dated he respected me and never forced me to do something I wasn’t ready for; or so I thought. One night, when we were home alone, we did the usual get some food, then go upstairs and watch a bad movie and talk. We were getting along fine that night when something went askew. Jack knew I was anti any kind of sexual encounter unless we both talked about it and felt we were ready. I wasn’t ready and I guess he felt he was. That night he asked me to make love to him. I said no and that I wasn’t ready. He forced me and pleaded and made me feel guilty all in a ten-word sentence. Those ten words still creep back into my head every night, as I lay by myself in my bed afraid of feeling his body on mine. “If you loved me you would have sex with me “, he said trying to undress me. I slapped him, and told him he was psycho to think I’d ever sleep with someone I had only been dating for three months. His body shape was much bigger then mine, huge in fact to the point in which I couldn’t push him away. I screamed as loud as I could, but remembered we were the only ones home. If only I had been smarter, if only I would have seen this coming I wouldn’t of been put in that position. He was now getting angry and holding me down as I kicked uncontrollably. He told me if I stopped moving around it would hurt less. He was wrong, it hurt just the same. By this time he was undressed completely and so was I. He had managed to take off my underwear and bra in those thirty seconds I was screaming. I didn’t know what to expectially since I was still a virgin, and I thought he was too. One more thing I had wrong about him. While he forced himself on top of me and took control, I was crying so much he slapped me to the point I could taste blood on my cheek. He had busted through the skin and managed to make a bruise so deep I’d probably need stitches. What would my parents say? How do explain I was “raped” by my beloved boyfriend? All these thoughts were flying threw my head while he finished. Another thing to worry about, he never used protection. What if I become pregnant? I’m not on the pill, because I really had no need to be on it. When he was done with his fun he told me if I told anyone he’d make my life miserable. After being a victim of all the other damage he had done I believed him and shut my mouth. After the incident I cleaned myself up and tried to stop the bleeding. Scared out of my mind I planned not to tell anyone. Jack means business. Chances are he would kill me if he knew I told. I didn’t want to try and explain to parents or friends, I didn’t want the police to be involved, I just wanted to forget about the night. I was the stupid one, not him. Through out the whole relationship I must have been blind to think he ever loved me. One thing was clear though; he was destined for sex and only sex. After being threatened more by Jack I called a cab. It was late so my parents weren’t up when I got home. Thank god I didn’t have to explain the huge bruise to them. Tomorrow I planned to cover it up with make up and say I was sleep walking and walked into a wall. The white lie might work since I am known to sleep walk unintentionally. After a sleepless night of tossing and turning I went downstairs to walk the family dog, Bruno. My parents were getting ready for work when they saw my shadow coming from the kitchen. They greeted me with huge smiles until they saw my cheek. It was busted open worse then I thought. They had concerned looks on their faces when my mom yelled frantically” Emily what happened to your face!” I rehearsed the story I planned the night before and they both believed it, to my advantage. Dad left after kissing me and mom good-bye while mom helped me wash up my face. Every day since the incident I became more and more depressed. I felt dirty, and like I was holding a huge burden that I need to let out, but couldn’t. For months I cut myself and stopped eating. My parents grew concerned and tried to get me to talk, but I kept Jack’s promise and didn’t tell. After four months of being raped I was sent to have psychological testing done. The doctor asked me all sorts of questions and even gave me a lie detector test. When Mr. Branson asked me if I had had sexual intercourse before I knew I couldn’t lie. This time despite what Jack had said months ago, I opened up and told my story. Crying and trembling at the same time I gave him every detail I could. When I was done he looked at me and said” it’s not your fault, you we’re a victim of rape”. From that day on I was sent to court and talked to middle school students about rape by their boyfriends. My parents were supportive throughout the whole thing and helped me in any way they could. It’s been three years since I was raped and I still think about that night. I now know it wasn’t my fault. I SAID NO!
