"We do not have feelings which change us, but feelings that suggest to us the idea of change. Thus love does not purge us of selfishness, but makes us aware of it and gives us the idea of a distant country where this selfishness will disappear." - A...
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"Finally some space," exclaims Hale, throwing himself on his bed in the opposite corner of the room.
I can't say I missed having a roommate; the last few days have been very quiet, and, especially, I wasn't too inspired to choose Hale from all the options I had.
"It only seems that way because you can see more floor now," I reply, and Hale laughs.
I cross my arms behind my head, trying to find a comfortable and natural position. It's been difficult for me to be around Hale in the past few months, and now we'll have to share the same space for nine months. If I had the power to see into the future, I would have preferred Lance, even though his messiness drives me crazy, and his never-ending chatter would have prompted me to spend more time outside the room than inside it.
"When do the preparations for the fire start?" Hale asks.
My thoughts were anywhere but on the bonfire, even though it's my last year, and I should be enjoying any experience that has the potential to be the last of its kind. However excited I used to be at the beginning of each year for that night when I felt like I was creating unforgettable memories and strengthening bonds with my friends, now I don't even feel like participating. Despite my heart's reluctance to join the bonfire, fearing the possible company, my mind tells me that I'll regret it if I miss the event. Never in my life have my heart and brain been more at odds, which is ironic considering that a few months ago, I got a tattoo that serves as a promise to myself that I will strive to make both of them harmonious.
"I have no idea, ask Lance," I murmur, much more acidic than I intended.
The fact that it reminds me of my indecision brings out my negative side.
"What's up with you? You've been grumpy lately," Hale remarks.
If even Hale noticed, who, despite being a good friend, doesn't put much emphasis on others' feelings unless it's about his sister, then I've become quite obvious. Generally, I have immense control over my emotions and can easily mask them, but there are moments when the mask crumbles, and I let out a comment or forget to keep my facial muscles neutral.
"Nothing happened."
I thought I would start believing my own lies if I repeated them enough, but I was wrong. If I can convince myself that everything is fine, then others will have no reason not to believe me, just like Hale isn't convinced now but chooses not to insist. He doesn't press on simply because he knows me well enough to be aware that I won't change my response anytime soon, whether it's credible or not.
"Has Nevin arrived?" I change the subject.
I haven't had contact with Nevin for a few weeks, not that we talked much before. Our friendship is the kind that fades during times when we're not close because we don't have much in common, and now there are even more things keeping us apart. I have a vague impression that Nevin is intentionally avoiding me, and I have an idea of what might be the reason.
