It was a dark night. So dark, so quiet. It reflected the state of his heart and soul perfectly. They were dark and quiet too. Just like this night.
He sat dejectedly at the edge of a cliff, overlooking the deep valley under it. The majestic mountains staring back at him. The dark and huge full of stars sky covering him as he drank up his sorrows.
The bottle of vodka sat next to him while he held his burning cigarette between his fingers and stared back at the wilderness.
His hair were so dishevelled, so messy because of how badly he had been pulling them. The buttons of his shirt and the zip of his jacket were undone.
His eyes, they were bloodshot and dangerously dark because of how badly he had been trying to keep his unshed tears in.
He kept staring down at the dark and endless valley under him. He wanted to just give in to this temptation and jump. End it all. Once and for all.
He wanted to, he really did but then he thought of her eyes staring back at him with that hope.
He clenched his fingers around the cigarette, crushing it between his fingers terribly as he screamed painfully in to the endless mountains and the dark harrowing night.
"AAAAHHHHHHH. WHYY.WHY WHY. WHY CAN'T I JUST GIVE IN TO THIS TEMPTATION AND END IT FOREVER. WHY. WHY CAN'T HER HOPEFUL EYES STOP FOLLOWING ME" he screamed at the top of his voice, scratching his throat terribly.
His voice echoed in to the mountains, coming back and haunting him again.
He pulled at his hair harshly as he threw the burning cigarette down in to the dark valley.
He dropped his head down with his fingers still tightly clutching his hair between them as he sat quietly, his breathing ragged as he took it all in.
His heart was racing like a machine.
He slowly looked up in to the huge sky full of stars. His red eyes then roamed and stared at everything they could see. The huge trees surrounding him, the mountains, the entire universe staring back at him.
He scoffed painfully.
"You must be very happy. You must be happy seeing me like this. Itna kamzor dekhna acha lagta hai na mujhe? Why did you let this happen?
WHYYY. Why did you have to bring her in my life and ruin her life. Answer me. ANSWER ME DAMMITTT" he screamed in his raspy voice, his loud voice echoing back as he harshly grabbed the half filled bottle and threw it down.
"When you know I can't give her anything, when you know I can't be what she expects or wants me to be, why bring her in my life? WHY" he shouted at the silent sky.
There was a chilling silence all over. He could hear the wild beating of his heart and every single breath that he took. It was pitch dark and dead silent.
"Huh" he smiled bitterly as he thought about her eyes, those hopeful eyes as he ran a hand through his hair, his unshed tears blinding his vision.
"Temptations" he nodded.
"Temptations" he repeated, smiling bitterly.
He looked deranged.
"These temptations won't work. Do you get it? I won't let them" he spat bitterly staring in to the darkness.
"She doesn't know anything. She is a baby. So small. So naive. So untainted. Those hopeful eyes, they can't tempt me. I'll not let them. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WON'T LET THEM" he screamed like a deranged person.
"I will not let you do this to her" he warned the universe in his scratched voice.
"She doesn't know anything. She doesn't know me yet. She doesn't know I am her worst nightmare. You first wrecked me, destroyed me and now you want me to destroy her? Never" he challenged the sky.
"Huh. She thinks she loves me. She is mad. She doesn't know that I can't ever give her any of the things she expects or dreams of me. EVER. But you know that. Yet you brought her in my life" he accused the universe.
He pushed his fingers roughly in to his hair and pulled painfully as he thought of her innocent face, looking at him with that desire, with that hope, that vulnerability.
He smiled bitterly as a thick tear rolled down his eye. Before it could flow down his cheek, he harshly wiped it away and sniffed.
"Love" he scoffed .
"She thinks I am capable of giving her all of this. You know I cannot. But she doesn't know. The day she finds out about who I really am, how wrecked and ruined I really am, the day she finds out about this curse that you have given to me, she will run far far away. As she should. I will not let you ruin her through me. Never. I don't love her.. I.." he stopped.
He gulped down the thick lump forming in his throat.
"You know it very well. I am not capable of giving her what she wants or expects, I can't. I don't desire her the way she desires me. I will not let myself desire her in any other way. There is only one way I desire her in .
I can take her to my bed and own her body but nothing beyond that. I cannot wreck her. She is a baby. Huh. Love. Desire. All of this will soon go away when she finds how destroyed I really am.
She is so fragile. I will wreck her. She should hate me and she should be running far far away from me yet, yet she keeps coming closer and closer. Mad girl. You know it right?" He looked up at the sky.
"You know I don't want any of this. You also know how untainted and pure she is. You know how dirty, destroyed and impure I am. Even if I desire her, I don't deserve her.
And I will not let you win this time. I will not let you wreck her through me. I WILL NOT . DO YOU HEAR ME?" He shouted at the top of his voice.
"You destroyed me. I will not let you destroy her. Never. She has to go. I will push her so far away, that she is never able to return, even if she tries to. She will have to leave. I will make sure she does" he whispered to himself.
He looked aside and grabbed the messy, half squeezed packet of cigarettes. He scoffed as he pulled another cigarette out and lit it, taking it between his parted lips.
He sharply inhaled a puff and looked up at the sky
"She will remain protected and saved. I'll make sure of it. You know who will save her? I will. I'll save her from myself. I will" he challenged the daunting night.
*******************
YEP!! So that was it. Read . Tell me if you would want me to continue and embark on this journey after Thikaana or not. Tell me how you feel.
- Also, this is going to be ENTIRELY different from the world of Thikaana. Not anything like that. So tell me if you're up for it. It's not going to be all hunky dory.
